Things in Print Thursday :: a play-by-play of how many SparkNoted titles have female narrators (A-B)

Or central protagonists.  This is easy, because I can go by who’s listed first in their Character List section.  (Oh, SparkNotes.)  I was going to do it A-E, like my previous SparkNotes list, but the SparkNotes website is acting up, so I’m just doing these first two letters.  Smaller groups!

Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll (with the titular Alice; this is about a child in the 1800s)
All But My Life by Gerda Weissman Klein (with, well, Gerda Weissmann Klein, who wrote it)
All’s Well That Ends Well by William Shakespeare (well, they list Helena first, so whatever)
American Dream by Edward Albee (with, apparently, Grandma?)
Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver (with, apparently, Codi)
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (with the titular Anna; this is a romance of sorts from the 1800s)
Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery (with the titular Anne; this is about a child in the 1800s)
Annie John by Jamaica Kincaid (with the titular Annie)
Antigone by Sophocles (with the titular Antigone)
Arcadia by Tom Stoppard (with Thomasina Coverly)
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner (with Addie Bundren; I feel weird counting this, but she is first listed)
As You Like It by William Shakespeare (with Rosalind, hell yeah)
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand (with Dagny Taggart)
The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines (with the titular Jane)
The Awakening by Kate Chopin (with Edna Pontellier; this is about the 1800s)
The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver (with Taylor Greer)
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (with Esther Greenwood)
Beloved by Toni Morrison (with Sethe; this is set in the 1800s)
Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (with, well, Anne Lamott, who wrote it)
Bleak House by Charles Dickens (with Esther Summerson; this is from the 1800s)
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison (with Pecola Breedlove)
The Book of the City of Ladies by Christine de Pizan (with, well, Christine de Pizan, who wrote it)
The Book of Margery Kemp by Margery Kemp (with, well, Margery Kemp, who wrote it)
A Border Passage by Leila Ahmed (with, well, Leila Ahmed, who wrote it)
Bread Givers by Anzia Yezierska (with Sara Smolinsky)
Breath, Eyes, Memory by Edwidge Danticat (with Sophie)

26 titles.  4 of which are autobiographical.  Several of which have appeared on analyzed lists previously. 15 of which have female authors.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: a play-by-play of how many of someone’s 100 books to read before you die have female narrators

Or in cases of third-person narration, female central protagonists.  Again using this list.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (with Lizzy Bennet; this is a romance from the 1800s)
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (with the titular Jane; this is rather a romance from the 1800s)
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (with Scout Finch, who is a child)
His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman (with Lyra Belacqua, who is a child)
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (with Jo March; this is from the 1800s and is somewhat a romance in places, ish)
Tess of the d’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy (with the titular Tess; this is apparently sexual, ans is from the 1800s)
Well, Shakespeare has a lot of relatively main ladies.  But since they’re plays, I can’t count any as narrators or anything.
Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier (with a lady narrator called Mrs. de Winter and also the titular Rebecca is important)
Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell (with Scarlett O’Hara; this is a romance about the 1800s)
Bleak House by Charles Dickens (with Esther Summerson, apparently; this is from the 1800s)
Alice in Wonderland by Louis Carroll (with the titular Alice, who is a child from the 1800s)
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (with the titular Anna; this is a somewhat a romance from the 1800s)
Emma by Jane Austen (with the titular Emma; this is a romance from the 1800s)
Persuasion by Jane Austen (with Anne Elliot; this is a romance from the 1800s)
Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden (with Chiyo Sakamoto)
Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery (with the titular Anne, who is a child from the 1800s)
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood (with Offred)
Atonement by Ian McEwan (with Briony Tallis; this has a lot of romance)
Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (with Elinor Dashwood; this is a romance from the 1800s)
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (with Susie Salmon)
Bridget Jones‘s Diary by Helen Fielding (with the titular Bridget; this is a romance)
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (with Mary Lennox, who is a child in the 1800s)
Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray (with Amelia Sedley and Becky Sharp; this is a romance from the 1800s)
The Color Purple by Alice Walker (with Celie)
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert (with the titular Emma Bovary; this is a romance from the 1800s)
A Town Like Alice by Nevil Shute (with Jean Paget)

28 of 100 titles, because I’m not counting “groups of protagonist” stories like The Chronicles of Narnia or something.  Interestingly, 15 of them are about and/or from the 1800s, 5 are about children, and 4 are by Jane Austen.

–your fangirl heroine.

Fictional Friday :: 6 more real life faces for more Disney princesses

The term “princess” being used loosely, and to define basically any Disney heroine.  (Anyway, the ones that aren’t properly royalty are often the most badass.  Mulan.  What.)

6. Alison Brie (Snow White, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves)

Much like how I imagine Reese Witherspoon can speak to mice, I imagine Alison Brie can in fact understand birdsong and whatnot.  She’s just the cutest ever.

5. Elle Fanning (Alice, Alice in Wonderland)

We wanted an Alice who was actually close to Alice-age.  Because Mia Wasikowska was a rad grown-up Alice, but Alice isn’t grown up in the cartoon.  (Not that most of our other casting choices aren’t grown up, but Alice is younger than the others, so it works.  Okay?  Also, Elle would just be a fantastic Alice.)

4. Jennifer Hudson (Tiana, The Princess and the Frog)

She’s a good fit.  She’s triumphed over professional adversities and stuff, like Tiana.  She didn’t win American Idol, but she kept at it, and then she won an Oscar.  So.

3. Liza Lapira (Mulan, Mulan)

So technically, she’s part-Chinse, part-Filipino, part-Spanish, but I think she’s adorable, and I love her, and I think she could be a super badass.

2. Moon Bloodgood (Pocahontas, Pocahontas)

A lot of Hollywood actresses have some Native American heritage.  But a lot of the are the ones who look like Cameron Diaz, who have some, but it doesn’t count for much.  I’ve only seen Moon Bloodgood in the most recent Terminator, really, but she does have the most awesome name of all time, so that counts for something.

1. Lara Pulver (Meg, Hercules)

Meg is my favorite.  Meg is my girl.  We’d originally discussed Maggie Siff as Meg, which I thought would have been equally brilliant, but my friend said “OH!  What about the girl who’s Irene on Sherlock?”  I hadn’t yet watched this season (and I’ve only watched the first episode, so don’t spoil me, I don’t have a good excuse, but I haven’t got around to the other two yet, I’m a busy girl) so I made a mental note.  Then I watched it.  And I went holy hot damn.  Irene is also my girl.  It makes perfect sense.  (And I didn’t realize until right now that Lara Pulver also played Sookie’s fairy godmother on True Blood, so that’s irrelevant, but my mind is still a little blown.)

–your fangirl heroine.

Sarcastic Saturday :: the ever-popular analysis of (largely nonexistent) Disney parents

Disney parents have this wacky habit of not being present in the stories: sometimes they’re dead, sometimes they’re just not there and we can assume they’re dead.  I’m sure I’m not the first to make this list, but hey.  This can mean various things for the story, but it’s a crutch I find strange.  A lot of the fables rely on it, and it’s not bad or good, just odd.  I’m also only going to discuss the humanoid characters, because if I got into all the animals with dead parents, I’d be going on all night.

Snow White: her father’s dead, and she’s got a wicked stepmother.
Pinocchio: he’s a puppet, and therefore has no biological parents, but his “father” Geppetto doesn’t have a female counterpart.
Cinderella: her mother’s dead, her father marries an aristocrat lady to give her female influence, then her father dies and said lady turns out to be evil.  (Really, she and Snow White are exactly the same.)
Alice in Wonderland: well, Alice’s parents are never present in the film, but her big sister is.  Presumably the parents are alive, but they’re irrelevant.
Peter Pan: the Darlings are existent.  But the kids run away from them, so there’s that.  Also, Wendy has to play mommy.
Sleeping Beauty: her parents are present, but she’s comatose the entire time, so they’re not that relevant.  And in a way, the coma is almost their fault, since they didn’t invite Maleficent to the party and prompted the coma curse.
The Jungle Book: Mowgli is an orphan and is raised by jungle critters.
everything in the Winnie the Pooh franchise: where are Christopher Robin’s parents?
The Little Mermaid: where is Ariel’s mother?  Is that why King Triton is such a bitch?
Beauty and the Beast: where is Belle’s mother?  Is that why Maurice is such a scatterbrain?  And where are the Beast’s parents at all?
Aladdin: where is Jasmine’s mother?  Is that why the Sultan is such a weirdo?  And Aladdin’s an orphan.
Pocahontas: where is Pocahontas’ mother?  Is that why Chief Powhatan is such a bitch?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Quasimodo’s mommy was killed at the beginning and his adoptive dad is a bitch.
Hercules: he’s got birth parents and adoptive parents both.  So, good for him.
Mulan: she’s got parents and a grandmother too!  Even though she runs away from them.  But she does that to save China, so it’s okay.
Tarzan: his parents are killed by jungle critters.
The Emperor’s New Groove: he has no parents, period.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire: (I don’t even remember having seen this, but hey.  Wikipedia.)  The girl hasn’t got a father at all, and her mother dies.
Lilo and Stitch: Lilo and Nani have dead parents, and Nani is being the motherly big sister.  Basically like Buffy to Dawn, but way less cool.
Meet the Robinsons: Louis is at an orphanage, but he’s adopted at the end.
The Princess and the Frog: Tiana’s father is dead; Lottie’s mother is nonexistent.
Tangled: despite her birth parents both being alive, Rapunzel’s got a wicked stepmother.  So she’s got too many parents.

The grand tally: 4 evil stepparents, 10 dead parental pairs, 5 dead/nonexistent parents and single remaining parents, 2 nonexistent parental pairs, 5 present parental pairs.  That brings the total of at least partially nonexistent Disney animated human parents to 80%.

A lot of these films are based on pre-existing stories, so that really begs a deeper question.  What is it about dead or nonexistent parents that just screams children’s story?  Sometimes the girls without one or both parents need saving by an outside man figure, sometimes they can take care of themselves and just happen to fall in love in the mix.  The boys without parents all end up in love, too.  I guess everybody just needs someone?  Is that the message?

Are they just making their own families?  ‘Cause of course once they fall in love, they get married.  An interesting notion.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: my success as an English major measured by how many SparkNoted titles I’ve read (A-E)

Yep, this is just a list and some numerical analysis, part 1 of several.

Bolded titles are ones I enjoyed.  Plain italic titles are ones I feel neutral about.

A:
1984 by George Orwell (this is conditional; I read part of it and saw the movie.  I fail, yes.)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Charles Dickens
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
Angels in America by Tony Kushner (holy Christ, do I love this play; I wish I could double-bold it)
Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery
Antigone by Sophocles
As You Like It by William Shakespeare
8 of 44 titles.  4 of 44 were sincerely enjoyed.

B:
Beloved by Toni Morrison
Beowulf
Bible: The New Testament (another conditional; I’ve read pieces, ish?)
Bible: The Old Testament (likewise)
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson (yeah… when I was like ten, but still.)
5 of 31 titles.  1 of 31 was sincerely enjoyed.

C:
Candide by Voltaire
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
The Chosen by Chaim Potok
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
The Crucible by Arthur Miller
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand
8 of 46 titles.  1 of 46 was sincerely enjoyed.

D:
Dangerous Liaisons by Pierre Ambroise Laclos
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller
A Doll’s House by Henrik Ibsen
Dubliners by James Joyce (conditional; I’ve read like two of the stories; I enjoyed them, but am not bolding as I’ve not read all of them)
5 of 27 titles  .5 of 27 were sincerely enjoyed.

E:
Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton.
1 of 12 titles.  0 of 12 were sincerely enjoyed.

I… have strange taste in literature, I suppose.

–your fangirl heroine.

Fictional Friday :: 10 cross-canon crack friendships that should be.

I am the weirdo who thinks about things like this, yes.  This could very well be cross-posted to Whedon Wednesday, yes.  Literally half of these include Firefly folk, yes.  I am shameless, yes.

10. Seth Bullock (Timothy Olyphant, Deadwood) and Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion, Firefly/Serenity)
They’d be those awkward non-bro bro friends that sometimes get in arguments but have each other’s back.  They wouldn’t always match politics to a T, but Mal would appreciate having someone on the inside of the law occasionally, and Bullock would let Mal’s criminality slide ’cause it’s sometimes morally upstanding and whatnot, and that’s what matters more.  They’d get together for a drink and make 😐 faces about women and Bullock would tell Mal to be more respectful of Inara ’cause he’s a gentleman like that and hey, he knows some whores, she’s no whore, she’s a classy lady.  And they’d have epic tight pants/suspenders/sexy wound parties.  Basically.

9. Joanie Stubbs (Kim Dickens, Deadwood) and Nandi (Melinda Clarke, Firefly)
(Deadwood and Firefly go together well in my head, okay?)  Sort of like Joanie and Maddie, except for Nandi wouldn’t be a double-crossy “awesome, I’mma go ahead and set it up so there’s murdering going on here” bitch.  Nandi would totally be someone that Joanie could turn to, especially re: being weird about ~the life~.  Nandi would remind Joanie to respect herself, and Joanie so needs that.

8. Penny (Felicia Day, Dr. Horrible) and Peggy Olson (Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men)
No, seriously.  Peggy needs girlfriends that don’t wanna be her girlfriend.  Penny needs girlfriends.  They both need someone to bitch and moan at about the disparities in the world and/or workplace.  Penny would stop by for frozen yogurt lunches, Peggy would help Penny write her resume, they could give each other good advice impartially, because they’re both the sort of person that can be much more practical re: others, probably.  Penny: “So I met this guy…  [tl;dr]”  Peggy: “…you’re dating a man whose pseudonym refers… to his penis…?  Really?”  Penny: “I know, I know.”  They both have that certain girl next door je ne sais quoi about them.

7. William Miller (Patrick Fugit, Almost Famous) and Rory Gilmore (Alexis Bledel, Gilmore Girls)
The literary/music/awesome things conversations alone would be epic.  Rory would lend her mom whenever William just needed to gtfo and away from Elaine, William would lend his to help Rory do college applications and things.  And when Christopher came to visit, ever, he’d totally take William out with them.  “You ought to date my daughter, lol.”  Awkwardface, then William: “…we’re just best friends, that’s more than enough.  Dating would be… weird.”  William would send Rory some of the ashtrays and stuff he stole from hotels, Rory would be jealous, William would give Rory advice about living out of a suitcase and a bus.  Amazing, I think so.

6. Hoban “Wash” Washburne (Alan Tudyk, Firefly) and Topher Brink (Fran Kranz, Dollhouse)
They’d be those two kids who were just so weird and geniusy in school that nobody else knew what the hell to say to them, so even though they were different sorts of geniuses, they’d band together.  And then everyone else would be blinded by their sheer awesome and the Hawaiian shirts and argyle sweater-vests next to each other.  They’d never shut up, ever; they’d try to tell each other about flying and neuroscience and just get distracted by dinosaurs and sarcastic cat posters and ridiculous sentences that defied the rules of conventional grammar in favor of superior awkward geek grammar.  Then Zoe or Bennett (because in the land of this nonsense, she didn’t get a bullet in her brainpan k?) or Mal or Adelle or whoever would walk in the room and have no idea what they were talking about and chuckle and roll their eyes and stuff.

5, 4.  River Tam (Summer Glau, Firefly/Serenity) and Luna Lovegood (Evanna Lynch, Harry Potter) OR Drusilla (Juliet Landau, Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel)
CRAZY PARTY!!!  River and Luna would wander around sans shoes saying things that made no sense to anyone and yet made perfect sense in whatever weird way.  Luna would make River some ridiculous vegetable jewelry (probably not earrings, she doesn’t have her ears pierced I don’t think, or at least she doesn’t wear earrings, but maybe a necklace or a bracelet or something — OH MY GOSH YES, friendship bracelet of crazy).  River would just ~know~ about the magic thing, even though she’s technically a Muggle she sort of isn’t so she’d figure a lot of it out, and it would drive her crazy that there wasn’t a proper explanation for most of it.  They’d be all vague and floaty and yet straight-forward as hell with each other.
River and Dru?  Well.  Like I said, CRAZY PARTY.  Dru would totally dress River up like a giant life-size doll and say sympathetic vague things about how it’s not fun to be psychic.  River would sigh and roll her eyes and remind Dru consistently that she’s not bothered by blood whatsoever.  Simon, meanwhile, would be over in the corner being all adorably paranoid about River’s making friends with a psychotic vampire, and River would just shrug it off.   “She can take care of herself, gēgē~”  Besides, she’d add, Dru thinks she’s too adorable and brilliant to attack.

3. Bennett Halverson (Summer Glau, Dollhouse) and Emma Pillsbury (Jayma Mays, Glee)
Imagine the cardigans and neuroticism parties that would ensue.  They’d drink tea and, like, organize stuff, and they’d be talking about work in the world’s vaguest terms but it’s okay because they’re both just ~private~ that way and even despite that they’d vaguely hit on guy talk sometimes and it would be so amazingly awkward but so, so good for the both of them to have someone to talk to.  Bennett would give Emma the world’s most technical OCD advice, and repeatedly tell her she isn’t crazy in that amazing muttery way, at which point Emma would remind Bennett that she isn’t either, and then there would be more tea to drink.  They could totally trade cardigans, too, and it would be beautiful.

2. Irene Adler (well, in the most recent movie Rachel McAdams, but bookverse, too, Sherlock Holmes) and YoSaffBridge (Christina Hendricks, Firefly)
Literally I had this idea while writing my midterm in my British literature class this last week, and it took all of my willpower not to flip to the last page of my blue book and scribble IRENE & YOSAFFBRIDGE WOULD BE THE BEST BUDDIES EVER.  Or allude to the fact that Irene could so very much marry men for the fun of conning the crap out of them sometimes, who knows.  They’d be those best friends that always compete with each other over everything.  “Well I just stole some guy’s historical laser pistol and oh yeah he was my husband and stuff!”  “Well I just blackmailed a king and it was fantastical!”  Even though they’d also be giggling and swapping these stories in detail and trading Conning Men tips and stuff.

1. Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal, Donnie Darko) and Alice Kingsleigh (…going with Mia Wasikowska, Alice in Wonderland)
CRAZY PARTY, PART TWO!  Imagine the magic of two people with possibly imaginary bunny friends and possible quasi-schizophrenia rambling together about nonsense.  They could have fun angsty teenager moments of “AUGH SOCIETY IS SO LAME” and silly moments of “LOL BUNNY” and everything in between.  This may or may not have been the pair that inspired this list in the first place, just sayin’.

–your fangirl heroine.

Superlative Sunday :: the 2011 Oscars and how I feel about them

Another award season has officially come and gone.  People were tipsy, people went on far too long, things were recognized that deserved it and some things that deserved recognition kind of just got waved at.  Tom Hanks declared that hearing your name called is like a “silent Impressionistic painting.”  Colleen Atwood was drunk.  Melissa Leo said the f-word and got made fun of all night.  They auto-tuned clips from films to humorous effect.  All in all, a decent season, and there were at least no catastrophic upsets.

 

The King’s Speech (Picture, Actor [Colin Firth], Director [Tom Hooper], Writing – Original Screenplay [David Seidler])
I saw this coming across the board.  Well, okay.  I figured it’d get Picture and Actor, and well-deserved, too.  This year’s Director category was just sort of an outrage to begin with, as I desperately wanted Christopher Nolan to win, let alone be nominated, and I didn’t particularly think of it as being a flashy Directed Picture kind of thing, but sometimes subtlety is nice.  And as for screenplay, in the original category I tend to vote for things that are completely completely pulled out of thin air, i.e. not based on historical fact, but it was a very well-written piece, so no disappointments there.

Black Swan (Actress [Natalie Portman])
I completely thought they’d take a couple more.  I was crossing my fingers and praying for cinematography, honestly; the way it was shot was surrealistic and beautiful.  But I’d been rooting for Natalie to win, and I was painfully happy that she did.

The Fighter (Supporting Actress [Melissa Leo], Supporting Actor [Christian Bale])
Again, I’ve… not yet seen this.  But my parents have assured me both were well-deserving.

Toy Story 3 (Animated Feature Film, Music – Original)
I did have a giant soft spot for this movie.  Giant.  So I’m happy for it, even though the song sounded like every other Randy Newman song ever written and his diction while performing was hideous.

Alice in Wonderland (Art Direction, Costume Design)
I was all for both of these awards.  It wasn’t a perfect film, but it was certainly a pretty one.  And Colleen Atwood’s drunk!speech was definitely one of the night’s highlights, at least for unintentional hilarity.

Inception (Cinematography, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Visual Effects)
The geeky techhead in me was totally Team Inception.  I knew it wouldn’t get Best Picture or anything, and I was cool with that.  And although I wanted Black Swan for Cinematography, I was happy with this too.  Any technical award it got was purely deserved.

The Social Network (Film Editing, Music – Original Score, Writing – Adapted Screenplay)
Out of any awards tonight, Social Network getting Score was the one I wanted the most.  I was grinning like an idiot when they called it out.  And as for Film Editing?  I admit I don’t know… well, darn near anything about Film Editing, or at least enough to judge what was deserved, but I’ll take the Academy’s word for it, I suppose.  And I haven’t read the book it’s adapted from, and was sort of rooting for True Grit there, but okay?

 

True Grit (…a ton of nominations, and nothing.)
Disappointing to say the least.  It was a wonderful film and deserved something.  I will award Hailee Steinfeld the Favorite Dress Of The Night title, because awww.  Not only was it pink and fluffy and glittery, it was just really adorable on her.  And not like she was trying to be too old.

 

I haven’t seen… any of the short films, documentaries, foreign films, etc.  I know I’m uncultured.

 

–your fangirl heroine.

 

Sarcastic Saturday :: the depressing truth about the world’s youth as represented by Disney princesses’ relative popularities

This, too, stems from recollections of my most recent trips to Disney parks.  I’m not around children 24/7 or even 4/7 really, so I’m using the sample data I can, and I’m fully aware that it might be skewed, but.

Little girls are not exposed to princesses worth a damn, period.  Sure, they could be if their parents or older siblings tried, but just look at the marketing of the various Disney princesses.  Even just take the packet of coloring sheets I bought last year (I am just that awesome, and pictures of my steampunk Belle and vampire Snow White will appear some day, I’m sure): out of twenty sheets, four featured Snow White.  Five featured Sleeping Beauty.  Four featured Cinderella.  (Exception to the rule, but Belle was on a grand total of seven.)  Five featured Ariel.  Two featured Jasmine.  One featured Mulan, and that was one of the group shots.  I didn’t even realize before that and trips to Disney parks that little girls even watched Sleeping Beauty anymore.  It certainly wasn’t one of my generation’s pet movies.  The princesses that still get marketed are far and away the ones who didn’t do anything.

Consider.

Snow White: Was so pretty she was banished by her stepmother.  Cooked and cleaned for some dwarves.  Was poisoned.  Got kissed by a prince and all was better.
Sleeping Beauty: Was used in an evil bitch’s vengeance plot.  Sewed some things.  Poked her finger.  Got kissed by a prince and all was better.
Cinderella: Was so pretty her stepmother and stepsisters hated her.  Cooked and cleaned for them.  Put on a pretty dress.  Got kissed by a prince and all was better.
Belle: (Who I may have a bias towards because I’ve always loved her, but.)  Read some books.  Loved someone for their ~inner beauty~.  Kissed some prince and all was better.  <— See, that is at least slightly better.  She was proactive.  And intellectual.
Ariel: Sang pretty.  Got her voice taken away by the sea witch ’cause it was too pretty.  Also vengeance plots were involved.  Almost died.  Got kissed by a prince and all was better.  <— At least Ariel was slightly spunky while being doormatty.
Jasmine: Was pretty.  Was all “oh, I want to go outside” except not.  Wacky vengeance plots ensued.  Kissed some street urchin and all is better.
Mulan: Was tomboyish.  Pretended to be a boy.  Kicked some major ass.  Saved her damn country.  Kissed a guy who totally Twelfth Nightishly loved even boy-her and all was better.  <— SEE?  SEE?  Eons better.
AND THOSE NOT ON THE COLORING SHEETS (some “unofficial”):
Pocahontas: Was pretty and natural.  Refused to marry Kokomo.  Fell in love with a pretty white guy.  Saved him from death and all was better.  <— SAVING, AGAIN.  Somewhat acceptable.
Tiana: I’ll admit I haven’t yet seen The Princess and the Frog.  So, no comment?
Rapunzel: Ditto Tangled.  I’m a terrible twenty-year-old Disney fan.
Meg: (Yes.  From Hercules.  I completely count her, even though nobody else on the planet does, apparently.)  Makes a deal with Hades ’cause of her old lover.  (OMFG SHE ISN’T A VIRGIN.)  Falls in love.  Almost dies.  Got kissed by some demigod and all was better.  <— At least she’s still a liberated woman.
Alice: Fell down a hole.  Had some adventures.  Woke up.  <— At least there’s no magic man kiss involved?
Giselle: Got tricked into falling down a hole.  Had some adventures.  Got poisoned.  Got kissed by Patrick Dempsey and all was better.
Nala: Was a lion cub.  Played around.  Kissed/got kissed by her lion bestie and all was better.  <— Sort of doesn’t count, but.
Maid Marian: Does anyone even still watch Robin Hood ever?

Yet who gets marketed the most?  The simpering ones who wear pretty dresses all the time, do household chores, are walked all over by xyz authority figure (who is always in addition to being evil notably ugly), and then are saved by a man.  And the ass-kicking epic woman of empowerment who saves everyone is… barely noticed at all.  Eight-year-olds of this generation probably haven’t even seen Mulan.  The generation of everyone right now ages 17-22 who truly grew up with it can still bust out a good old

Let’s get down to business to defeat the Huns!

(And then there’s also the middling issue of, y’know, that the princesses that get pimped out the most are the pretty Caucasian ones, if you want to go there.  Disney has been remedying this as of late with their vigorous pimping of Tiana, being as she’s all African-American and whatnot, but good old Native American Pocahontas and Asian Mulan and, uhm.  African lion Nala.  They’re still in the dust.  Whether or not this is intentional, I don’t know.  It’s still troublesome, though.)

I give Ariel and Jasmine points for personality, even if they didn’t really do anything.  Belle gets points for being intelligent and having a good moral message.  Meg gets points for being potentially subversive.  Snow White?  Sleeping Beauty?  Cinderella?  Just need to go surrender some merchandise for Mulan, okay???? What sort of world are we leaving for our children where the message they get is “saving the world isn’t important.  Being pretty and doing household chores and getting the guy is.”

Yeah.  I’ll be letting my theoretical daughter(s) enjoy all the classics, but they will also be learning to enjoy strong women elsewhere.

 

–your fangirl heroine.