Sarcastic Saturday :: things heteronormative society has taught us

25 Jun

So here’s the thing. Society is heteronormative, that’s pretty much just a fact, and there are so many unspoken and spoken rules to define and explain how men and women understand each other (short version: they don’t) and interact (short version: grudgingly but necessarily). So much of it is a contradiction and also, something that sounds miserable. Most people don’t really notice how weird this is because they’re too busy making jokes about it without realizing that it’s actually not funny at all, but consider this our outsider’s (read, non-heterosexual) perspective on the matter.  THESE ARE NOT THINGS WE BELIEVE. These are not even true things. These are things that we see people around us/the media/etc. upholding to an alarming degree.

(I was thinking about doing this as an essay or something, but we were just spitting these at each other so intensely that the best way to present is a list.)

  1. A man who dismisses a woman who is not “conventionally attractive” is justified, come on, have you seen her? A woman who dismisses a man who is not “conventionally attractive” is shallow and mean.
  2. Men are strong and tough, women are pretty and nice.
  3. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
  4. Men sometimes do impulsive things, causing women to shake their heads with a rueful smile.
  5. Men are rational, women are emotional.
  6. Men will never understand women and women will never understand men.
  7. Men and women are inherently destined for true love and must achieve this to be emotionally whole.
  8. Men want to sleep around, women want to be in love.
  9. Romance is for when a couple is dating; the only romantic gestures a wife will get are given to make her husband look good.
  10. If a couple is still affectionate towards each other, everyone waits for them to being the mocking stage of the relationship.
  11. Men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love; there is no way they could want both things.
  12. Men like women who put out, but nobody will buy the cow if she gives away milk for free.
  13. There are girls you date/sleep with and girls you marry.
  14. Men will make fun of women for being prudes but all nice men want to marry virgins.
  15. The wedding day is for her, the wedding night is for him.
  16. Even though the minute they’ve finished consummating, he’ll immediately be unsatisfied with her again and resent her.
  17. Men are naturally cheaters because they are led by their penises, except in any matter that doesn’t concern sex, when they have far superior brains to women’s.
  18. Whenever your husband is in the mood for sex, you have to oblige him.
  19. You have to keep yourself hot and appealing otherwise it’s your fault if he cheats.
  20. Men require Man Caves and constant physical assertions of masculinity, women just need a kitchen and a big closet.
  21. Isn’t it cute how stupid men are (but only about things they have been socialized not to do)?
  22. When Dad gets home he gets to put his feet up because had had long day at work, but Mom still has to do the housework no matter how long her day was because men don’t know how to do these things.
  23. However, if Momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy.
  24. Men want to pass on their genetic legacy without having responsibilities, women want to Have A Family.
  25. When men watch their kids, they’re babysitting.
  26. When men parent their kids actively, they deserve accolades.
  27. Single dads are angels, single moms are probably welfare-poaching harpies.
  28. Stay-at-home dads are both wimps and saints.
  29. Married couples must either: agree about everything, change their opinions to please each other, or smile and nod to humor each other when they disagree.
  30. If one spouse, particularly the husband, says no to something, the other must immediately abandon the thought; actually, the only “nos” that women are allowed to have are on trivial, aesthetic matters.
  31. Even then the husband says “yes, dear” with a knowing ironic smile, like he and whoever else is listening have a secret understanding that he’s just shining her on so she owes him sex later
  32. Men and women bitch to their same-gender friends about their spouse constantly.
  33. Men and women can’t be friends! If they’re friends, one or both of them want to sleep together.
  34. It’s improper for a man and a woman who are not married and/or seriously involved to be alone together.
  35. It’s not said out loud, but it’s probably generally preferred that the only interactions either half of a couple should have with other members of the opposite sex as with biological family members or unavoidable authority figures.
  36. Husbands are probably going to watch porn and wives shouldn’t complain about it, but women don’t watch or like porn.
  37. Husbands are going to watch sports. this is sacred. a wife should either watch with her husband or, if she must, remain out of the way except to bring him food.
  38. If a husband wants to watch anything on television, the wife must immediately relinquish the remote.
  39. If one spouse doesn’t like what the other one is watching, they can get away with making derisive comments, or interrupting.
  40. Husbands are probably going to regularly comment on other women’s bodies, but even for a wife to giggle girlishly over an attractive man (celebrity, as a real life person would never be okay) is almost crossing a line.
  41. If a man likes something or someone, it is a serious like, but if a woman likes it, it is frivolous and worth mocking.
  42. Married couples probably hate each other, but they’ve achieved their endgame.
  43. As such, it is considered appropriate and even expected that married couples make mean jokes about each other publicly to prove that they can laugh it off.
  44. If either half of a married couple says something anti-marriage, the other both agrees and finds it humorous.
  45. “The old ball and chain.”

–your fangirl heroine.



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