First, without spoilers, I will say: the relief I felt at the end of this movie was close enough to happiness that I accepted it. (Agents of SHIELD in particular has trained me to be used to the long game when it comes to Things happening, so having it somewhat resolved in the few consecutive hours’ worth of sitting was comforting.)
And I (drift partner) was so not the audience for a good 40-50% of this movie, so I am unable to be objective and can only really say that this movie certainly happened to me for two and a half hours.
Here is a spoiler-free list of things we can say.
- Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) is so much more tolerable as an auxiliary fanboy than a protagonist.
- Spider-Man (Tom Holland) made me smile a few times, but literally Tony (Robert Downey Jr.) why did you drag a child into this why why why.
- As per not being the audience for parts of this movie (this is a statement that is in fact true of both of us) here is a list of characters that we Felt Things about a lot.
- Wanda (Elizabeth Olsen) with her trying so hard and her Buffy meets Shilo Wallace aesthetic and she needs lots of ice cream.
- Natasha (Scarlett Johansson) with her hair and her reasonably developed moral compass and she probably needs ice cream too.
- Sharon (Emily Van Camp) with her insistence on independence and her comfort bending the rules and I will hear no arguments against her.
- T’Challa (Chadwick Boseman) with his character arc and his eyes and it needs to be 2018 time for Black Panther already.
- Sam (Anthony Mackie) with his taking no bullshit and his never backing down and good for you, buddy, I’m proud.
- Rhodey (Don Cheadle) with his being alive.
- OH MY GOD WHAT WAS WITH THE LOCATION TITLE CARDS. That shit was straight out of a movie trailer or a Wes Anderson movie and this movie was neither of those things. It was distracting and enraged me every single time it happened. I’m still angry.
–your fangirl heroines.