Spoiler Alert Saturday :: my thoughts on Batman V Superman

24 Apr

Or rather, slightly more coherent highlights from the eight and a half pages of notes I took. (Literally.)  Direct quotes in italics.

  • There was a time above, a time before … blah blah… perfect absolute
  • the bats lifting baby Bruce up like evolving transforming bat Jesus
  • in the dream they took me to the light, a beautiful lie
  • the alien ship looks like a game machine claw, which led me to scribble I’M GAME MACHINE ZOD
  • my dad said the little girl better not be Wonder Woman, I said “ew how would that even” and then suggested it could be Carrie Kelly or something though
  • I’m not a lady, I’m a journalist
  • not keen on Lois needing rescued from the bad African folk
  • I don’t know if it’s possible for you to love me
  • kissing in the bathtub while Clark still had jeans on is gross
  • not keen on the human-trafficked Asian girls
  • really not keen on the bat branding
  • innocents die, that’s how it all starts
  • Jesse Eisenberg’s Lex Luthor was more like a really psychotic OOC alignment-swapped fanfic Topher and I hated his clothes
  • End of Love Affair With Man in the Sky?
  • Lex also did a lot of uncomfortable badtouching
  • the devils don’t come from hell beneath us, no, they come from the sky
  • Bruce and Clark both did a fair amount of hallucinating.
  • you know, with balls like yours you belong in [the men’s restroom]
  • this was, of course, a prolonged pissing contest
  • my R & D is up to all sorts of no good
  • the Superman suit just makes me think “I don’t like men with too many muscles”
  • it’s not 1938
  • I see through that babe in the woods act
  • I’m aggravated it took Wonder Woman so long to show herself, but I liked Diana’s wardobe pretty well
  • Bruce’s extended Mad Bat: Superman Road dream was confusing and weird and the flying anthropomorphized hellbatmen were hilarious
  • that son of a bitch brought the war – to- US
  • the Bat is dead, bury it, consider this mercy / TELL ME, DO YOU BLEED? YOU WILL
  • all of the protest signs (GOD HATES ALIENS, EARTH BELONGS TO HUMANS, SUPERDEATH, etc.) were hilariously bad
  • YOU LET YOUR FAMILY DIE
  • I also appreciate that they always made sure Lex was standing so he blocked the penile area of Zod’s corpse
  • you flew too close to the sun, now look at you
  • the metaphors in this script were either too vague or too heavy-handed
  • not keen on all the lady-kidnapping
  • the actual climactic sequences were significantly less full of ridiculous dialogue and therefore I was less interested; also I was thankful we opted for the 2d experience
  • you’re not brave, men are brave
  • not keen on the whole “suddenly being friends because our moms have the same name” thing
  • the fact that Wonder Woman only suited up in the last ~30 minutes actually really angered me, but I do like her theme music
  • the bell cannot be unrung, he’s hungry, he’s found us, he’s coming

–your fangirl heroine.

what20the20actual20hell

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