Film Friday :: 5 movies that could be improved with ladygay

15 Apr

This is exactly as it sounds.  This is a list of films we enjoy very much that would be significantly improved by the addition of explicit queer behavior between ladies.  There will be more of this, because most films would be improved by this.

5. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
This, of course, implies that there is a way you could improve upon this masterpiece, but hear me out. So the movie happens as it happens, but instead of Hansel having the romance subplot with Mina, Gretel does. Gretel and Mina have the same conversation about witches, but Gretel is even more adamant that there are no good witches. More screentime is spent on her coming around to Mina’s point of view, and when Hansel gets dragged into the woods Gretel is the one who finds Mina there. They have sex not in the gross pond because ew no and from there the movie continues as normal. Maybe Mina doesn’t die, I don’t know. Maybe Hansel and Ben have a thing. Also probably the evil witches are lesbians too? All witches are lesbians now, except Hansel and Gretel’s mother I guess.  Or she still liked girls but reproduced for… plot? I KNOW that’s why Famke Janssen was so mad, because they were lovers and then the mother left her. There I fixed it.

4. Maleficent
Alright, this is gonna get a little weird, I’m sorry. So in this movie Maleficent’s character arc is centered around her hatred of her old friend turned enemy Stefan and his daughter Aurora. She spends Aurora’s entire life hanging around in the background, occasionally keeping her from falling to her death over cliffs, and then brings her to her fairy kingdom once Aurora is a teenager. The point of the film is that Maleficent overcomes her unjust hatred of this girl and remembers what it’s like to love again. The novelization does explicitly say she feels “a mother’s love” for Aurora but, um, I’m sorry, I know it’s a little creepy but they’re a much more convincing love story than Philip and Aurora. The movie literally ends in a coronation scene where Aurora becomes queen of both the fairy and human kingdoms and it looks like a goddamn wedding. They also sell dolls from this scene in a set. I’m just saying.

3. Miss Congeniality
This was my favorite movie when I was ten.  I thought it was amazing and hilarious.  I understand now that it is both of those things, but would be even better if it subverted the “sexy banter heteros” business. Sure!  Miss New York, whatever her name was I forget, was gay.  Why not make everyone?  This is one of my less favorite things, the “butch girl exists but she definitely isn’t gay because that would be a stereotype, butch girls can be hetero too” thing.  Yes, they can, but when there’s not enough gay in general, there’s nothing wrong with tomboys being gay, and this movie would be great because you’d have the tomboy lesbian and the chirpy happy femme lesbian.  And they’d fall in much more convincing love and lessons would be learned and probably at the end when Grace was crowned Miss Congeniality there would be kissing. Also I seem to recall the sequel was subpar, but gave her a female partner, so that was another opportunity wasted. (This would get rid of Benjamin Bratt, whose character is kind of the worst.)

2. Bring It On
I also loved this movie a lot as a young child, in no small part because I was in love with Eliza Dushku, but upon reflection I see that a key opportunity was wasted.  Eliza Dushku’s character Missy was never in a relationship and I don’t remember if her being alt actually led to her being called a lesbian but I think I always intuited that that was possible even before I thought to intuit that? And wouldn’t that be great: disheartened Kirsten Dunst, whose name being Torrance when their mascot was the Toros still angers me, anyway, breaks up with her boyfriend the douche and instead of awkwardly flirting while brushing teeth with some dude brother, she could get into bed with her new friend Missy and oops!  Kissing!  Character growth!  Learning!  Also, the mean supporting cheerleaders would be girlfriends (were they not already? I’m pretty sure they were) and the small one could be dating the one with an overly large vocabulary.  And then sexy flirting rivalry with the Clovers!  Even though they would all be quite gay together, too.  A lot of weird antagonistic banter eventually resolved with “okay let’s all be gay best friends.”

1. Pitch Perfect
So, funny story, I hate a good 95% of male love interests, but I actually like Jesse pretty well. I’ve seen people saying he pushes Beca into a relationship, which I don’t agree with? But I guess it’s a matter of opinion. Anyway, I find him charming, but he also didn’t need to be there in the first movie and he really didn’t need to be there in the second. By movie #2, it became obvious that the studio was like “fucking shit this is too gay QUICK THROW IN THE BOY SEE WE’RE NOT GAY please like our movie middle America and international markets.” Because if you watch the first movie, Chloe’s interactions with Beca are actually way more come-on than Jesse’s. The excuse is that she’s courting her for the Bellas, but c’mon. (Chloe is also clearly whipped for Aubrey, and if we had gone the gay route, it could’ve been a great scene where Chloe tells her off for being a controlling asshole and says they’re broken up. But no.) The second one did it all over again, with Hailee Steinfeld’s character Emily, who is at various turns probably crushing on Beca and Beca and Chloe’s surrogate daughter. This ending song, there is straight up a point where they stare into each others’ eyes. The whole movie would make way more sense if it were about how how Chloe got jealous because Beca had her internship and wasn’t paying attention to her or the Bellas, and meanwhile tiny Emily transfers her idolization of the Bellas onto Beca. (I like Benji too, but seriously, that was an unnecessary romantic subplot.) Oh, and Beca’s probably canonically bi, from the way she was acting toward Kommissar. I love these movies, but they are teetering right into queerbaiting and they gotta cut that shit out. It’s an easy fix in the third movie.

–your fangirl heroines.



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