Whimsy Wednesday :: in which Emily Ice Tits attacks, there are moonboners, and cat FitzSimmons.

16 Dec

Like super smarties, I forgot to have us watch the S movie, Hearts in Ice, after we finished Sailor Moon S.  So now we’re watching it.  As we did with Promise of the Rose we’re watching the English dub because a) that’s the only thing you can find really (or you can find dubs in like, Czech and Portuguese) and b) to contrast how ABSURD the dub I grew up with is in some regards.

“I’ve gotta find that object that fell to earth.  I just know it’s important.”  Well, it’s a glowing crystal.  That means importance here.  Also it’s literally an object from space, of course it’s important, dumbass.

The damn English theme song I still know all the words to this song and it pops into my head in some weird places.  At weird times, too.

All of their American names and English voices it’s so.

“Junior high is coming to an end soon” JUNIOR HIGH IS COMING TO AN END SOON

“What’s to know [about love]?  I’m a cat.  Cats don’t fall in love.”  Luna all British and prissy.

Also, do cats get this kind of sick?  Where they’re lightheaded and flushing?  I feel like no?

Prooooobably not?

Maybe it’s special to semi-anthropomorphized cats.

Well, you know that because she said cats don’t fall in love that means she’s going to.

“Let’s split up,” wherein ~Serena and ~Rini go with Artemis and the other four go off together.

Mrow morw, says Luna. I’m a totally normal cat.

Princess Snow Kaguya.

“You doubt me?  I saw it with my own eyes!”  He’s so indignant.

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.  Whenever I observe the moon I feel some strange and powerful force.”  Or something like that.

IS IT HIS BONER

Yes.

Also, “you have various degrees, including a PhD.”  These two heteros are hilarious and yell constantly.

Rrrraaaawwww mreaw, says Luna.  She is a normal cat!

“You got it!” she exclaims mentally, blushing.  She’s smitten.

“Do I sound crazy for believing there’s a princess on the moon?” …….yes.

And strictly speaking she’s not there anymore.  Because the moon society got exploded by evil.

I should take this time to tell you all the story of when my eleven-year-old friends and I watched this movie on impulse and one of them decided it would be funny to throw pretzels at the bare-boobed lady.

I should also take this time to tell you that when I realized we needed to watch this, I described it as “the ice tits movie.”

It’s a flying ice harpy or something idfk you guys but you should probably fight it.

The fucking love boat music though.

And then!  Contrary to the actual happenings of Sailor Moon S, ~Amara and ~Michelle and what the hell is Pluto’s name in English I feel like it’s something ridiculous like ~Trista but I might be imagining this, they’re in a cafe like nothing is wrong and Uranus and Neptune never booked it after handing a resurrected baby over to her amnesiac dad after Pluto died in a helicopter explosion.  They’re just here to fight the ice harpy as well.  Like the ~cousins and pals they are.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THESE MOVIES GO IN THE TIMELINE OF THE CANON.

I mean, I guess this could take place, like, mid-season three???  But I don’t think so somehow?

This is somehow even more of a continuity mess than either of the Warehouse 13 Christmas episodes.

“Our people have warmth and heart, won’t tolerate the cold shoulder from you!”  There is a missing “they” in that sentence.

“In the name of the moon we shall chill your jets!”

I just can’t.

“Okay, freezer freaks!  Stop right there.”

BUT WAIT Tuxedo Mask hitched a ride on Santa Claus’ sleigh in disguise.

“Winter for us is a long and difficult season but that’s okay, we expect it.  Your evil permanent winter is wrong.”  “You don’t say,” the ice harpy chirps, sounding honestly like Columbia from Rocky Horror.  I definitely have that audio clip in my brain and I may have gotten it mixed up with something said by Columbia.  At this exact moment I couldn’t tell you.

But I love that linereading from Tuxedo Mask though. Like, he wanted to get out of the studio at the end of the day so he just smashed the second half of it into five seconds.

But is that going to be Emily Blunt in The Huntsman though.

OH MY GOD

“Even Amy’s computer didn’t have any information on it.”

“How about that new yellow ribbon?  What does it mean?”

“I guess I’m… just a cat,” Luna mumbles to herself, wibbling.

I like ~Serena’s boots though.

I have seen this movie too many times.  These linereadings live in my head even if I don’t remember them off the top of my head.

“Sweet and melty.  Sounds like an ice cream cone.”

“It seems like you really understand me, like you’re almost human.”  “Mrraaawwww.”

“Up in space” is…an interesting phrase.

“If only I weren’t stuck in this cat body.”

Lita.  Holy shit, Jupiter’s name is Lita.  I always forget this.

“You mean you… haven’t noticed??”  Iconic.

“Yes, I suppose it would be nice to fall in love now, but better after the entrance exams.”

“Do you remember my ex-boyfriend Tom?  He was a hunk.”

I can’t stop laughing oh my god

oH LOOK, COUSINS

“You haven’t even seen the TIP of my iceberg!”

hELP

Ohmygod awkward heterosexual cats

Sliding doors are not that easy to open.

“Kakeru, as soon as I return from my trip to space, I’d like to stay here with you.”  “…I can’t accept the fact that you think the moon is nothing more than an object that floats around the earth.”  I mean, inviting oneself to move in isn’t a great move, but “feelings about the moon” should probably not be a reason to break up with someone.

but moonboners

“I know, now I know what true love must feel like, and I wish I didn’t.”  Luna is the saddest cat crying sad cat tears.

I’m an asshole and still laughing

No, it’s hilarious.  Ice Tits Emily Blunt is here to invade the home of Luna’s human paramour.

“Princess Snow Kaguya?  Catchy handle.”  No, it’s really, really not.

“It’s time to cover the earth with my lovely and cozy blanket of ice!  HAAAAAAA!

LET IT GOOOOO LET IT GOOOOO

“I just remembered!  About a prehistoric event!”  “Silver crystal power, the power and love and friendship” oh my god.

“It’s time for a meltdown, Sailor Scouts.”  “I’m ready, let’s melt them.”

The dialogue in the dub is so A+.

“I’m a scientist, I don’t believe in evil beings in space.” Said Jemma Simmons.

“You still couldn’t be his girl,” Serena says to Luna oh my god I’m so dead of the hilarity of all of this every last bit

Why does Emily Ice Tits have vampire fangs?  We just don’t know.

“I’m Sailor Pluto, the keeper of time!  The earth will not turn to ice, time will tell!”  I like that they have to make every single line into something pithy.

I could come up with better puns than that. “Time to show you what we’re made of” or something.

“Oh, no, what am I going to do?”  Summon more yipping snow dancer tit witches, obviously.

“Mars Celestial Fire Surround” sounds different than “Burning Mandala.”  Some of the attack are reasonably close or the same.  “Shine Aqua Illusion” is the same.  But.

“Jupiter Thunderclap Zap” vs. “Sparkling Wide Pressure.”

“Someone… please… warn her… of… the … danger.”

“Our carnival is over for you, Sailor Scouts.  Say goodbyyyyeeeee” oh my god.

“Sometimes we have love and sometimes we lose love!”

Sailor Moon gives a monologue about life and love as the others stare at her dewy-eyed.

Somehow Emily Ice Tits is confused by the double transformation.  Like that’s the part of this that doesn’t make sense.

“This should finish you off, you little ice flake!”

“This vacant, still world of yours has no heart,” says Sailor Moon, prompting Venus to shout, “Stop it, Sailor Moon, don’t use the Silver Crystal or you’ll die!”  “I won’t let you die!” shouts Uranus.  And then Mercury remembers what Artemis expositiondumped.

Everyone holds hands.  “FOR OUR WORLD OF LOVE AND LIFE”  and Sailor Moon holds up the silver crystal as they all turn to glowing silver and spin in a circle while Emily Ice Tits tries to battle them.

“Oh no!  Not that light again!” Emily Ice Tits shouts.

The ice planet explodes and Sailor Moon uses her Silver Crystal Power to turn Luna into… Princess Snow Kaguya, who is a human woman with long ebony hair that goes down to her mid-back and a ruffly yellow dress with black accents and she glitters because she’s a space princess.

“Oh, wow, it’s daybreak!”

She sure got to astronautting in space fast after she left.

Also, the ruffly tit flowers on Luna’s dress what the hell even.

“I’ll have to leave you now, dear spaceman.”

aw man my brain just did a very mean thing regarding Doctor Who that is not okay

That space flight was really super fast if she’s back already.

“Yes, I have to be okay, because I’m a cat!”

“I’ll always be near you, because you’re my soulmate!” MOVING A LITTLE FAST THERE, AREN’T YOU

…cat FitzSimmons?

–your fangirl heroines.

imtheniceone

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