Here, a list.
- Good god why was the Spectre symbol an octopus: this was incredibly distracting in premise because, uh, yeah, and this was incredibly distracting when first he picked up the ring with the octopus on it because I went “shit” and then went “wait why does that octopus only have seven legs, I mean I’m not judging but hey” and then it was incredibly distracting during the main credits where sexy naked oily Daniel Craig and sexy naked oily women were dancing around, gyrating, and actually doing the do with a giant very real octopus floating behind them and twining around them like tentacle hentai.
- I turned to my mom during said tentacle hentai and went “is this really happening right now??” She lamented because she enjoyed the style of the original cheesy-ass opening credits and did not like the with-real-people oily version that was being employed here, and I said “no, I mean the octopus sex.” I did not anticipate saying the words “octopus sex” today or for a while, so that was weird.
- But at least the opening credits were absolutely hilarious in a completely what the fuck kind of way. The film itself? The most predictable. This is the nature of the Bond genre, I suppose, but I keep hoping for, y’know, evolution, like I do with all of my action films. It’s like.
- New guy in the department talking about how Ralph Fiennes is a square? New guy happens to be played by the guy who plays Moriarty on the BBC Sherlock? New guy is evil. Confirmed.
- New guy is talking about heightened surveillance blah blah world leaders blah blah security blah blah evil. Confirmed.
- Could new guy be working with the surprise big bad that just showed up out of nowhere running a secret evil organization whose goals are unclear (but that seem to involve regulating access to immunizations and prostitution? So????) but that, surprise, has been ACTUALLY responsible for every SINGLE villain in the entire Daniel Craig portion of the franchise? Confirmed.
- And this one is getting a bullet point and not just a sub-bullet-point, because I had no idea this was the case and it is just that ridiculous to me. Christoph Waltz, who don’t get me wrong is great at playing Hans Landa but has been playing Hans Landa for like seven years now in the majority of his film roles, is the new head of not-Hydra. He is whispery and German and sinister and giggles a lot, so much that you expect him to giggle behind his hand like a Sailor Moon villain. The plot slowly unravels so we find out that there is a connection between not-Hydra and every villain in the franchise, as said, and it soon comes clear that Christoph Waltz has intentionally plotted this presumably multi-billion-dollar crime syndicate that has systematically destroyed countless lives and locations, because when he was a kid his dad took James Bond in as a foster kid after his parents died and his daddy loved James more than him. Probably. It isn’t actually said in so many words, but he resents the fact that he was expected to treat James with care. This man has destroyed major chunks of the world because his father held affection for another child when he was a child.
- I’m glad that Moneypenny (Naomie Harris) is getting some and she’s very functional and I like her. I’m fairly convinced, though I have no reason to believe this except the occasional vague ho-yay with James, that Q (Ben Whishaw) is gay. I would watch a movie about either of these things 100x more than this movie.
- Add Madeleine (Lea Seydoux) to the collection of underused modern Bond women. She’s so cute but she could have done so much more. But I’m glad that she didn’t prove untrustworthy, like my dad kept whispering. That made me feel smug.
- We did not need multiple car chases. Though they gave me ample time to daydream about Bobbi Morse, I guess.
- Why did Dave Bautista stab a random’s eyes out with his thumb claws.
- I’m so tired.
–your fangirl heroine.