In the opening sequence of this movie, a group of pseudomedieval knights and their priest, accompanied by vaguely Viking’d Vin Diesel, invade a bug-infested weirwood tree to kill a decomposed witch queen, who then curses Vin Diesel with immortality before he explodes the tree. All of this is done with the utmost seriousness.
I think I expected this film to be a little more tongue-in-cheek than it ultimately was (a little more Hansel & Gretel) but it was still a goofy fantasy action movie. The evil witches were as a general rule fairly gross, and the mythology was more backstory and selective explanation than comprehensive history lesson, but it was a movie about Vin Diesel hunting witches.
Elijah Wood was conniving and sly and a total sycophant.
Michael Caine was… there.
Rose Leslie was the reason I saw this movie, 100%, but she was adorable. She got to keep her accent, she was a precious little hipster-punk witch bar owner with a cool special gift and a cool knife. Also she passed the Bechdel test and did not kiss Vin Diesel. So that’s a thing.
Lotte Verbeek was a good memory-wife. She’s pretty.
Very acceptable trash.
–your fangirl heroine.