Whimsy Wednesday :: in which I don’t know how the season one finale episodes didn’t rip my heart out as a child.

21 Jan

Here we go. Finishing season one tonight. Tonight is a good night to watch Sailor Moon. I need something silly that I know will end in a way that makes it mostly all right. Even if season one ends in sort of an odd way regarding what is and is not okay, if I remember.

“We’ll always be together,” says the part of the narration that Usagi gives at the beginning of the episode, which obviously spells doom.

And the cats are all bandaged up as they watch the television news.

They’ve all returned from the Multidimensional Chaos World to stand around in their winter coats talking about planning for the big disastrous battle they’re about to go have. “Usagi, let’s stop thinking about ‘what if’” says Minako. Then they talk about hypothetical future love and Ami mentions she’s interested and they’re all like WHAT and she’s embarrassed and asexuality spectrum Ami Mizuno is a thing I am continuing to be interested in.

And they Sailor Teleport to fight the Dark Kingdrom, destroying the cement out in front of Rei’s grandpa’s shrine. And they land in snow and Mercury computers up a sense of a strong evil aura coming from… the snow volcano emitting purple doom dust.

Queen Beryl calls upon the alien pinup models to fight the senshi, but first distracts Sailor Moon with a magicked-up bedraggled beat-up Tuxedo Kamen. The others try to stop her from trying to help, and Sailor Mercury points out that nope it’s a monster because she can figure that out with her computer. It’s actually one of the DD Girls, which is… a strange nickname. They’re at Point D, which could be why. But it sounds suspicious.

A lot of the Dark Kingdom monsters fight with evil vines.

Time to fight those evil vines with a fire tiara, except that didn’t work because they tightened around Jupiter even more and Jupiter is trying to fight back like the badass she is but she… is electrocuting herself. Oops. And now she’s fallen onto an evil icicle sculpture protruding from the ground and isn’t going to make it.

“If you like to me the King of Hell will rip out your tongue,” Sailor Moon cries woefully, trying to chastise Jupiter into not dying. Alas, that will not work. She is… very dead.

Aw. Mercury slapping Sailor Moon for suggesting they give in and then immediately apologizing because “just try to understand,” don’t let Jupiter have died in vain. Now she stays behind to fight off enemies because the others’ love chains and tiaras and fireballs will be stronger than bubbles.

“So even I can see illusions like this,” Mercury comments with a smile as they attempt to distract her with an illusion of Urawa-kun. But then they also try to fight her with fireballs and illusions and oops they’ve got her. She is also now dead, almost. “Looks like now’s the last time I’ll be using this,” she murmurs as she uses her tiny computer to break the crystal on the DD Girl’s forehead that creates the illusions before dying. I don’t know how these episodes didn’t completely destroy me when I was a kid, because they’re very emotional. And full of sad orchestral music. Possibly because I watched them out of order.

Now more evil vines have snatched Venus into a hole in the ground where she is now fighting them with her tiara powers but oops she’s now dead, too.

God. The wistfully-lit shots of them smiling in flashback after they die. I’d have been a wreck.

And Mars saying “all we ever did was fight, but it was fun” before going to face the DD Girls to buy Sailor Moon the time to fight.

Sailor Moon doesn’t have pupils in her eyes. The DD Girl is trying to attack her but Sailor Mars blasts her from inside the ice cavern with fire and then… fights and screams and dies.

Except not yet! First she’s going to pull on the DD Girl’s vine arm and burn her up and explode her. Now she can whisper that she should have kissed Yuichiro and sad smiley faces and this is really horrible for a kids’ show.

“When I wake up, they’ll all say ‘good morning’ like always,” Sailor Moon whispers, crying. And now oh my god shit there are ghosts I forgot there were ghosts that are semi-transparent semi-colored-penciled visions of them behind her spurring her on. “We’re always with you,” Sailor Mars’ ghost says. All of the colored-penciled ghosts spur her on. This is so horrible. And by horrible I mean actually pretty well done but devastating and how was I not a mess when I was little.

Oh shit. Endymion awakes with evil eyes.

Okay. So Sailor Moon heads for the Dark Kingdom’s lair, marked once more by the purple smoke volcano.

Queen Beryl sees her coming. “I will show you what hell is,” she swears before zapping Sailor Moon up in a red energy bubble and phasing her through to the Dark Kingdom’s lair, where she herself stands in the shadows holding her evil psychic staff in one hand and being kissed on the other hand by a kneeling Endymion.

He cannot be fixed with Moon Healing Escalation, because Queen Beryl explains that she is still inexperienced as a princess. “Hand over the Silver Crystal like a good girl,” she says.

Endymion, pupilless, throws a black rose at her that turns into vines that wrap around her and electrocute her. This shit is so dark.

Then he kicks her just for good measure, then picks her up and strangles her with an electrically-charged fist while Queen Beryl monologues about the sun being covered with dark spots to herald Metalia’s return. Then asks Endymion to decapitate Sailor Moon. Holy shit. This is dark as fuck.

But wait! The jewel in Sailor Moon’s tiara glows and she stabs Endymion in the tummy with said tiara before he falls to the floor, then it does the same. He growls, picks up his sword, holds his tummy. “The dark energy is inside Endymion’s body,” Beryl says. “It will take more than that to defeat him.”

Apparently she thinks that screaming “Stop it!” will do the trick. But then she brings out the Moon Locket and stares up at him with wibbley eyes and “You’ve been poisoned by bad energy” and

Who the heck is Mamoru

And the rainbow background and tinselly music oh my god and then he touches the Moon Locket and remembers all!!! He remembers being the prince of Earth and he remembers being Mamoru and he remembers being Tuxedo Mask and his body lights up and then he… falls over again.

But his rose is red!

You can tell they’ve all been fighting because there are more scribbly black lines over them than usual.

Mamoru blasts Queen Beryl’s evil crystal stick with a rose and it stabs her in the heart and makes her… crack into pieces… but also the crystal stabs him and he falls into Usagi’s arms.

“Is Endymion’s love for that girl destroying my body?” Queen Beryl asks as she melts into the floor.

Mamoru dies in Usagi’s arms asking her to go have a normal life and Usagi sobs but hey, at least he didn’t die as evil Endymion, right?

Now there’s sneaky music as Queen Beryl, in a different part of the lair, begs Metalia for power. “The time has come to imbue all living things in the universe with hatred and greed,” Metalia says, causing Beryl to growl.

And Usagi refuses to kiss Mamoru’s corpse because Ami and Rei and Mako and Minako didn’t get to kiss their crushes before they died. That is a weird version of loyalty.

Oh, shit. Eviler Beryl has erupted out of a giant black flower from the ground and is giant and is going to fight ~Princess Serenity~ and so many bad guys erupt out of flowers in this series.

Oh, shit, indeed. Princess Serenity is now fully active and meanwhile the streets of Tokyo are experiencing a blackout and Artemis is pointing out that the world is ending and Luna wants to go help but Artemis is trying to stop her. Emotional bandaged cats on the rooftop.

Jaysus. I’d forgotten how giant eviler Beryl was. She’s giant. She’s so giant and evil they have to fight while the theme song of the show plays. The theme song, complete with lyrics, is playing. That’s how hardcore this is.

Queen Beryl is an evil misanthrope, but Serenity believes in the world that everyone died to protect. Also uh, epilepsy warning for any of y’all who go to watch this.

Serenity asks for strength and recalls her friends’… opinions about love, apparently, but that does the trick because she’s getting more strength and oh god their ghost hands are covering her hands on the Moon Stick and they’re all shouting power and holy shit this is so epic and tragic and incredible. Giant pink glow ball of destruction.

Sailor Moon says thank you and then also dies.

Now Usagi is monologuing about her daily routine and the joy of ordinary life in voiceover.

OH LOOK SHE IS NOT DEAD. There she is running out the door running to school and the girls have all been reincarnated. They have no memories of being together, but they’re alive! And they can meet each other once again. It’s all just like it was! For them season one was a null hypothesis. And Naru’s joking about how Mamoru might be Usagi’s soulmate and Usagi’s like “ew no.”  And this is really important because look at all of those resurrected girls.

–your fangirl heroine.



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