Spoiler Alert Saturday :: my thoughts on The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

17 Jan

Once again, I preface this with the disclaimer that I am not a Tolkien person.  It has never been my world, while I understand why it is many other people’s.  So I go to these movies more or less because it’s something to do (we go when we’re out of town visiting family, as it’s timed out correctly for the last three years), not because I’m particularly committed to them.

So here… is a collection of random thoughts about this film, thoughts that come from no serious place at all.

  • On the subject of Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly).  I sure do wish that she had wound up having more of a role in the narrative than love interest, that would have been nice, but the love triangle… wasn’t the most awful triangle that has ever been (except the behind-the-scenes politics of it, but that’s old news).  At least… at least Legolas (Orlando Bloom) pretty much just accepted her interest in Kili (Aidan Turner) and didn’t try to guilt her into choosing him instead?  And still sided with her against Thranduil (Lee Pace)?  That’s… something, I guess?  I don’t really… know.  I could have done without Tauriel sobbing over Kili’s corpse, as that was… pretty bad dialogue.  Actually, the solution: I could have just watched Tauriel do combat for two hours, probably.  That would have been fun.
  • The highlight of the movie for me was probably when Legolas was fighting the Orc on the tower that had fallen across the gap like a bridge and was falling apart brick by brick like a horizontal Jenga game, then he actually ran up bricks as they fell like he was in a game of old-school Mario.  I was glad we were the only ones in the theater, because I was laughing hysterically by that point.
  • I actually laughed at a lot of the small details of the battle scenes, because if I get in the right mood weirdly choreographed battle scenes crack me up like few other things.  I’m blanking on a lot of the specifics now, though, a few days removed from my viewing.
  • I do remember I kept laughing every time I saw Thranduil on his battle moose.  Especially when he used said battle moose to twelve-point a whole passel of enemy soldiers.
  • Another highlight was the scene with Gandalf (Ian McKellen) being rescued from evil by Galadriel (Cate Blanchett) and Elrond (Hugo Weaving) and Saruman (Christopher Lee).  I apparently don’t remember the book at all, because I didn’t recall any such thing happening, but there the others were rescuing Gandalf from transparent evil ghost knights that looked like they were from the commercials from the video game Assassin’s Creed that appeared out of nowhere.  There was Galadriel apparently turning into Samara from The Ring to banish the evil of Sauron or… whatever.

–your fangirl heroine.

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