Monster Monday :: 11 brief and highly cracky imaginings of fictional characters as vampires.

6 Feb

If, you know, we’re doing a lot of drugs and inventing the most messed-up crossover fiction of all time or something.  AKA, this list is essentially terrible fanfiction, and I know that.   But it stems from that AU meme that was floating around tumblr ages ago, and thoughts I had then, and when I have these offhand thoughts, they sometimes become lists, and… well.  As always, I’m just imagining them along the lines of Buffy or True Blood vampires, because that’s what I know best, but I’m not trying to insert them into those canons, just in the style of, and I do apologize again for the ridiculous.  I just think that we’re possibly overdue for some crack.  Or… something.

11. Basically anyone from Game of Thrones
I’m imagining this like a fantasy realm True Blood, essentially.  The same sorts of King/Queen powerplays and all that, and still a lot of bloody decapitation and stuff.  I don’t know if it would actually be that different of a story.  The various gruesome killings would just be different in nature.  Cersei (Lena Headey) and Jaime (Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) could have an even more messed-up dynamic.  Dany (Emilia Clarke) would be from a non-vampire family and marry into vampirism.  And get really good at it, in her way, because she is a badass.  Sansa (Sophie Turner) could do some things that would be awesome, even if I don’t know what they would be.  Yes.

10. …or anyone from Boardwalk Empire
Margaret (Kelly Macdonald) resists letting Nucky (Steve Buscemi) turn her for a while, but then she gives in.  Every gangster is always a vampire.  They deal in blood instead of liquor.  Or they deal in liquor anyway and laugh at all the humans.  Again, sort of like True Blood.

OH MY GOSH I don’t know how it happened that I typed this entire post out, and all of it disappeared but the first two number points, and I’m just now realizing this.  Formatting, what.  Embarrassment, quick fixing.  Apologizing for this ridiculous, but not nearly as much as in draft one.  So.

9. …or anyone from Deadwood
Not everyone, but a lot of them.  Al (Ian McShane) and Cy (Powers Boothe) would be vampire pimps.  Jane (Robin Weigert) would be human, but Joanie (Kim Dickens) would be a vampire, so it would be awkward in that “Joanie is kind of an old-timey whore lady!Angel sometimes” way.  Sol (John Hawkes) would be human, but Trixie (Paula Malcomson) would be a vampire, so it would be awkward in that “Trixie could totally be an old-timey whore lady!Spike sometimes” way.  Seth (Timothy Olyphant) could be the neighborhood werewolf.

8, 7. Betty and Don Draper (January Jones and Jon Hamm, Mad Men)
Don would be sired in the war or something, and he would sire Betty out of loneliness.  Theirs would be a relationship of awkward, but they’d think it would work, and their vampire-marriage would go on a while before crash-landing.  It would be like canon, but without children and with vampirism.

6. Babydoll (Emily Browning, Sucker Punch)
And then the High Roller would ACTUALLY BE DON DRAPER, and would go to the brothel (this is ignoring the first level of reality altogether) and while he and Baby were having their consensual deleted scene sex, he’d consensually turn her.  And then she’d contemplate getting revenge on everyone who’d wronged her, but she’d eventually decide just to spend a while protecting Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish) from things that go bump in the night.  At a distance.  Going from lady!Spike to lady!Angel.

5, 4. Envy Adams and Gideon Graves (Brie Larson and Jason Schwartzman, Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World)
It would be like that terrible movie Suck, except instead of all being vampires, the members of the Clash at Demonhead would all be different supernatural things.  Envy would let Gideon sire her.  Todd (Brandon Routh) would just be his crazed vegan self.  Lynette the drummer (Tennessee Thomas) would be a werewolf or something.  They would try to be famous and hip.  Gideon would want to sire Ramona (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), though, and that would not go over well with her.

3. YoSaffBridge (Christina Hendricks, Firefly)
Three reasons: psychopaths make the best vampires, she would be amazing with the gift of thrall, and this.  Because…

2, 1. Alpha and Whiskey (Alan Tudyk and Amy Acker, Dollhouse)
Which is here.  Alpha/Whiskey is this twisted, terrible-for-all-involved, sadistic doom kind of ship, but I think it could work in a weird-ass vampire context where out of desperation, Alpha printed Crystal back into Whiskey (with a few modifications, probably) and then sired her.  They could go on crazy adventures.  They could team up with vampire YoSaffBridge and be like a vampiric Joker+Harley+Ivy team, but minus the obvious abuses and the Harley/Ivy undertones.  It could be demented and bloody and kind of neat.

So yes.

–your fangirl heroine.


2 Responses to “Monster Monday :: 11 brief and highly cracky imaginings of fictional characters as vampires.”

  1. kim February 2012 at 6:45 am #

    vampires are such a victorian fetish. people ought to just admit it, and then get on with their lives.

    • partlydrawn February 2012 at 11:21 am #

      Victorian fetish, sure. Like any make-believe idea at all, they’re still entertaining to plenty of people who can be amused/appalled/interested/something else for howeverlong and then, yes, get on with their lives. The great thing about fiction is that if you aren’t interested, you can pick up and turn your attentions elsewhere. All fiction is someone’s fetish, and so long as it doesn’t lead to something harmful, there’s no shame in that.

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