Spoiler Alert Saturday :: my thoughts on Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Mixed feelings.  Mixed feelings in spades.  I mean, it’s a Pirates movie, it’s not Shakespeare.  But by the same token, just because something is designed to entertain and swashbuckle doesn’t mean it can’t be genius.  Pirates has never been genius.  The first one probably seemed funnier because I was younger and sillier at the time; now the same three jokes getting respun in varying contexts is a little old.  They’re four movies now that are the same thing each time, a bit different window dressing, but no more than that.  It’s not a hideous formula, but it’s also not thrilling.

I’m just going to sort this for you into LIKES and DISLIKES.

LIKES:

• Ian McShane.  He just does articulate sociopath so damn well.
• Johnny Depp’s accent.  I’m sort of over Jack Sparrow as a character, but I’m still fond of most lower-class British accents, so.
• Penelope Cruz’s corsets.
• The vampire/Spider-man/cannibal/siren mermaids.  Because, what?
• Astrid Berges-Frisbey’s face.  I dunno, I’d like to see her in something where she actually did something, I got an endearing vibe off of her.
• Spanish guitar music.
• An absence of Orlando Bloom’s Will and Keira Knightley’s Elizabeth.

DISLIKES:

• Geoffrey Rush’s bad I’m Trying To Look Poncey wig and makeup thing.  I got that that was intentionally bad, but it was still unpleasant to look at.
• The fact that Penelope Cruz’s alleged backstory changed five thousand times and I didn’t really get a clear read of what her character was in it for.  First she wanted to make Jack sad for having… driven her out of the convent with sex?  Then it was all OHAI let’s go to the Fountain of Youth~  Then it was all lolhe’smydadrlysrsly.  Then it was all I HEART GOD AND SALVATION AND STUFF.  Pick something and stick with it, babygirl.
• The fact that, while Ian McShane was clearly enjoying what he had to do, he didn’t have to do nearly as much as he deserves.
• Richard Griffith’s absolutely ridiculous (flaming) King George.
• I started mentally clock-watching about forty-five minutes before the ending.
• (Also sort of a like in a different way.)  My dad and I had the exact same snarkthoughts the entire time.  It’s nice to be on the same wavelength, but it’s also a sign of the movie’s predictability.

I wasn’t expecting much.  I wasn’t expecting great brilliance, hell no.  It was entertaining enough for what it was, it just… well, I miss Cry-Baby Johnny Depp.

–your fangirl heroine.