Things in Print Thursday :: a play-by-play of someone’s list of the top 50 children’s books of all time and females.

List found here.

Female central protagonist
Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll (with the titular Alice)
The Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder (with Laura, who wrote them)
Matilda by Roald Dahl (with the titular Matilda)
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (with Mary Lennox)
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (with Jo March)
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle (with Meg Murry)
Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmans (with the titular Madeline)
Heidi by Johanna Spyri (with the titular Heidi)
A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett (with Sara Crewe)
Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery (with the titular Anne)
Pippi Longstocking by Astrid Lindgren (with the titular Pippi)
The Ramona Quimby books by Beverly Cleary (with the titular Ramona)

12 titles.  9 with female authors.

Female author
The Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling
The Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown
The Tale of Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter
The Giver by Lois Lowry
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
The Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks
Heidi by Johanna Spyri
A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett
Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
Pippi Longstocking by Astrid Lindgren
Stone Soup by Marcia Brown
The Ramona Quimby books by Beverly Cleary

16 titles.  Yeesh.

Also of note: only 2 titles on this list (A Little Princess and Stone Soup) did not appear on any of the other lists I’ve reviewed.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: a play-by-play of another list of the top 100 children’s books of all time and females.

This one is from Scholastic.com, which is from a different perspective altogether (publishing as opposed to academia or independent connoisseurship).  So.

Female central protagonists
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle (with Meg)
The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank (with Anne herself)
Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery (with the titular Anne)
Madeline by Ludwig Bemelmans (with the titular Madeline)
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt (with Winnie Foster)
Pat the Bunny by Dorothy Kunhardt (well there are two main ones, and one of them is Judy)
When Marian Sang by Pam Muñoz Ryan (with the titular Marian)
Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale by Mo Willems (with Trixie)
Where the Mountain Meets the Moon by Grace Lin (with Minli)
Are You There, God?  It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume (with the titular Margaret)
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (with Katniss)
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (with Mary)
Matilda by Roald Dahl (with the titular Matilda)
Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan (with the titular Sarah)
Through My Eyes by Ruby Bridges (with Ruby herself)
Tea With Milk by Allen Say (with May)
Owl Moon by Jane Yolen (with a little girl)
Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh by Robert C. O’Brien (with the titular Mrs. Frisby)
Ivy + Bean by Annie Barrows (with both titular girls)
Yoko by Rosemary Wells (with the titular Yoko)
Gossie by Olivier Dunrea (with the titular Gossie)

21 titles.  15 of which had female authors.

Female authors
Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J. K. Rowling
The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank
Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt
Pat the Bunny by Dorothy Kunhardt
When Marian Sang by Pam Muñoz Ryan
The Giver by Lois Lowry
Where the Mountain Meets the Moon by Grace Lin
Are You There, God?  It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
The Mitten by Jan Brett
The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear by Audrey Wood
Moo Baa La La La by Sandra Boynton
Good Night, Gorilla by Peggy Rathman
Not a Box by Antoinette Pertis
Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan
Sylvia Long’s Mother Goose by Sylvia Long
Through My Eyes by Ruby Bridges
Smile! by Roberta Grobel Intrater
Living Sunlight by by Molly Bang and Penny Chisholm
Harvesting Hope: The Story of Cesar Chavez by by Kathleen Krull
Dear Juno by Soyung Pak
Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes by Annie Kubler
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Owl Moon by Jane Yolen
Peek-a-Who? by Nina Laden
Llama Llama Red Pajama by Anna Dewdney
Ivy + Bean by Annie Barrows
Yoko by Rosemary Wells
No No Yes Yes by Leslie Patricelli
Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume
Rules by Cynthia Lord
An Egg is Quiet by Dianna Hutts Aston
Team Moon: How 400,000 People Landed Apollo 11 on the Moon by Catherine Thimmesh
What Shall We Do With the Boo Hoo Baby? by Cressida Cowell
I Took the Moon For a Walk by Carolyn Curtis
A Single Shard by Linda Sue Park

41 titles.  That’s the most respectable statistic to date.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: 5 of my Harry Potter heroines

Because I was going to do just overall junior high literary heroines that counted, but I realized that since that list was already more than half Harry Potter characters, I might as well just think up a couple more who count.  I am talking about this on Thursday and not in Friday because to be honest, while I love the movies it was never a case of “I liked you okay in the books but now I’m thinking more seriously about you because of the films.”  The movies help what was already there, but they never brought me to giving more of a damn about someone I didn’t already like a lot.

5. Rowena Ravenclaw
This is pretty straightforward.  I am a Ravenclaw and I always have been: when I was in fifth grade, before I’d read the books, I went to a friend’s Harry Potter-themed birthday party.  There was obviously a sorting before the little small-group games, and everyone who had read the books was all enthusiastic about being in Gryffindor (because people often are, just look at the amount of Gryffindor scarves purchased/worn at the Universal Wizarding World park compared to the other houses, and because we were young and there was none of this).  Knowing nothing, I assumed that my results would be more accurate than that of the girls who were trying for a certain thing, and my results said Ravenclaw.  By the time I read the books a year later, I knew that yes, I was a Ravenclaw forever.  As such, I have always had a soft spot for Rowena Ravenclaw, though she’s more of a legend than a character.  I like that the Harry Potter wiki lists both intelligence and creativity among her attributes.  (Oh, I guess that’s one thing the movies did do, though: make me give more of a damn about her daughter.  Because before Helena Ravenclaw was Kelly Macdonald, I didn’t care much.)

4. Katie Bell
I have the world’s most irrational soft spot for Katie Bell, and this is because she was always the one who was getting injured.  I know that’s a weird reason to like a character, but for some reason.  I like her because she was allegedly really sweet, she was all sporty and whatnot as per being on the Quidditch team but she was never just written into the two-dimensional box of “look a tomboy” like minor character athletes can be, and her injuries and whatnot were usually either in an athletic context or in the context of doing something to inadvertently protect others (i.e. being cursed by the necklace meant for Dumbledore).  You really don’t ever know too too much about Katie, but I love her anyway.

3. Luna Lovegood
Oh, my darling Luna.  The most important Ravenclaw in the series, hands down, and a presence that the central characters very much needed.  People are always focusing on how ~quirky~ and innocently nutty Luna is, and I think that’s an important part of her definitely, but I think it’s not just important because oh, look, she’s got funny glasses and is talking about nonsense creatures isn’t that wacky?  The other main characters tend to have fairly straightforward viewpoints: things are good/bad, truth/lie, light/dark, etcetera.  And I wouldn’t say that Luna is morally gray by any means, but she tends to see things that the others might not (to an extent the Thestrals are a metaphor for this probably) and while she is quick to give her loyalty, she is not an inherently judgmental person (bless them, and they’re often right, but others of the central group do have this tendency, particularly Ron).  Being a relatively late entry and a Ravenclaw, Luna’s actions are less expected than those of Harry-Ron-Hermione-Ginny-Neville to an extent.  And while Luna is a total badass, she is not necessarily a badass in the expected ways.

2. Nymphadora Tonks
Tonks is my current favorite character (she has been since her first appearance, really) and this is for a lot of reasons.  For one, she is perhaps the most important Hufflepuff in the series, and while I am not a Hufflepuff I have the utmost respect for them really; for another, she is a different kind of ~quirky~ than Luna but still definitely not-the-norm, which is cool.  She is a little more standard-badass, but not at the expense of having other important character traits, which is something I appreciate too.  As I have said before many times, her and Lupin’s deaths are the ones I took the hardest, but I have also said before that I am a fictional masochist, so I really should have expected that to happen.  I like that she’s kind of punk rock and weird and wearing hair colors not found in nature despite the fact that I can’t recall there being a single other magic-user who does things like that; I like that she does things because she believes they’re right or what she wants and bad luck to you if you mean to stop her.

1. Hermione Granger
When I started reading the books, I was in junior high; only the first four were out at the time, and it’s pretty reasonable that I latched onto Hermione really hard.  (Three of my friends and I had an actual Hermione club, which had some noble intentions [doing really well in school] and some ridiculous ones [we all owned black duster sweaters because they were like robes and to varying degrees attempted to wave our hair, we were eleven what do you want from us].)  She was really everything my youthful self looked for in a literary role model, bookish and perfectionistic and loyal and bookish some more, and while she eventually got replaced in my heart by others, I am still very fond of her.  I love how important she is to things, how she proves so clearly that doing your research is a good and helpful thing (and hey, doing your research is all kinds of my thing, so), how she is again a badass but not in the most obvious way except for then she can also be a badass in the obvious way.  I love that while she’s in these love plots all the time, they never define her wholly.  I love that they need her, and not just because of her smarts (but those do help).

–your fangirl heroine.

Fictional Friday :: 6 ruling bodies that have made me wary of fictional ruling bodies as a whole

I am not, as I have said before, an inherently political person.  I have opinions, but there are only certain debates I feel comfortable getting into.  But I have learned, maybe this is just the nature of the fiction I partake of, to be exceptionally suspicious of the ruling bodies therein, especially the ones who say that they are doing things for the good of their citizens.  They might think they are, even, but I tend toward skepticism nonetheless, because it almost never ends well.

6. The s2-current and recent past political crowd of King’s Landing (Game of Thrones and also the books)
Because I don’t think anyone’s pretending that Robert (Mark Addy) was exactly aces as a king, and Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) is so very much not a good king.  And while the others are interesting, and some of them like Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) actually know what they’re doing sort of, and some of them like Cersei (Lena Headey) are cool in an antagonist way, and some of them like Ned (Sean Bean) had good intentions, it’s a mess.  Political crowd: actual rulers, those on the council, others.  Also, I am inherently suspicious of any group of thinkers that Baelish (Aidan Gillen) is a part of, because he is interesting and maybe reading more will change my opinion, but right now he just makes me uncomfortable.

5. The Watcher’s Council (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
There’s a reason, after all, that Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) disowned them.  I like to imagine a nicer world where the Council could be this cool thing where people who aren’t Slayers but are dedicated to fighting supernatural evil an really like books and whatnot could band together to help Slayers do their thing, but that isn’t the way of it in canon.  The Council is controlling and generally not with the times, these or any other; they’re more concerned with the superficial acceptability of circumstances than the reality of what the Slayers do, and that’s not helpful.

4. The Authority (True Blood)
I think I’ve made this point plenty of times, no?  Even before season 5, when all we really knew of them was Nan Flanagan (Jessica Tuck) and a group of vampires sitting before a screen with their backs to us, the Authority seemed ominous.  The sitting before a screen thing is actually not unlike the SHIELD board in The Avengers (they are not on this list because I don’t know enough about them to discuss them beyond this mention, but I’m sure they very well could be did I know more) and tends to be a good visual representation of, again, those who are Not With The Times.  They’re detached from the reality of their constituents.  And as season 5 teaches, yep, the Authority is very much that.  Nora (Lucy Griffiths) says as much, and while she probably was being snarky because of her at-that-point secret Lilith thing, it was an apt observation.  Roman (Christopher Meloni) was so focused on an ideal that he wasn’t 100% dealing with what was actually being done, and then it all went to Lilith hell and they were all wonky because of that.  So, kind of a lose-lose.

3. Rossum (Dollhouse)
I should also clarify something: Rossum, like Angel‘s Wolfram and Hart, is a company.  Yes.  Rossum is on this list and Wolfram and Hart isn’t because (I still don’t know all of the ways that Wolfram and Hart is heinous yet and) Rossum canonically infiltrates the government, i.e. their world’s technical ruling body.  And then they start an apocalypse and preside over that.  Starting a full-blown apocalypse so you have a sad little hill (or, you know, whole world) to be the sad little king of is one of the lowest possible things you can do.  And that’s what it basically comes down to with them.

2. The Ministry of Magic (Harry Potter)
The distrust of the Ministry is established pretty early overall, and it just gets worse and worse.  These guys are easily corruptible, they’re highly fallible, they’re highly shallow, and eventually, they get pretty malicious.  It’s a fairly convoluted issue, the Ministry (or rather the British Ministry; other countries have Ministries of Magic too, but they don’t get much discussed), so if you want, here’s the wiki page.  Half of the items on this list are Whedonverse, because there is an innate distrust of ruling groups in Whedonverse mythologies, but I think it’s interesting that overall, this distrust spans a reasonable range of fantasy/sci-fi subgenres.  Fake medieval times, technology issues, vampire issues (on both sides), magic issues, future governments.  Network TV, epic series novels, cable TV, novels for adults and novels that at least started as being for children.  It’s found in many places.

1. The Alliance (Firefly/Serenity)
These guys get to be number one because they hit every single reason that other items are on this list.  They’re an evil government, they meddle, they directly and adversely affect the lives of characters, they are the sole overarching antagonist of their canon, they have many sub-contracting evildoers involved, they don’t start an apocalypse per se but they are responsible for the creation of evil space zombies, they do start a war.  They are the essential questionable ruling body.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: in which I am somewhat of a robot regarding literary romance.

I was going to make a list tonight of romantic couples in literature that I’ve had strong emotional reactions to – not just “oh, okay, I’m good with that,” but “oh my gosh I love you guys so so much.”  It’s Valentine’s, after all, and if there’s any time to have those sorts of discussions, it’s probably now.

But then I started making the list.  And got stuck almost immediately.  I could make a list of times I mentally shrieked “no no stop it do not want” easy, I could make a list of times I went “really guys?  Are we doing this now?” easy, I could make a list of times I went “oh, okay, I’m good with that” pretty easily.  I don’t know why it is, but I have an easier time attaching to romantic couples in visual mediums, I think.  I also just don’t have an easy time attaching to romantic couples, period (this is a ridiculous statement, because I offer so many !!! about the romantic couples I do get attached to, but just know that the ones I talk about [a lot] are comparatively fewer when you consider the overall number of couples I’ve witnessed at any point – I can watch entire shows or movies without having romantic feelings about anyone, or only really having “oh, okay, I’m good with that” feelings.  Those just aren’t the ones I discuss).

This could be because some of my favorite books, while featuring romance, are mostly about friendship.

• The Perks of Being a Wallflower, definitely: while Charlie likes Sam, it’s not really the main point of the story, and while I do and always have kind of shipped Alice/Mary Elizabeth, it’s definitely not the main point and really more of a peripheral thought than an all-consuming need.  It’s mostly about these guys all being friends and what that spells out.
• How I Paid for College, well, everyone’s sort of having sexy thoughts about everyone, but mostly the point of the story is their relationships not entirely in a romantic sense?  Like that’s mostly what I’ve taken away from it.
• Special Topics in Calamity Physics, wherein yes, there is a weird vampire-family vibe amongst the Bluebloods actually, and there is that whole mess between Blue and Charles, and let’s not even talk about the Hannah dynamics, but it’s actually mostly a crazy noir murder mystery wrapped in a story about questionable friendships.

Some of the books from my childhood featured romance, and I reacted emotionally to it, but mostly because I was busy reacting emotionally to everything in the story.

• Little Women and its sequels, wherein yeah, I probably shipped Jo/Teddy as a kid (I know I didn’t like that he ended up with Amy) but it was never a devastating thing; I reacted super-emotionally to happenings between Meg and John Brooke and between Jo and Professor Bhaer (I just feel weird using his first name) but not necessarily from a purely romantic-reaction standpoint.
• Anne of Green Gables and its sequels, wherein yeah, I was comfortable with Anne/Gilbert, but it was never an all-consuming “oh my gosh I love you guys so so much.”

I’ve read plenty of other books with romance and been okay with it.  Sometimes I read books with romance and even go “I hope this works out for you.”  But it’s rarely much more than that, and whether this is because I just haven’t read those books that give me those feelings or because I just don’t often feel inclined to have them this strongly with books, this just seems to be the case.

(I’ve basically never had a proper emotional reaction to a romance in even an adaptation of a “great romance,” case in point.)

So I guess I’m just going to be spending the rest of my Valentine’s Day listening to the Light in the Piazza album, because it is the most romantic album I can think of (and also I miss back when I felt comfortable having a crush on Matthew Morrison because he was singing in Italian) and because it’s beautiful.  (I considered a “most romantic musicals in my opinion” list too, but a lot of my favorite musicals, while featuring romance, are somewhat messed up, so it would be a pretty short list too.)

(Oh, and in case you were wondering, the couples on my list were, once I stopped thinking about books from the 1800s that I read in childhood: everyone I also put on a Valentine on Tuesday [though I tend to have fewer romance feelings regarding Dany and Doreah in the books, honestly, and this is mostly because Doreah dies earlier so there’s less time for coy glances; this is also because in the books, you don’t get to see the amazing reaction faces Doreah makes in regards to people reacting to Dany] and also Tonks/Lupin, and that somewhat because my friend and I surprise-called it approximately a book in advance for no real reason and it came true.)

–your fangirl heroine.

Music Monday :: I am horrified and pleased to present 5 dubstep film and television remixes.

I am terrible and occasionally get curious as to what this would entail.  Let them talk for themselves.

5. But there are so many My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic dubsteps.
Some of them are theme remixes, some of them are remixed audio clips or putting the dubstep in where music should be, some of them are just tributes?  I like this one because it’s called “Fluttershy is a Dubstep Robot,” and you know me and robots.  I have no idea what I’m listening to, but I like it.

4. Lord of the Rings dubstep
I don’t know why any of these exist.  But they do.  And this is a valid choice.

3. “Bad Things” from True Blood
But what even is this, I don’t know.  This is completely insane.  But that’s the point of dubstep, maybe.

2. “Game of Thrones” theme
There are also a looot of these.  But I like this one because I have a nice warm fuzzy “what in the hell is going on” feeling, which I enjoy with my dubstep.  The graphics are… odd, but I like the remix.

1. “Hedwig’s Theme” from Harry Potter
I like this because it also sounds like it could be a really old video game.  Probably evidenced by the mixer being called Terabyte Frenzy.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: a play-by-play of the contenders for NPR’s best young adult novels

Young adult novels and I have a strange relationship.  Wikipedia says you’re supposed to read them from ages twelve to eighteen; I mostly read them from ages nine to fourteen, and even earlier if you count some of the novels on this list that I always thought were supposed to be children’s books instead.  I mean, there was the exception to the rule, but.  Anyway, as usual: italicized are ones I’ve read, bolded italicized are ones I’ve liked, underlined italicized are ones I’ve read for school, *asterisked* ones are ones I’ve seen the movie of.

Abhorsen trilogy by Garth Nix (I don’t actually remember finishing the trilogy, but I liked the first two well enough, I think)
Anne of Green Gablesseries by L.M. Montgomery (see what I mean about I didn’t know these were young adult novels, well, I don’t care, because I loved these books so hard)
Betsy-Tacyseries by Maud Hart Lovelace (again, didn’t realize these were young adult, but heart heart heart)
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon (and I thought this was just a regular adult novel, but hey)
Gemma Doyle trilogy by Libba Bray (I mean, I enjoyed them in a not-supposed-to-enjoy-them-this-way way, but still)
*Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling
The Hobbitby J.R.R. Tolkien (yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s not in bold because of reading it for school, and I know I should try again)
The House on Mango Streetby Sandra Cisneros (I think I’ve mentioned before how I read this in fifth grade and it maybe wasn’t fifth-grader appropriate but hey)
How I Live Nowby Meg Rosoff (I don’t remember it that well, but I remember liking it well enough.  It was about an apocalypse, which I dug, and sooort of incest, which I didn’t dig, but it wasn’t bad)
*The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins
*I Capture the Castleby Dodie Smith (also didn’t know this one counted, but it makes sense.  And holy bejeesus, seriously, Cassandra Mortmain is fantastic and I love about 90% of this book deeply)
*It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini (I… shamefully did not register this was a book until right now, but I liked the movie with Keir Gilchrist, it was good)
Looking for Alaskaby John Green
*The Lord of the Rings series by J.R.R. Tolkien
*Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan
*The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
*The Princess Diaries series by Meg Cabot (I mean, I liked them when I was twelve, and I only ever read through the third one, so I don’t know, but they were fun at that age)
*The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series by Ann Brashares (ditto the above.  Liked then, didn’t read past three or see past two, but hey)
Speakby Laurie Halse Anderson
Stargirlby Jerry Spinelli
*To Kill a Mockingbirdby Harper Lee
*Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer
22 of 235 somehow exposed to.  20 of 235 actually read.  15 of 235 enjoyed.

See, I am remiss in my YA books.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: a play-by-play of the ALA’s top 100 banned/challenged books of the 2000s

I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom to read lately, so this naturally came up.  Italics represent ones I’ve read, bolded italicized are ones I’ve liked, underlined italicized are ones I’ve read for school, *asterisked* ones are ones I’ve seen the movie of.

*Harry Potter* by J.K. Rowling (obviously yes 1000x I love)
*His Dark Materials* series by Phillip Pullman (well, I saw The Golden Compass?)
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (as evidenced by every mention of it I ever make, this book owned my heart)
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
*The Color Purple* by Alice Walker (I, uhm, saw the stage musical?)
*To Kill a Mockingbird* by Harper Lee
Beloved by Toni Morrison
My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier
*Bridge to Terabithia* by Katherine Paterson
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
*One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest* by Ken Kesey
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood (holy crap holy crap I love this book I love Margaret Atwood so much)
Friday Night Lights by H.G. Bissinger
17 out of 100 read.  7 out of 100 sincerely enjoyed.  9 out of 100 read for school.

Actually, I’m surprised I haven’t read more.

–your fangirl heroine.

Sundry Sunday :: my urban dictionary: induced emotional hyperventilation

As briefly detailed way back here.

Def.: that thing where you’re watching/reading/hearing something sad and your eyes aren’t producing tears, but you’re wrinkling your nose, furrowing your brows, having a hard time breathing, shaking and whimpering and basically imitating every action associated with crying except for those tears. Because even those of us who can’t cry get overwrought.

Usage: 1) See the reference.  2) Induced emotional hyperventilation is a strange phenomenon that I have only witnessed myself partaking in, but is a very real thing; for me, plowing through the last three Harry Potter movies in what amounts to one sitting is a good way to get some induced emotional hyperventilation going.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: a play-by-play of just how functional the romances in 10 of the 100+ books to read before you die are

Interrupting my grand analyze every 100 books to read before you die list series to discuss some of literature’s most famed, idealized romances and just how functional they would be.  People always say that television gives us unrealistic expectations for… something.  I don’t deny this.  But I’m pretty sure that literature could be just as guilty.  It’s just sometimes better-written, older, and not interrupted by commercial breaks, so people don’t always think about it.

I mean.  Books and I, we’re buddies.  We’re close friends.  But TV doesn’t have to suck, right?  And graphic novels and comic books don’t have to suck either.  And neither do films.  And… yeah.

So.

10. Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
Uhm, hell no.  Scarlett and Rhett are one of the great romances of literature (and cinema) and they… are really, really not functional.  When the most memorable thing that one partner said to the other is “I don’t give a damn,” I don’t see how it could be anything but dysfunctional.

9. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Again, hell no.  The great romances of this book are built around creeping, adultery, and the idle rich.  And Gatsby dies.  There is no function in their romance.

8. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
Again,, adultery, divorce, sexual liberation that’s really just treating other people like crap.  And the idle rich.  The literary idle rich never have satisfactory romances.

7. Harry Potter by J. K. Rowling
Oh look!  I wouldn’t say that every relationship in these books is super-functional.  No.  And I’m skeptical that every single pair of Harry’s Hogwarts classmates who married and popped out kids at the exact same time is still in love howevermany years later and still functional.  But then there’s Molly and Arthur, Tonks and Lupin, Bill and Fleur, things like that.  It’s hit-or-miss, but at least not a total miss, right?

6. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
This… is a strange one.  Meg and John Brooke, yes.  Always forever and then he dies and it’s sad.  Marmee and Father, yes.  Even if it’s one of those “this book was written back when most parents that were decent human beings had stable relationships so there” cases.  Jo and the professor, ye-eesss?  I mean, I six-year-old shipped Jo and Teddy like mad, and I don’t believe for a minute, incidentally, that Teddy and Amy’s marriage is an entirely stable one, but I think in their way Jo and Bhaer had something good.

5. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
HA.

4. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The title… kind of sets you up for a whole bunch of not-entirely-stable people living not-entirely-stable lives.  It’s very interesting, but way not romantic.

3. Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery
I also six-year-old shipped Anne and Gilbert, forever, and the fact that they probably still get into silly fights just means that silly fights won’t ruin their relationship because they love each other.

2. Hamlet by William Shakespeare
Really, any Shakespeare play is amazingly dysfunctional.  Even the comedies.  Even the romances for crying out loud.  The Winter’s Tale?  Have mercy.  Hamlet is one of the two kings-and-queens of dysfunction plays, though.  I mean.  Gertrude + anyone is a disaster.  Hamlet + Ophelia is a hideous mess.  Even if I have this weird soft spot for Ophelia’s crazyassedness.  (I read this book that was retelling it from her point of view, and she faked her crazy and her death and ran away, and eventually hooked up with Horatio.  That was better.)

1. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Yetagain, HA.

–your fangirl heroine.