Because across the plaza from HBO Disneyland would have to be something equally as awesome. (I figure once they open up Grown Up Disney World, it will be more genre-sorted than type-sorted, and there will be things from more films, as well as television shows off of FX and AMC and Showtime and the like. So like, vampire canons will be near each other, zombie canons will be near each other, superhero canons will be near each other, space canons will be near each other, etcetera. But the two-park setup, well.) I admit that Whedon Adventures is actually a lot less intuitive than HBO Disneyland; HBO Disneyland has much stricter analogues all around, rather. I’m sure you could come up with a ton of epic attractions for Whedon Adventures, which I will speculate on in a moment, but they don’t correspond as strictly to the original park map.
- Putting Angel in the Hollywood Land was actually the easiest of the choices. If you’re just going by “oh look, this canon is in Los Angeles,” it’s a tossup between Angel and Dollhouse, but Hollywood Land does have, IRL, the Hyperion Theater. This is where you go to see Aladdin the stage musical IRL; I assume it’d go meta and repeatedly show Dr. Horrible and “Once More With Feeling,” possibly with live actors, but I figure it gives Angel dibsies on this area because of the Hyperion Hotel. Close enough, theater/hotel. Also, the Tower of Terror would barely need to be changed. That is the stuff Angel canon is made of, basically.
- Dollhouse thusly gets tossed over in what is Condor Flats; basically, this area is a store, a cafeteria, some scenery, and Soarin’ Over California, but hey, that’s a ride where you sit in a flying chair and it takes you through a journey with pictures and sounds and smells. Revamp that and up the creep factor, and it could be appropriately Dollhousey.
- Grizzly Peak is the most “country” of the areas (because Cars Land and its hillbilly thing is not the kind of country I mean), so it gets to house Firefly. Because despite the fact that the only thing Firefly has to do with water is that, you know, River is a character’s name, it still seems the best suited to host a rapids ride of all the Whedon canons. Oh, and I guess there’s that scene in “Our Mrs. Reynolds” where they’re in a wagon and Mal swears by his pretty floral bonnet that he’ll end a fellow. They splash about in that scene pretty well, yeah? Also there’s a nature trail, and just toss in a few space gangster gun fights and that’s golden.
- Okay, remember how I said the analogues made no sense at all, well that’s why Cabin is where A Bug’s Land lives. A Bug’s Land has the annoying 3D movie, you could whip out some way scarier monster thing for that. There are also a bunch of dinky rides, but while A Bug’s Land is kind of the little-kid friendly part of a kiddie amusement park, I think that the Cabin-hosting Woods could be the most extreme part of an already extreme grown-up amusement park: like the most messed up (but preferably not all super-jerky) of little rides could live there and freak people out and it would be delightfully messed up.
- Pacific Wharf is basically just restaurants and a walk-through, but whatever. Cast members dressed as Dr. Horrible and Captain Hammer running around singing and a frozen yogurt place would probably be sufficient to make it Dr. Horribley.
- Paradise Pier has the most attractions, which is why Buffy, which is the most extensive canon, gets to live there. Buffy probably gets the roller coaster, theme-wise; Faith could maybe have the smaller, jerkier, less-lauded coaster in the corner. And it would be way more intense here than it is at the actual park, of course. The 3D shooting ride, well, that goes without saying. Use the little pulley-thing to shoot stakes at vampires. Ariel’s Undersea Adventure could be, like, a ridethrough tour of a demonology book. The other midway rides could get divvied out appropriately amongst other characters. It would work.
- And finally, the newest part of the park, Cars Land, gets to be Avengers Land. Complete with (and no I don’t know how you’d rig it up) an “aw snap, jumpin’ on Chitauri skycycle things to fight some evil” ride, as well as some decidedly less lame smaller rides (preferably every Avenger would get one and also there one generally for S.H.I.E.L.D personnel, and I realize that means more small rides than IRL, but hey go with it) and a predictable little shawarma joint.
–your fangirl heroine.