Monster Monday :: 11 brief and highly cracky imaginings of fictional characters as vampires.

If, you know, we’re doing a lot of drugs and inventing the most messed-up crossover fiction of all time or something.  AKA, this list is essentially terrible fanfiction, and I know that.   But it stems from that AU meme that was floating around tumblr ages ago, and thoughts I had then, and when I have these offhand thoughts, they sometimes become lists, and… well.  As always, I’m just imagining them along the lines of Buffy or True Blood vampires, because that’s what I know best, but I’m not trying to insert them into those canons, just in the style of, and I do apologize again for the ridiculous.  I just think that we’re possibly overdue for some crack.  Or… something.

11. Basically anyone from Game of Thrones
I’m imagining this like a fantasy realm True Blood, essentially.  The same sorts of King/Queen powerplays and all that, and still a lot of bloody decapitation and stuff.  I don’t know if it would actually be that different of a story.  The various gruesome killings would just be different in nature.  Cersei (Lena Headey) and Jaime (Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) could have an even more messed-up dynamic.  Dany (Emilia Clarke) would be from a non-vampire family and marry into vampirism.  And get really good at it, in her way, because she is a badass.  Sansa (Sophie Turner) could do some things that would be awesome, even if I don’t know what they would be.  Yes.

10. …or anyone from Boardwalk Empire
Margaret (Kelly Macdonald) resists letting Nucky (Steve Buscemi) turn her for a while, but then she gives in.  Every gangster is always a vampire.  They deal in blood instead of liquor.  Or they deal in liquor anyway and laugh at all the humans.  Again, sort of like True Blood.

OH MY GOSH I don’t know how it happened that I typed this entire post out, and all of it disappeared but the first two number points, and I’m just now realizing this.  Formatting, what.  Embarrassment, quick fixing.  Apologizing for this ridiculous, but not nearly as much as in draft one.  So.

9. …or anyone from Deadwood
Not everyone, but a lot of them.  Al (Ian McShane) and Cy (Powers Boothe) would be vampire pimps.  Jane (Robin Weigert) would be human, but Joanie (Kim Dickens) would be a vampire, so it would be awkward in that “Joanie is kind of an old-timey whore lady!Angel sometimes” way.  Sol (John Hawkes) would be human, but Trixie (Paula Malcomson) would be a vampire, so it would be awkward in that “Trixie could totally be an old-timey whore lady!Spike sometimes” way.  Seth (Timothy Olyphant) could be the neighborhood werewolf.

8, 7. Betty and Don Draper (January Jones and Jon Hamm, Mad Men)
Don would be sired in the war or something, and he would sire Betty out of loneliness.  Theirs would be a relationship of awkward, but they’d think it would work, and their vampire-marriage would go on a while before crash-landing.  It would be like canon, but without children and with vampirism.

6. Babydoll (Emily Browning, Sucker Punch)
And then the High Roller would ACTUALLY BE DON DRAPER, and would go to the brothel (this is ignoring the first level of reality altogether) and while he and Baby were having their consensual deleted scene sex, he’d consensually turn her.  And then she’d contemplate getting revenge on everyone who’d wronged her, but she’d eventually decide just to spend a while protecting Sweet Pea (Abbie Cornish) from things that go bump in the night.  At a distance.  Going from lady!Spike to lady!Angel.

5, 4. Envy Adams and Gideon Graves (Brie Larson and Jason Schwartzman, Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World)
It would be like that terrible movie Suck, except instead of all being vampires, the members of the Clash at Demonhead would all be different supernatural things.  Envy would let Gideon sire her.  Todd (Brandon Routh) would just be his crazed vegan self.  Lynette the drummer (Tennessee Thomas) would be a werewolf or something.  They would try to be famous and hip.  Gideon would want to sire Ramona (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), though, and that would not go over well with her.

3. YoSaffBridge (Christina Hendricks, Firefly)
Three reasons: psychopaths make the best vampires, she would be amazing with the gift of thrall, and this.  Because…

2, 1. Alpha and Whiskey (Alan Tudyk and Amy Acker, Dollhouse)
Which is here.  Alpha/Whiskey is this twisted, terrible-for-all-involved, sadistic doom kind of ship, but I think it could work in a weird-ass vampire context where out of desperation, Alpha printed Crystal back into Whiskey (with a few modifications, probably) and then sired her.  They could go on crazy adventures.  They could team up with vampire YoSaffBridge and be like a vampiric Joker+Harley+Ivy team, but minus the obvious abuses and the Harley/Ivy undertones.  It could be demented and bloody and kind of neat.

So yes.

–your fangirl heroine.

Spectacular Summaries Saturday :: top 10 gifts 2011 gave me

Unlike last year, where I was just getting started, all of these have been previously mentioned.  Some in the round-ups earlier this week.  So I’m linking to everything.  I’d originally started this blog as an experiment, a 365 blog, post something every day, but it’s become enough a part of me that I think it’s just… going to have to become a 730 blog, or something like that.  You’re stuck with me, world.

10. Sucker Punch
As evidenced by last night’s tl;dr.  I severely, severely adore this movie in all of its wtf-ery and stylized awesome. I love Jon Hamm’s random appearances.  I love Emily Browning’s giant eyes all over the place.  I love Jena Malone (well, that’s an always, but still).  I love that I arbitrarily decided that I was Amber (Jamie Chung), emotionally, at the film’s beginning, and by the end she’d racked up more of my “I’m this in fiction” B’s.  I love the killer soundtrack.  I love the steampunk Prussian zombie soldiers and the giant fighting bunny robot.  Etcetera, etcetera.

9. Portlandia
I’m not biased ’cause it’s, regionally speaking, one of “my places.”  I’m not biased because as much as I love the city, I also love making fun of it.  I just love this damn show.  It’s so ridiculous and yet so true and perfect and hilarious.  And I can’t wait for the next season (so soon!) because it will be just more amazing.

8. The King Is Dead, the Decemberists
I don’t know if I really have words for how deeply I love this damn album.

7. True Blood season 4
As if it weren’t obvious that this would be on here.  Especially given the almost-solid week of True Blood posts there.  I started the show before I read the books, so my loyalties did just sort of follow the show a bit more strongly; most of the changes that were made were made for good, in my opinion, and I enjoy most of them.  Some of them (Eric [Alexander Skarsgard] and Pam’s [Kristin Bauer van Straten] vampire breakup) make me cry inside, but some of them (Jessica [Deborah Ann Woll] existing) make me really happy.  It’s a give and take, but even though it’s gotten to the point where the only thing the books and show have in common are the character’s names and (usually) species, I enjoy it.

6. my first Comicon
I know that Comicons happen every year, in multiple locations and at multiple times, but 2011 marks my first time braving those waters.  I thought it would be scary and intimidating.  It wound up being the most friendly, amazing, perfect day of ever.  So there’s that.

5. Game of Thrones
If I haven’t also made this abundantly clear, I think Game of Thrones is brilliant.  I know the books date as far back as 1996, but I didn’t know about them.  And because of the show, I picked up the book, and the book is brilliant too.  But — I just fell in love with the show.  It’s a world of epic fantasy, and apparently one that’s very pseudo-period accurate, which is good.  It’s a world of epic characters. Of men who kick ass (oh Jon [Kit Harrington], rest in peace Ned [Sean Bean]) and women who kick just as much ass (among them Daenerys [Emilia Clarke] and Arya [Maisie Williams]; in her own evil way, Cersei [Lena Headey] has kicked some ass in a way, too).  It’s a world of epic epic.  I say again, BABY DRAGONS.  April 2012, baby.

4. The Civil Wars
Not just their album Barton Hollow.  Them as a whole.  They were introduced to me, and I’ve since been given so many live recordings and found so many single songs and listened to everything obsessively.  They’re too beautiful.

3. Dollhouse comics
The ends of anything in the Whedonverse have made my heart ache, and keep on doing so every time I rewatch.  (Which is admittedly a lot.)  But the end of Dollhouse hurt in a special way, because it’s the only one I’ve experienced in real time.  So the also real time arrival of Dollhouse comics in my life was very, very welcome.  I feel like if I was characterizing my July-to-November time, saying “that time that I was waiting with baited breath for the next Dollhouse comic” wouldn’t be an exaggeration.  They’re brilliant comics, in basically every way, and I adore them.  Did they help answer questions about the overarching continuity of the series?  Not really.  But they answered a lot of little character questions, especially about Alpha and the actuals.  And I do love the actuals.  It didn’t close up the hole in my heart, but it was a very satisfying bandaid.

2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
Part 1 was before, and I loved it dearly, but again I point out that Part 2 actually made me cry.  It’s a chapter of my life closing, but like the Comicon chapter opened this year, this one closed this year, so it’s noteworthy.  Also noteworthy, because I finally pulled a proper Ravenclaw outfit out of thin air for this last premiere like a boss.

1. The Valley, Eisley
And my first time seeing these kids in concert, that too.  I just can’t think of a way to express how brilliant I find them, I really can’t.  Theirs are really the only music videos I watch, with the exception of the one to “Remains” of course, and that too is lovely.  I just.  They’re so perfect and amazing and weird and different and not quite like anyone else.

–your fangirl heroine.

Film Friday :: 2011 in film (5 opinions, 3 predictable favorites, 3 adorable [pairs of] people, 3 awesome cameos, 2 kickass people)

Opinions
5. Christina Hendricks’ talents were wasted in Drive.
I still… don’t really know how I felt about this movie.  Apparently, the processing process is still in effect.  But I do know that my baby could have been given a lot more to do.  She is so capable of so so much.

4. Ian McShane’s talents were wasted in Pirates.
I mean, he was the best thing in the movie, by a long shot, but they still didn’t know what to do with him and his awesome.  Yeah.

3. Elle Fanning > Dakota Fanning.
I’m sure Dakota is a sweet girl.  I just… I don’t know, she was the only young girl in movies for a while, so it was annoying.  Overexposure.  Elle just strikes me as more genuine and likable.  I legitimately enjoyed her turn in Super 8.

2. I’m still a cynical bitch about romantic comedies.
Even the ones that I can logically say that I liked more than the rest, I don’t feel compelled to ever see again.  Crazy, Stupid, Love.: it was cute, and until the end, it didn’t suck, but just… no.  Once was enough.

1. Haters of Sucker Punch to the left.
I mean, I get why people don’t groove on it.  Like I get why people don’t groove on Repo or something.  But… see, the thing is, I actually don’t think it’s just some fetishy fanboy wet dream.  Yes, they’re young women kicking people’s asses. Yes, they’re doing so in a lot of tight, short clothing.  No, Lisa Schwartzbaum of Entertainment Weekly, they are not “psycho sluts.”  In the first reality, yes, it’s a mental hospital.  But that doesn’t automatically mean psycho.  They don’t really go around killing people for fun, they’re just setting themselves free.  And save the deleted scene between the High Roller (Jon Hamm) and Babydoll (Emily Browning), you don’t see any of them actually partaking in sexual behavior except dancing and that time that Rocket (Jena Malone) almost gets raped and Amber (Jamie Chung) sitting on that guy’s lap.  So, uhm… sluts?  How?  It’s not bad to partake in sexual behavior, far from, but it’s not really cool to judge someone in that fashion, or judge a movie in that fashion.  It’s a chicks-kicking-ass movie, and it’s stylized, and it’s weird, and… yeah, I get why it’s not for everyone.  But I have developed a strange protectiveness over it.

Predictable favorites
3. Hugo
Gorramit, this movie was adorable.  I do tend to like love letters to filmmaking, and I love period pieces, and it was stylistic, and there was a steampunk robot and Chloe Moretz.  A recipe for win.

2. X-Men: First Class
I’ve always liked the franchise, completely innocent to knowledge of the comics but.  And I always like the 1960s.  And I usually like, you know, most of the cast.  So it was just going to be a recipe for win.  Everyone liked it, but I just have to say that yes, I liked it too.  Loved it.

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
There was never any question about if I’d like this movie or not.  I mean, there are things I still wish were there, but… it made me cry.  Nothing makes me cry.  That’s magic in and of itself. 

Adorable (pairs of) people
3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Anna Kendrick (50/50)
Predictable, maybe (especially because I like both of them: Anna Kendrick is one of the only forgivable things about Twilight, Joseph Gord0n-Levitt is unquestionably endearing).  But true.

2. Amy Adams (The Muppets)
Again, true.

1. Kat Dennings (Thor)
Yeah, I get it.  Darcy was a brat, a little.  But she was just a damn precious brat.  With precious glasses.  And honestly, her reactions to all of the superhero stuff seemed silly because that’s not how a lot of people in movies act, but it’s how a lot of real people would probably act. 

Awesome cameos
3. Jon Hamm (Sucker Punch)
Because if you watch the deleted scene with the High Roller, it’s… kind of completely different than how it seemed in the theatrical release.  Baby’s just like… “oh okay, I guess I’ll have this intimate time with you now,” and it’s consensual, and it’s good.  It makes sense why the doctor then says that when he was lobotomizing her, it’s almost like she wanted him to do it.  And Jon Hamm is just… all kinds of good.

2. Jim Parsons (The Muppets)
Spoiler alert, finally.  I don’t think there could have been a better humanized nerdy Muppet man than Jim Parsons.

1. Nathan Fillion (Super)
Nathan Fillion anywhere would have been brilliant, but Nathan Fillion in a terrible wig and a cheap-ass super-suit?  In what just may have been the most effed-up movie of the year?  Priceless.

Kickass people
2. Matthew Lewis (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2)
Neville my darling.  My badass darling.  Coming into his own, being so heroic and amazing.

1. Hayley Atwell (Captain America)
Peggy Carter my darling.  Being so efficient, so adorable, kicking ass and taking names and everything.  She is perfection.

So yeah.  Brief synopses and one giant, giant, 24% of the overall post word-wise tl;dr.

–your fangirl heroine.

Sundry Sunday :: my urban dictionary: hyperreal(ity)(ism)

Def.: A cinematic state defined by a fairly real-life scene and characters, but over-saturated, selectively saturated, intentionally desaturated, sharp, soft, and/or otherwise somehow “more than” just regular filming.  The film does not have to be fantastical itself, though there is often a storytelling “more than” involved as well.  Interestingly, it is rarely a full-on fantasy film that uses hyperrealism; it’s the stories that are real life except for one or two things that often use it.  Sometimes, it’s found in flashback or dream sequences; other times, it’s used to show the difference between one world and another.  Hyperreality is often so real it’s not real.

Usage: Hyperreality can look like this:

Repo! The Genetic Opera, 2008 (Terrance Zdunich) – an interesting cross of over-saturation, desaturation, sharpening, and softening.

Dollhouse, “The Target,” 2009 (Amy Acker, Harry Lennix, Olivia Williams) – used in a flashback context.  Interestingly, later episodes chose to show flashbacks in different ways (“Getting Closer,” for example, desaturated somewhat, then lightly screened cyan over the frame) but this way remains my favorite.

Sucker Punch, 2011 (Emily Browning) – here using sharpening/softening and intentional desaturation.  Though the “real world” of this film was less so, the different subrealities were all, to an extent, hyperreal, allowing for their dreamlike qualities.

Hugo, 2011 (Asa Butterfield) – over-saturation, especially of yellows (as above) and blues (other places in the film), as well as sharpening/softening and a glow effect.

–your fangirl heroine.

Sundry Sunday :: and to round it out, 6 actors and actresses with gorgeous green (or hazel) eyes!

(I have enough to split it into multiple posts, but I feel like I should draw the fun out.)

6. Maggie Siff

Using this Mad Men photo ’cause it highlights her beautiful eyes so nicely.  In a way, green eyes are the most subtle: they’re not immediately piercing like blue, or smoldery and dark like brown, but they’re soft and subtle and so striking when you look closely and Maggie’s are a perfect example.

5. Emma Stone

Emma’s eyes are that green that’s so light that at first you think it might be blue, or blue-ish, but then you look closer and go… oh, they’re green, and gorgeous.  Yep.

4. Timothy Olyphant

I’d actually been thinking I’d include him on the brown eyes list for a while, but then I took a closer look: they’re really more hazel.  There’s some green in there for sure.  And being in possession of hazel eyes myself, I applaud this.  Also, I like having a reason to stare at his face like a creeper fangirl.

3. Emily Browning

Emily Browning’s eyes were practically their own character in Sucker Punch, hence my including a picture from the film instead of a real-life photo of her (there were plenty that were striking, but).  I swear I won’t turn this into an opportunity to once again defend the hell out of that film (which I could) but — damn, baby/Baby.  Those are some mind-numbingly pretty eyes.

2. Jewel Staite

(Excuse for that picture to be used?  What?  Of course not.)  Jewel’s eyes are sometimes of a decidedly darker green, almost hazel, but that’s the fun of green eyes.  Differing shades!  And they’re still beautiful.

1. Patrick Fugit

Oh, hello, my longest-term mancrush ever.  (I sort of love that my three longest-term crushes each represent a different eye color group and have topped all of these lists.)  Really, it isn’t fair for someone to have such lovely piercing warm beautiful tenotheradjectives eyes.

–your fangirl heroine

Fictional Friday :: 10 (sometimes groups of) fictional whores!

Or sex workers.  Or Companions.  Or whatever.  If money is given for sexual activities, it’s fair game.  I sort of adore fictional whores, as I often end up being one (explained right down there).  I’m not just saying it as a derogatory slam against promiscuous women.  Go be promiscuous if that’s your thing.  No, this is my compendium of actual paid fictional sex workers, ’cause I’ve already done lady badasses and why not.

10.  Every time I am in the chorus of anything.
Well, okay, two out of three times that I did musicals back in school.  But even in Birdie I was the worldly Bohemian beatnik promiscuous one with boobs.  So it’s close enough.  Back in the day, I was often used for the “chorus whore,” as I fondly came to put it; I was one of the hallucinated dance hall girls in Oklahoma! and the kitchen wench in Once Upon a Mattress.  To this day, I am convinced that I am always put as that because I am often one of the only women in the cast (well, it was junior high and high school) with breasts.

9. The girls of Sucker Punch (Emily Browning as Babydoll, Abbie Cornish as Sweet Pea, Jena Malone as Rocket, Vanessa Hudgens as Blondie, and Jamie Chung as Amber) in the first level of hallucinations
I clarify ’cause in reality, they were all in a mental hospital.  But in one of the alternate universes, they all worked in a swanky brothel that involved rhinestone-y dance numbers.  (A good way to tell which of the girls you “are” is to examine each of their costumes in “Love is the Drug” on the extended disc.  I’m of course Amber, as a French maid.  Incidentally also the only one we see partaking in whoring.)  So they totally count.  And they were damn sexy, too.

8. Lynn Bracken (Kim Basinger, LA Confidential)
A very seemingly classy sex worker, but a sex worker nonetheless.  Lynn was just a girl from Arizona who looked like Veronica Lake and ta-dah!  Pierce Patchett was running her as a lookalike prostitute out of a pretty decent little house of her very own.

7. All of the Dolls (Eliza Dushku as Echo, Dichen Lachman as Sierra, Enver Gjokaj as Victor, Miracle Laurie as November, Amy Acker as Whiskey, etc., Dollhouse)
Dolls do non-sex things.  They hostage negotiate and fangirl and scientifically research and train horses and spy on their neighbors.  But it’s… well, it’s kind of a sex thing a lot.  And with so many different sex things, it’s worthy of note.  I mean, Echo alone goes through the gamut of every fantasy ever, almost.  Victor’s whole engagement as a swain for “Ms. Lonelyhearts” and that messed up business of Sierra and Nolan Kennard and November as Mellie bless her heart.  Well.  It’s definitely not always the good side of sex.  But it’s there nonetheless, and well-written even when it’s messed up.

6. Satine (Nicole Kidman) and the other women of Moulin Rouge
Like the Sucker Punch girls (or, I suppose, they like her) Satine’s a dancing whore.  A singing one, too.  And dammit, all she really wants to do is be an actress.  (Even if the play they put on has her playing a whore.  A courtesan.  So it’s not much of an act.)  She’s the Sparkling Diamond, gorgeous in a corset and doing the ginger thing beautifully.  And the other whores are wackily theme-y, which makes for the fun.  There’s the requisite French maid, there’s actually one the credits list as Babydoll, there’s one dressed like a Les Mis girl, there’s a harlequin, there’s one with a lot of tattoos, there’s one for everyone.  (And their costumes are gorgeous.)

5. Trixie (Paula Malcomson) and the Gem Saloon girls (Deadwood)
The Gem Saloon is the… less classy whorehouse in the town of Deadwood, but they’re real.  They’ve got a whole variety of things, but at the beginning, there’s Trixie.  Trixie’s not gonna take anyone’s crap, and she’s Al’s right-hand girl in a way.  She’s a lady that’s not gonna let anyone walk all over her, and that’s awesome.

4.  Joanie Stubbs (Kim Dickens) and the Bella Union girls (Deadwood)
The Bella Union is the classier whorehouse in Deadwood, and Joanie is a classy dame.  She’s less a whore and more a madam, nowadays, but she’s been with Cy for years, and she’s sort of his right-hand woman at first.  Her own opening-a-whorehouse endeavor doesn’t go so well thanks to some icky betrayal and murder, but she’s strong and epic too.  That’s the important thing, I think, in a fictional whore.  I don’t think any of the fictional whores on this list actually abide by being treated like crap; either they get the hell out or they try to get the hell out or they try to reform the organization or they just kick major ass.  Joanie sort of gets the hell out and sort of tries to reform the organization.

3. Nandi (Melinda Clarke) and her people at the Heart of Gold (Firefly)
Because, remember, she’s got boy whores, too.  Nandi once was a Companion, but she’s made it her mission to head out to the Rim and run a plain old whorehouse in that still-respectful-of-her-workers way.  She’s willing to die for this belief.  And that makes Nandi a badass madam, too.

2. Inara Serra (Morena Baccarin, Firefly)
Inara’s still a Companion, though, and that means she’s somewhere between a courtesan and a geisha.  It’s not just sex, it’s romantic entwining and conversation and art and skill and beauty.  It’s sort of neat.  I mean, it’s not a perfect system.  But getting to choose your own clients definitely makes it slightly less sucky.  And like many of the women on this list, I envy her wardrobe.

1. The Old Town Girls (Rosario Dawson as Gail, Jaime King as Wendy/Goldie, Devon Aoki as Miho, Alexis Bledel as Becky, etc., Sin City)
They top this list because they are the most badass of badass whores.  We don’t see any of them but Goldie really actually whoring, but they’re definitely whores.  They’re unashamed of their sexuality, and they use it as a weapon almost as much as they use actual weapons.  They aren’t gonna let anyone treat them like crap either, and if someone does?  Well, they’re getting very dead.

–your fangirl heroine.

Spoiler Alert Saturday :: my thoughts on Sucker Punch

Can be summed up in three words: extra super epic.

But because I am me, I will of course go into more detail too.  I first discovered Sucker Punch while imdb’ing Jon Hamm (I know, I know) and then watched the trailer online and went WHOOOOOA.  As the release date drew nearer, I was asked by almost all of my close friends if I’d heard about it or seen the trailer and yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This is exactly my kind of movie, and it’s really flattering that everyone I’ve met ever seemed to realize this fact and make sure I knew.  Either that or it’s alarming how predictable I am, but just last night I was saying how chicks in corsets kicking people’s asses rock hard, and I stand by this fact.

I’ve been told I can’t spoil the movie in actual spoiler ways, so now I present a list of things that are nonspoilery that I loved:

• Jena Malone, period.  Then again?  I always love her.
• The ridiculous amount of close-ups on the actresses (especially Emily Browning’s) eyes all mascara’d and stuff.
• Jon Hamm wearing glasses.
• Steampunk zombie German soldiers.
• A giant steampunk zombie soldier-killing robot with a pink bunny on it.
• The soundtrack.  Made of win.  Emiliana Torrani doing “White Rabbit”?  Uhm, yes, please.
• Many pretty explosions.
• The song/dance run over the credits.
• All of the costumes, especially Jena Malone’s boots and Jamie Chung’s corset/tutu with sequins.
• The cinematography/graphics.
• The epic that is large-scale ass-kicking done by women.

I could go on, but I’d risk proper spoilers, so.

–your fangirl heroine.