I won’t be including anything too obvious here (Bella Swan, anyone?) as that’s not particularly sporting or interesting. But I’ve got this theory that if you could punch people in the face who really did deserve it without there being any real consequences, the world might be a less annoying place. This isn’t about punching people who just deserve it because they’re evil and need to be beat up or something. Nor do I… actually intend on punching anyone in the face, ever, unless it’s in self defense or something I guess? No, these people are just sort of annoying and insufferable.
10. Celia Hodes (Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds)
Well, she’s sort of an evil bitch, but not in too serious of a way. More she’s just really conniving and a terrible wife, mother, lover, friend, local official, pretty much a terrible person. And no amount of bad that goes on in her life seems to really change that. I’m sort of sad that the most recent season just sort of dropped her and Isabelle, mostly because I rather fancied the idea of Isabelle being totally the brains of their newly founded operation (maybe that’s one of the reasons Celia is on this list. I just really adored Isabelle, and anyone who was as bitchy to their adorable funny daughter as Celia was deserves a good punching).
9. Ismene (Antigone)
Yeeeep. Although I’ve mentioned before the various reasons that I despise her, it needs said again, because, well, she’s a terrible role model. And I hate her for that. Deeply. She’s just… wussy. And submissive. And far too involved in molding herself to someone else’s idea of what’s socially acceptable. Not cool.
8. Lucy Danziger (Paz de la Huerta, Boardwalk Empire)
Sweet God, this woman is frustrating. I’ve never seen her in anything else, but (and I’m assuming they wanted Lucy to be an obnoxious twit) she plays annoying really, really well. From her obnoxious pouty lips to that infuriating Kewpie-doll voice she puts on, man. The a-hem scene between her and Van Alden (Michael Shannon) may be the squickiest thing I’ve ever seen, and that includes the time we accidentally left Cinemax on when we left the house and came back to a-hem surrounded by woodland critters and unicorns and things when I was thirteen. We didn’t take the time to learn her name for several episodes, and for a while just referred to her as “Nucky’s bitch.” It’s pretty fitting.
7. Rachel Berry (Lea Michele, Glee)
Lea Michele as a performer is beautiful and talented (sort of chart-topping in both of those categories, really). But Rachel? Well, I honestly think a good socking in the face would do her a world of good. For one thing, she’s exceptionally naive about the way people actually relate to each other on a human level. For another, she’s spectacularly mean to, well, to mostly everyone, especially the people she really should try to be nice to. For another, she’s a total spotlight hog and the other girls really do need to get more solos, period. She isn’t the best thing since sliced bread. She’s got a sickly amazing voice, but that does not really a good person make.
6. …kind of a lot of Shakespearean heroines
Not all of them, mind you. Some of them are thrilling female characters. More of them can become such if played properly. But some of them? Well, let’s take Isabela in Measure for Measure. (Yes, I saw this play tonight.) Baby girl really, really needs to just get her head out of the holy clouds and learn a thing about the world. She’s too naive to apparently recognize a man as being the same man she’s just conspired with and hugged and things just because before he was wearing glasses and a bald wig. And I’m all for having principles, but I’m pretty sure that God would forgive her if she just went ahead and did it to save her brother, then repented immediately. It isn’t like she’d taken her nun vows yet. Olivia in Twelfth Night? Is sort of a whiny emo beeyatch at first, then all frustratingly lovesick and apparently incapable of recognizing a woman when she sees one. Helena in Midsummer? I generally like her, but she needs to know that boys aren’t the end-all be-all. Actually, most of them need to learn that particular lesson. And until they do? Punching should really take place.
5. Nini Legs-in-the-Air (Caroline O’Connor, Moulin Rouge)
That is really how her name’s listed in the credits, at least on imdb, I’m not even kidding. For those of you who didn’t compulsively attempt to memorize the names of the various whores in Moulin Rouge, she’s the main one that isn’t Satine, the dark-haired one who dances a lot and is a spectacular bitch always. She, too, is evil. She, too, just would be better off never opening her mouth because she ruins everything with one sentence.
4. Dawn Summers (Michelle Trachtenberg, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
I can’t say for season seven or comic-canon Dawn, as I’m kind of not there yet. But at least baby Dawn, season five Dawn and… well, I’ve seen five episodes of season six so far, but those too… well, maybe a slapping, not a punching. She’s just impossibly whiny, she rarely thinks logically, and I sort of understand that season five is about rescuing her, but she needs rescued from the dumbest things sometimes. I don’t know. Seasons 1-3 it was Cordelia. Season 4 it was… well, not really anyone, exactly. It was kind of always Joyce secondarily. But by season 5, it was Dawn who played damsel in distress. And she didn’t even really have the grace to do it with a hint of bitchy snark or maternal love or anything.
3. Tara Thornton (Rutina Wesley, True Blood)
For the exact same reasons as Dawn, basically. Because she always needs saving, and she doesn’t even have the convenient excuse of being a mystical personification of an interdimensional key. She’s just an idiot and she gets herself into way too many stupid situations. And that just isn’t okay. Every other female on True Blood has something to bring to the table. Sookie has her fairy powers, Pam has her bitchiness and practicality, Jessica has her cuteness and enthusiasm, Sophie-Anne has her power, Lorena and Maryann (had) their evil, Gran (had) her grandmotherliness, Arlene has her blowsiness, Amy (had) that hippie-dippy conviction, even Crystal at least has a demented sense of what she thinks is right sometimes. Tara just has the fact that she’s annoying and argues with everything ever.
2, 1. Lydia and Mrs. Bennet (Pride and Prejudice)
I’m not sure which of them I’d put first, but they deserve to top this list because I thought it up while witnessing their BBC incarnations. I loathe both of them. Mrs. Bennet is shrill and cloying. Lydia, as her father often said, is foolish. She’s flirty and terribly, terribly immature. She’s obsessed with marriage for marriage’s sake (not that I’ve got anything against marriage, but I believe it should be for love, not for status or pretty clothes or something). Actually, so is Mrs. Bennet. They’re just heinous characters with no redeeming qualities. And that never changes.
–your fangirl heroine.