Last year, I did this on Friday, but for sartorial reasons, I’m doing it tonight instead. (It works either way, so.) Considering how few similarities there are between the fifth season and the fifth book, this is actually sort of hilarious. All quotes from the Dead as a Doornail Wikipedia page.
- “It’s the first full moon since Jason was bitten by the werepanther Felton Norris (in Dead to the World).”
Yeah, nope. Jason had his first full moon last season, Jason (Ryan Kwanten) is not a panther, the panthers are totally irrelevant and Jason’s busy having guilty feelings about sexing Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll).
Verdict: I still kind of wish they had panthered Jason, but they didn’t, so he’s doing other things. And occasionally I finally find him mildly endearing, in the patronizing way you find small children endearing.
- “Then Sam is shot in the leg and is therefore unable to run the bar… Sookie learns that other shifters and were-animals are being shot throughout Louisiana.”
Sam (Sam Trammell) and Luna (Janina Gavankar) are both shot; it’s very dramatic. He gets better pretty quickly, and Luna as well, but he doesn’t run the bar for a while because they’re on a mission to find the assholes who shot them and then the assholes who kidnapped Luna’s daughter. It’s pretty much news that shifters and weres (and vampires and everything elses) are being hunted by a gang of d-bags.
Verdict: Yeah, considering my recent discovery that I adore Luna and all of her flawed rashness and fighting, I’m good with the way this all went down. I kind of prefer it actually.
- “Colonel Flood, leader of the Long Tooth pack of Shreveport, is hit by a car and dies, so the pack needs a new leader. Alcide’s father throws his hat into the ring, and Alcide manipulates Sookie into helping his father by reading the minds of others in the pack.”
Alcide (Joe Manganiello) killed the old packmaster last season, but then ran away from the pack; only when he decides that the current packmaster should not be doping everyone on V does he personally decide to throw his hat into the packmaster ring. And though he and Sookie (Anna Paquin) interact at the season’s beginning, she has no relation to this business at all.
Verdict: Packmaster Alcide makes those assertive declaration speeches that I have a thing about, so I’m better with it.
- “Someone tries to burn down Sookie’s house, but she is saved by her fairy godmother, Claudine.”
Yeah, Claudine (Lara Pulver) is dead. Sookie makes friends with plenty of other fairies, but not because of her house burning down. The stuff-burning-down plots of the season don’t really even involve Sookie at all.
Verdict: They’re getting to fairy plots much earlier than they do in the books, so okay, they reorganized. Got it. I’m not complaining.
- “Sookie is then shot while leaving the library, presumably because she associates with shifters… Later, Sookie is in an alley with Sam (in his dog form) trying to find the killer, when Sweetie Des Arts, Merlotte’s cook, comes at her with a gun. Sweetie explains that she was bitten by a werewolf, and has become part shifter. As an act of revenge, she now kills any shifter she comes in contact with… and Sweetie is shot and killed by Andy Bellefleur, when he arrives on the scene.”
Library? What library? Nobody here goes to the library. (They really should, though.) Sookie is trying to hunt down the truth about who killed her parents and talking to retired sheriff Bud (William Sanderson) when she is found by Sweetie (Jennifer Hasty), who’s apparently boinking Bud. She has no relation to Merlotte’s at all, and is talking big talk about keeping America human but is really seeking revenge because her husband left her for a shifter instead. And while Andy (Chris Bauer) was involved in the capture of Sweetie’s anti-supe gang, there was not shooting and killing.
Verdict: “lol my man left me I’mma kill some things” is kind of lame, and I acknowledge that, but otherwise the way the situation is presented in the show is probably more interesting.
- Something about someone named Hot Rain. Irrelevant.
- “Tara Thorton has been dumped by vampire Franklin Mott, whom she dated in Club Dead, and is now under the thumb of one of Franklin’s associates, the vampire Mickey. It turns out that Franklin Mott gave her to Mickey as part of a debt payment. It was once common for vampires to trade around their groupies, draining them to death when they grew bored.”
At the end of season four, Tara (Rutina Wesley) was shot in the head and has now been turned into a vampire by Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten). Franklin (James Frain) has been dead for ages. There’s none of this groupie passing gō se.
Verdict: Oh my gosh, so preferred. As I have said and will keep saying, damn I love vampire Tara. I think that was a really interesting decision on the writers’ parts and “interracial lesbian vampire couple” is a way nicer phrase than “it was once common for vampires to trade around their groupies.”
- “Sookie appeals to Eric, who arranges to have Mickey free Tara. Mickey becomes enraged, attacks Tara, wounds Eric, and tries to kill Sookie. In exchange for his help, Sookie must tell Eric what happened during the days he cannot remember (in Dead to the World). Sookie tells him about their passionate sexual relationship, as well as how she killed Debbie Pelt.”
Who the hell is Mickey anyway? Tara does some attacking herself, of completely different characters, but. Eric and Sookie don’t even talk for most of the season, and he already knew about the passionate sexual relationship, though Debbie was dealt with and closed-booked early in the season.
Verdict: Oh my gosh, so preferred. See above.
- “The competition for wolfpack leader takes place and there are different rounds to test the werewolves’ strength.”
Nope. There’s one round of fighting, Alcide loses because the other guy is on V.
Verdict: Wow, yeah.
- “…after he is declared victor, kills Alcide’s father regardless.”
Alcide’s father is a disgraced packmaster who has no relation to this battle. And Alcide is abjured after losing.
Verdict: Again, okay.
- “It is at this event that Sookie makes her first acquaintance with the were tiger, John Quinn.”
John Quinn, the gorram boring weretiger, is never introduced…
Verdict: …and there is much rejoicing.
- Characters present: Sookie, Eric, Bill, Tara, Mickey, Alcide, Jason, Andy, Sweetie, Sam, Claudine, Hot Rain, probably some others who aren’t mentioned in the Wikipedia synopsis (like I’m sure Pam is there but)
Characters present: Sookie, Eric, Bill, Tara, Pam, Jessica, Lafayette, Alcide, Jason, Hoyt, Andy, Sweetie, Holly, Arlene, Terry, Sam, Luna, Emma, Steve, Russell, Nora, Salome, Rosalyn, some others.
Verdict: …yes, well. Nora. Also Jessica, Lafayette, well-written Tara, plot-relevant Pam, crazy Russell, evil Bill. This is no contest.
–your fangirl heroine.