Pretty simple. But as of tonight, how many relationships are currently actually functional on television?
6. The Walking Dead
The only “relationships” right now are really Rick (Andrew Lincoln) and Lori (Sarah Wayne Callies) and then Glenn (Steven Yeun) and Maggie (Lauren Cohan). Neither of which is functional entirely. Rick and Lori are together right now, but Lori did kind of think that Rick was dead and sleep with his best friend a bunch. Glenn and Maggie were initiated by apocalypse doom. Sure, she may love him, and he might love her too even if he didn’t say it. But it’s not really functional yet. There aren’t actually a lot of relationships on this show, but the ones that are… yeah.
5. Game of Thrones
Nope. Weirdly enough, Dany (Emilia Clarke) and Drogo (Jason Momoa) were actually fairly functional. Sure, she was given to him by her creepy brother to finance his power games, but they figured out a thing and were sort of working it? And then he died. Catelyn (Michelle Fairley) and Ned (Sean Bean) were functional, but then he died. Cersei (Lena Headey) and Robert (Mark Addy) weren’t functional, and he died anyway. Sansa (Sophie Turner) and Joffrey (Jack Gleeson) were never functional either, because they are children and also he’s a d-bag. And Cersei and Jaime (Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) weren’t functional, because they’re brother and sister. No chance of happy relationships here, nope.
4. Boardwalk Empire
I don’t care that Margaret (Kelly Macdonald) and Nucky (Steve Buscemi) got married. They’re not functional. He’s a gangster, she slept with Owen (Charlie Cox) that time, it’s doomed. Jimmy (Michael Pitt) and Angela (Aleksa Palladino) weren’t functional, because they didn’t really love each other much anymore and he was a gangster and she was a lesbian and also he boned his mom. And then they both got shot. Lucy (Paz de la Huerta) ran out on her baby arrangement with Van Alden (Michael Shannon), who split up with his wife Rose (Enid Graham). Etcetera.
3. Sons of Anarchy
Basically, on this show you’re either a criminal (Clay [Ron Perlman], Jax [Charlie Hunnam]) or you’re craycray (Gemma [Katey Sagal], Tara [Maggie Siff]). Might be good for a little while, but it’s tinged with doom all over. I don’t doubt that Jax and Tara can be forever-for-a-while loves, but they’ll never be functional.
2. True Blood
And on this show, you’re either a vampire, sleeping with a vampire, or damaged by some elaborate scheme involving vampires. Eric (Alexander Northman) and Sookie (Anna Paquin) were having great sex, but then she decided that was a bad idea, after previously deciding that Bill (Stephen Moyer) was also a bad idea. No relationship that girl is in can be functional, I’m pretty sure. Jason (Ryan Kwanten) slept with Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) after Jess broke up with his best friend Hoyt (Jim Parrack), and also the whole Crystal (Lindsay Pulsipher) mess, and every mess before that. Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) and Jesus (Kevin Alejandro) were fairly functional, actually, but then Jesus was murdered. Tara (Rutina Wesley) had a string of bad relationships, but she actually seemed sort of stable with her girlfriend Naomi (Vedette Lim) until they had that whole “oops, I lied about my identity”/”run for your own good” thing and Tara got shot. Etcetera. No chances here, either.
And until tonight’s episode, I’d have said “sometimes, you do re-find love with your pregnant ex-wife!” As weird as the Raylan (Timothy Olyphant) and Winona (Natalie Zea) history was, they seemed to be working it out, but, uhm. Possibly just kidding. Boyd (Walton Goggins) and Ava (Joelle Carter) have a weird kind of criminal hillbilly love, but by virtue of the fact that they’re criminals… nope, not stable either.
I just watch the most functional-romance incompatible television shows.
–your fangirl heroine.