Monster Monday :: popular film/literature monster types and their scariness level

Here goes nothing.  (Ratings 1-10.)

• Zombies: Zombies have a lot of scary potential to me because they are so often something that man made.  Chemical zombies are caused by a spill at the nuclear plant or a virus spread by well-meaning but failing medical professionals or vindictive biogeniuses.  They don’t just spring out of nowhere, and they once were us.  Your next-door neighbor can get infected and become a zombie.  Your child can get infected and become a zombie.  And zombies are mindless killers.  There is no rationalizing with them.  There is no “hey man, we were friends once, have a little sympathy” or even “I’m gonna get you, I swear, you’d better run.”  There’s just you being devoured or them being shot in the head.  Also, zombies can be messy.  You can make funny zombies easily, but even then they’re pretty yicky.  And killing a zombie is really no more than aim and not getting killed yourself.
  Favorite fictions: The Walking Dead, Planet Terror, Shaun of the Dead, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Breathers.  Dawn of the Dead is a classic but I’ve never seen it.  I’ve seen so many of the crappy zombie movies out there, but hey.  Firefly‘s Reavers are sort of space zombies.  The Butchers and dumbshows of Dollhouse‘s Epitaphverse are sort of zombies sans bloody pus.  Braindead but still human-looking.
  Scariness rating: 8
• Robots: Robots are not included in every “monster” list, but as mentioned before I do include these suckers.  Robots are also something that man made, but more often they decide that they want to control us and not be controlled by us.  And bad happens.  They’re like us, but they don’t have our human failings: they don’t have emotion to contend with, or bodily needs (food, sleep, sex, etc.), or attachment.  They can just go out there and achieve their goals.  Probably pretty well, depending on their interface.  Killing these guys is trickier and at times more specialized
  Favorite fictions: the Terminator franchise (which I haven’t seen all of, but what I have seen… the ultimate robot quandary), Robopocalypse, Android Karenina.  A lot of older robot stuff is too campy to be freaky.  (Like Robot Apocalypse.  Not at all scary.  Hilarious and bad, but.)
  Scariness rating: 7
• Vampires: Vampires also once were us.  They’re strong, they’re logical, they’re capable of strategizing, they’ve got a (usually insatiable, occasionally lame) blood lust.  But they can be reasoned with.  Not every vampire is going to kill every human.  Some are only going to kill when they’re hungry.  Some like to make it a game of sorts.  Some can be talked down from a murder.  Some can even fall in love.  Vampires are really sort of humans but with fangs (and strength and speed and whatever, depending on the mythos).  Vampires are our dark side, but they aren’t pure darkness, usually.  And sometimes they’re honestly pretty sexy, at least in certain media.  They’re interesting, they’re adaptable.  They aren’t always vicious.  And the blindly bloodlusty ones are usually the easiest to kill, because they’re not using the logical human parts of their brains, they’re just powerdrunk.  Normal human-killing things like guns won’t work on them unless you’ve got wooden (and sometimes silver) bullets, but it’s not hard to break a stick off a tree and jab it through, if you’re fast.
  Favorite fiction: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood, Interview With a Vampire, Jane Slayre.  30 Days of Night is a good indication of a more zombielike vampire, but it’s not my personal favorite.
  Scariness rating: Anywhere from 4-9.
• Werewolves: Werewolves are often found where other supes are, and strictly werewolf stories are usually either cult-classic or bad.  Werewolves aren’t so scary since they’re just people that are killer beasts 3 days of the month (or whenever they want, depending), and most of them can either control it or just don’t let themselves get angsty about it.  And if they do they’re not worth paying attention to.  The bloodlustiest ones are rare.
  Favorite fiction: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood.  I’ve heard of this movie called Ginger Snaps that’s pretty culty-good for werewolf stuff, but I’ve never seen it.
  Scariness rating: 5.
• Killer animals: Black Sheep and Supergator and Piranha.  Enough said.
  Scariness rating: 3.
• Miscellaneous supernatural humans: Again, they’re just people.  People with magical powers.  Sometimes they’re like Carrie, which I’ve never seen, but I’ve heard a million references to; sometimes they’re like the X-Men, and not scary at all unless they’re evil.  They’re just around.  They might use their powers for evil, they might not.  A lot of slasher films have supernatural elements tossed in, but they’re not always well-explained.
  Favorite fiction: There are honestly too many variants to try and list a few overall.
  Scariness rating: 0-10.  It really depends.
• Ghosts: Nowadays, they aren’t too scary.  Most ghost films are more creepy than scary, and even that’s a stretch.  Take for instance the Nicole Kidman film The Others.  Or The Sixth Sense.  Or… seriously, anything with ghosts.
  Scariness rating: Usually about 2.  Occasionally more.
• Monsters: Animallike creatures with little or no basis in reality.  Sea monsters count, yes.  Demons also.
  Favorite fiction: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.
  Scariness rating: Given the camp factor, 3-5.
• Witches: They aren’t all evil anymore.  Mine is the generation of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, of Buffy and Charmed, of Harry Potter, things like that.  Where the witches are really just people with magical powers.  Some of them are evil, yeah, but most aren’t.  Most are just people.  Most just wanna do their magical thing.  Sometimes you have True Blood Marnie, but she’s not evil because she’s a witch.  She’s evil because she’s overcompensating for social deficiencies and an inferiority complex, and she just happens to be a witch at the same time.
  Favorite fiction: See above.
  Scariness rating: Usually around 2.  Some witches can get seriously scary (Voldemort and some of the Death Eaters, like Bellatrix, are closer to 8; Hermione can be like a good scary around 7.  Dark Willow is about a 9, because damn, girl, flaying?  Freaky) but as a whole they’re not that freaky.
• Sociopaths: Not all sociopaths are evil.  Not all sociopaths are scary.  But the ones that are, really are.  The scariest killers are the plain old (sometimes technologically enhanced, Alpha) people who go on a killing spree.  Period.
  Favorite fiction: Everything ever, man.  I’m a morbid nutcase, almost all of my favorite fiction is about sociopaths in one way or another.
  Scariness rating: 6-10.

–your fangirl heroine.

Sundry Sunday :: my urban dictionary: brain freeze

Not the standard usage of the term, as in when your head gets a cold sensation from drinking something cold too quickly.  While out last night with friends, someone mentioned that they had a brain freeze, and due to the dorky and awesome nature of the conversations we’d been having, I immediately alt-defined it.  So.

Def.: becoming “stuck” in a particular mood or persona, or on one thought, in one’s head.  Like when a computer freezes, but in your brain, because brains are really just computers in your head. Yep.

Usage: sometimes after one has been doing something or being a certain way for long enough, it is easy to have a brain freeze and continue to do or be said way even if it is not situationally appropriate.

–your fangirl heroine.

Social Life Saturday :: it’s Halloween weekend.

This means:

1. I am actually busy doing social activities.
2. I am cheating on tonight’s post.
3. I went Rocky Horror midnighting (well, nine-thirtying) last night.  It’s a quintessential part of the Halloween experience.
4. Wednesday will in fact bring photos of my and my Scoobies’ costumes.
5. I am too exhausted to even be witty about this.  Sorry, kids.

–your fangirl heroine.

Fashion Friday :: put a pretty collar on it (and make any dress 1890s chic)

Surprisingly, I’m going to take the chance to harken back not to this year’s Halloween plans (nope, that’s not till next week), but my Halloween of years ago.  There have been dresses all over ModCloth lately that have made me think of cutesy quasihipster Lolita-but-not-in-the-Japanese-way Spring Awakening.

(The girls, L to R: Jennifer Damiano, Phoebe Strole, Lilli Cooper, Remy Zaken, Lauren Pritchard, Lea Michele, Krysta Rodriguez.)

I add the qualifiers because the dresses I’m seeing aren’t literal adaptations.  They’re shorter, sometimes cutesier, a little more, as said, hipster at times.  But they’re cute, and I feel like they’re the closest you can get to 1890s Germany in daily life without people going “whaaat?”

So.  Here goes nothing, and all of these are ModCloth.

It’s got the collar.  It’s a vintage color.  It has little details.  This is what I’m talking about.  Pumpkin Chai Dress.

This one’s an even less literal take.  (I’m sure that they weren’t trying to fill the 1890s vibe when they designed any of these, it’s just what comes to mind for me.)  The collar just screams it to me.  Down Memory Grain Dress.

Sadly, this one is out of stock, but it’s a little more perfect.  This is like how you do Anna’s (Phoebe Strole, in the OBC) dress modernly.  Afternoon Antiquing Dress.

Again, a little more modern, a little more twisty, but it’s got that collar that’s perfection.  For the Right Moment Dress.

If you made the Thea (Remy Zaken, in the OBC) dress modern, shirtwaisty, and kicky, this would be it.  Ample Interests Dress.

Very babydolled.  Yep, the theme here is putting collars on it.  Mint Tea Dress.

Regardless of whether or not humans can actually wear this color, this dress wins points for having a proper natural waist.  Gourd Garden Dress.

Oh no!  Bare arms!  Million Collar Question Dress in That’s Correct and Final Question.

Another Anna dress.  Loving Care Dress.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: my success as an English major measured by how many SparkNoted titles I’ve read (O-S)

O:
The Odyssey by Homer
The Oedipus Plays by Sophocles
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
The Old Testament
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez
Othello by William Shakespeare
The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton (well, I enjoyed it in seventh grade?)
8 of 24 titles.  3 of 24 were sincerely enjoyed.

P:
The Piano Lesson by August Wilson
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (does this count?  I read… the first four chapters or something, I’ve seen the miniseries and the 2005 one with Keira Knightley, I’ve read …and Zombies and god knows how many made-up sequels?)
3 of 26 titles.  0 of 26 were sincerely enjoyed.

R:
The Red-Headed League by Arthur Conan Doyle
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
A Rose for Emily by William Faulkner
4 of 25 titles.  2 of 25 were sincerely enjoyed.

S:
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (I’m almost positive, anyway?)
The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd
Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (…and Sea Monsters?)
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares (I had no idea anyone taught this in school, ever.  I read it when it was a twelve-year-old who ate up teenage girl books.)
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut (I feel like I’d like it if I read it again, maybe)
A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams
The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
8 of 44 titles.  2 of 44 were sincerely enjoyed.

–your fangirl heroine.

Whedon Wednesday :: and then, the internets exploded with joy.

On Sunday, I was skimming my tumblr dashboard like I do and I saw a picture of Nathan Fillion’s Twitter account, talking about muchadothemovie.com.  I saw a link to that.  I was then led to this:

I saw Much Ado About Nothing, which is one of my favorite Shakespeare comedies, so that was exciting.  I saw Amy Acker and Alexis Denisof, and I went yay, as they are both in the mafia and awesome and stuff.  (Also, though I’ve not seen most of Angel yet, they do have a thing, right?  So the chemistry.)  I then read the rest of the names.  So.  Many.  Mafia.  Faces.  And Fran Kranz, my all-time favorite of all time.  (Incidentally, Lust For Love is $4,477 over their $70,000 goal, so it is going to happen!  It’s a good week for fangeeks.)

Apparently, Joss Whedon had some time off from The Avengers, and instead of taking a vacation, he decided to make a movie.  He got everyone together at his swank Santa Monica house and they pulled out what I’m sure is a brilliant Much Ado About Nothing.  There’s a good interview with Joss and Amy and Sean in Entertainment Weekly that goes into more of the details, and the press release helps too.

Amy plays Beatrice, Alexis plays Benedick.  Fran is Claudio (the role, as I explained to several people, that Robert Sean Leonard played in the one from the 90s by Kenneth Branagh – a romantic lead who gets a happy ending).  Nathan Fillion is Dogberry, the wacky sheriff, Sean Maher is the bad guy, Don John (he’s totally going to own the pants off Keanu Reeves), Reed Diamond is Don Pedro (and that makes more sense than when Denzel Washington was that and somehow Denzel and Keanu were half-brothers).  Perfect freaking casting right there.

Clark Gregg plays Leonato, the facilitator of life.  (Apparently Anthony Stewart Head was going to be involved, but couldn’t, but Clark is a trusty dude, I’m sure he’ll work it.)  Tom Lenk is Verges the deputy, which is also perfect.  Ashley Johnson (for those of you not possessing compulsive imdb habits, she was that woman who Alpha kidnapped to put Caroline in in 1×12, “Omega,” and also she was in the unaired pilot of Dollhouse) is the saucy maid Margaret.  Riki Lindholme, who I had to look up and was in one episode of Buffy (“Him” in season seven, the one with the enchanted letterman jacket), is playing Conrade, a part that’s usually a dude, and the Sexton is played by Romy Rosemont, who’s not before been in the mafia but does play Finn’s mom on Glee, so also neat.

Twitter said Maurissa Tancharoen and Jed Whedon wrote a song, and Jed scored it.  They’ve said it’s filmed in black and white.  The pictures with the Entertainment Weekly article make it look modern, so, cool.  Joss did the script, of course.

He’s said they might take it on the festival circuit next year.  That does, of course, make me say please let it be next year already.

The best thing about this (well, other than the existence of it) is Joss+Shakespeare.  There are so many possibilities, and I want them all to happen now.  I want all the Joss+Shakespeare possible.  I want everyone to get to play.  I want Morena Baccarin as Titania in Midsummer, I want Summer Glau anywhere, I want Olivia Williams anywhere, I want Anthony Stewart Head to get to play in the sandbox after all, I want James Marsters’ Macbeth on screen.

This is a marriage of my two nerdiest sides.  The English/theater nerd, the Whedon nerd.  They’ve come together, and there’s no looking back.

–your fangirl heroine.

Television Tuesday :: I am a mess of confused feelings.

Namely, about FX’s American Horror Story, produced by the same people behind Glee and also the plastic surgery drama Nip-Tuck, which I have never watched.  I will admit that my initial desire to watch stemmed from a desire to see what Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk could come up with when they weren’t patronizing twelve-year-olds combined with a morbid fondness for, well, horror stories.

I would normally wait until the season is over to go on about it in a nonspecific fashion, but I feel like so much could change that it would be a completely different piece, and I want to get my thoughts out now (before tomorrow’s episode, which makes this post very of its moment, but that’s fine).  So, in the trusty bullet pointed list, here goes (spoilers for the first three episodes do ensue).

• Again, why can married couples on television not be faithful to each other?  Ben (Dylan McDermott) and Vivien (Connie Britton) move all the way across the country in attempts to deal with his infidelity, and then mistress Hayden (Kate Mara, who my father has somewhat ruined for me by proclaiming that she should really just go ahead and play some type of werecat [he said "cat person," but that's what he meant] on True Blood or something; I can’t look at her without thinking about whiskers and claws) pops up out of nowhere.
• Only to be popped back down again by crazy Larry (Denis O’Hare, delightfully messed up as per usual).  I can’t say I saw it coming, but I wasn’t exactly surprised, either.
• See, this is the thing about this show so far.  I have no idea what’s going on most of the time, but by that same token nothing is going to shock me.  I’m just assuming that anything is possible.  And yet, even with my not knowing what’s going on, I’m… strangely entranced.
• This could just be because it’s shot pretty.  Or because there’s flashbacks.
• Or because they’re mixing a pretty good soundtrack.  I’m assuming that “Special Death” by my babygirl Mirah (and my favorite song of hers, no less) is daughter Violet’s (Taissa Farmiga) unofficial theme song or something, as they’ve played it no less than three times already, not to mention on some of the ads.  Rock on, that.
• Speaking of Violet, she confuses me too.  On one hand, she’s got a right to be a little angsty, what with her Tokenly Dysfunctional Parents, but on the other hand, what?  I wish I had a better sense of who she is and not just who she’s being to be rebellious.  I appreciate in a way that they’ve chosen to take her down the “wearing messes of clothes that look like they got grabbed at random from an upscale vintage shop’s bargain bin” route and not the “wearing too much black and having piercings” route, though I wish I knew why.
• And I wish I knew why Vivien screwed the guy in the gimp suit (Riley Schimdt).  I understand her thinking that Ben was just playing a joke at first, but, you know.  Once the sex act began, I feel like she’d have noticed that wasn’t her husband.  It’s not like they’ve never had sex or anything.  I even have a hard time buying bed tricks in Shakespeare, for goodness’ sake, but nowadays?  Really?  And is the baby Ben’s or gimp suit’s?  These are things I need to know.
• So… everyone who dies in the house can’t leave it ever?  Or just the people buried in the backyard?  Or what?  And why did Moira’s (Alexandra Breckenridge, who I just looked up and am not sure whether to be impressed by the resume of, or giggle, or both [True Blood and Buffy both, but also She's the Man] / Frances Conroy) ghost age but only sometimes?  I really need them to get expository regarding their ghost canon more.  I mean, for all I know, freakin’ everyone but the Harmons are ghosts.  Like I said, I wouldn’t be surprised.
• But, actors!  I think True Blood is developing a mini-mafia, and they’re appearing here somewhat, O’Hare and Breckenridge (she played Katerina, the girl whose glasses made me like her until she was actually a spy/f-buddy for Bill) and Adina Porter (Tara’s mom) popping up as one of Dr. Ben’s patients.  Also there’s some minor Whedonverse cred, again Breckenridge (she was in “Lessons” in season seven, playing the girl who adventured in the basement of the school with Dawn) and Azura Skye (who was that girl Cassie who predicted her own death, also season seven) and Bianca Lawson (who was Kendra, and how is she still playing high schoolers?) and Andy Umberger (who was D’Hoffryn on Buffy and the creepy doctor in one of the four episodes of Angel I’ve coherently seen and also an Alliance guy on Firefly) and I’m sure many others to come.  And there’s other people, like Evan Peters who plays Violet’s creepy friend dude, he was in Kick-Ass, and one of Azura Skye’s cult buddies was played by Mageina Tovah who’s the neighbor in Spider-man 2 and 3 and more importantly one of the geeky kids in Bickford Schmeckler’s Cool Ideas, and of course Christine Estabrook who was the original Adult Woman in Spring Awakening (and in some other stuff too).
• Are you sensing my ambivalence yet?  I am ambivalent.  I have no idea what to make of this show yet.  I’m intrigued by it, and the cinematography rocks, and all that, but I have no idea what the point is.  It’s a mystery!  But I like knowing just enough to not be sitting there going “whaaaat.”  But, as I feel compelled to discover the answer do that question, I will continue to watch, of course.

–your fangirl heroine.

Music Monday :: 6 of my favorite soundtracky tracks

Half of which are covers.  Hm.

6. “Such Great Heights,” as covered by Iron & Wine on the Garden State soundtrack
Now, I love the original of this track (by the Postal Service).  But the original is shamelessly chipper, and making it folksier and melancholy like this cover does is a way to make it applicable to the other half of life situations that require love songs.  It’s not quite gloomy, but it’s definitely slower, definitely twangier, definitely more thoughtful.  And it’s pretty.

5. “White Rabbit,” by Emiliana Torrini on the Sucker Punch soundtrack
We’ve had this discussion before, yes?  Yes.  But it needs to be said.  It’s just too brilliant.

4. “She’s Not There,” as covered by Neko Case and Nick Cave on the True Blood soundtrack
Okay, every song that plays on the True Blood soundtrack is fantastical.  But this is the only one I’ve gotten around to downloading, because I’m just like that.  But… Neko Case.  Baaaaby.  I was listening to this earlier today, and I actually skipped back to the beginning when it was over to play it through again, because it’s just so good.  It’s kind of the musical version of fictional angry sex or something.

3. “Cat People (Putting Out the Fire),” by David Bowie on the Inglourious Basterds soundtrack
Originally this song was for the soundtrack of a film called, well, Cat People, but this is a film that I have not seen, and it is actually a film about cat people.  Reading the Wikipedia synopsis, I’m pretty sure I’m all right having not seen it.  But (haven’t I mentioned this before?) the “Cat People (Putting Out the Fire)” sequence in Basterds is one of the most flawless set-to-music scenes I’ve ever seen in a film, if not the actual top of my list, and makes this song worthy of never ever skipping on shuffle ever.

2. “Chick Habit,” as covered/translated by April March on the Death Proof soundtrack
I say covered/ translated because the French version, “Laisse Tomber Les Filles,” was by Serge Gainsbourg and performed by France Gall in the 60s.  March wrote the English lyrics; they’re not a direct translation, but the spirit is still there.  It’s a big giant “kiss off” to stupid boys, really it is, and I love that, but more than that I love how ridiculously addictive this song is.  It’s just so retro and at the same time it doesn’t feel kitschy.  With the vocals and the backings and all of it together, it’s just so perfect at being what it is.  And it fits in with Death Proof perfectly, because Tarantino knows his soundtrack stuff.

1. “Black Sheep,” by Metric on the Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World soundtrack
Guess who isn’t surprised!  All of you!  I’ve also rambled about how much I love this track plenty of times before, so I’ll spare you the reiterations, but it just had to top this list.

–your fangirl heroine.

Sundry Sunday :: and to round it out, 6 actors and actresses with gorgeous green (or hazel) eyes!

(I have enough to split it into multiple posts, but I feel like I should draw the fun out.)

6. Maggie Siff

Using this Mad Men photo ’cause it highlights her beautiful eyes so nicely.  In a way, green eyes are the most subtle: they’re not immediately piercing like blue, or smoldery and dark like brown, but they’re soft and subtle and so striking when you look closely and Maggie’s are a perfect example.

5. Emma Stone

Emma’s eyes are that green that’s so light that at first you think it might be blue, or blue-ish, but then you look closer and go… oh, they’re green, and gorgeous.  Yep.

4. Timothy Olyphant

I’d actually been thinking I’d include him on the brown eyes list for a while, but then I took a closer look: they’re really more hazel.  There’s some green in there for sure.  And being in possession of hazel eyes myself, I applaud this.  Also, I like having a reason to stare at his face like a creeper fangirl.

3. Emily Browning

Emily Browning’s eyes were practically their own character in Sucker Punch, hence my including a picture from the film instead of a real-life photo of her (there were plenty that were striking, but).  I swear I won’t turn this into an opportunity to once again defend the hell out of that film (which I could) but — damn, baby/Baby.  Those are some mind-numbingly pretty eyes.

2. Jewel Staite

(Excuse for that picture to be used?  What?  Of course not.)  Jewel’s eyes are sometimes of a decidedly darker green, almost hazel, but that’s the fun of green eyes.  Differing shades!  And they’re still beautiful.

1. Patrick Fugit

Oh, hello, my longest-term mancrush ever.  (I sort of love that my three longest-term crushes each represent a different eye color group and have topped all of these lists.)  Really, it isn’t fair for someone to have such lovely piercing warm beautiful tenotheradjectives eyes.

–your fangirl heroine

Sarcastic Saturday :: really, HGTV? (a diatribe on series naming techniques)

As we all know, I watch way too much HGTV, especially for a twentysomething of reasonable social health.  But the shows I like best are the ones that make sense.  The straightforward ones.  I don’t need something flashy and silly.  Hunting for a house?  Call it House Hunters.  Buying your first house?  Call it My First Place.  Are you named Sarah and building a house?  Call it Sarah’s House.  These are things that aren’t trying to be funny, but they get to the point.

I will admit that I raised an eyebrow about Property Virgins.  Not because I have problems with it, but because it just seems… well, overly colloquial for one, and like something that could put someone else off of what is otherwise a wholesome house-buying show.  Actually, it’s pretty much the exact same as My First Place.  But often Canadian, and Sandra Rinomato insists on asking the buyers how much they think everything costs before she’ll actually tell them, like a bitchy realtor Mary Poppins.  I digress.

Then earlier this year they started in on a show called Property Brothers.  Now, these guys are even bigger d-bags – they take people to houses they can’t afford on purpose.  Just so they can go “JK!!!  Buy this crappy house and we’ll fix it for you!!!”  The name Property Brothers didn’t make this exactly inherent, though.  I assumed it was a show about brothers, yes, but what were they doing with the property?  Buying it?  Fixing it?  Selling it?  What?  (Well, all of the above, but still.)  Also, it kind of made me get this mental image:

I’m sorry, Jonathan and Drew Scott.  I’m sure you’re not actually d-bags, and you’re not actually video game characters who drive cars that can be derailed by banana peels and flying turtleless turtle shells.  Also, I know those hats are edited on terribly, but… I don’t think it was really worth the effort.

Now recently, they started advertising another new show, Donna Decorates Dallas.  Other than being outrageously not to my tastes and over the top, her design is not the problem.  The problem is that the show is, you know, named after a porn film.  Granted, an old porn film, and like hell I’ve seen it (and maybe I’ve only heard of it because they made a parody musical starring Sherie Rene Scott years ago) but still.  (For the uneducated, the film is Debbie Does Dallas.)  That’s straightforward, but it’s just… sketchy.  And a little tacky.

And then!  They busted out another new show, apparently similar to Property Brothers, judging the way they’ve been advertising them jointly.  This one isn’t about brothers, it’s about cousins!  And they don’t fix entire properties, they just fix kitchens!  So what do they call it?  Kitchen Cousins.  Okay, it’s to the point in that way.  They’re cousins.  They fix kitchens.  But really?  Really?  It’s a play on words, and it’s… even sketchier than Donna Decorates Dallas.  The phrase “kissing cousins” is defined thusly on Urban Dictionary:

A “kissing cousin” is any cousin that is not a first cousin. In most places in the world, first cousins may not have sex and have babies. But, in most cultures second cousins, and higher can have sex and babies. Degree of cousinship is determined by how many generations the shared ancestor is removed from the individual closest to the generation of the shared ancestor.

This… this makes me uncomfortable.  I don’t know whether or not the Kitchen Cousins are actually “kissing cousins” but I don’t want to think about it.  Cousins period shouldn’t have sex.  No matter what.  I mean, Bill Compton wouldn’t keep screwing Portia Bellefleur, even being a vampire that was her great-great-great-great grandfather.  That’s definitely similarly sketch.  But if a vampire wouldn’t do it, even a vampire as sometimes-lame as Bill, it’s not okay.

In short, HGTV people, stop trying to be cutesy/edgy with your show names.  Those of us who get it are not impressed.

–your fangirl heroine.