Theatre Thursday :: 5 of my favorite plays and musicals and if they’d work as films.

5. Speech & Debate by Stephen Karam
I have a great, great love for this play.  My heroine of life Susan Blackwell was in it, and the kids actually felt like kids I might know.  I mean, really.  Diwata (played by Sarah Steele) was like… 85% me.  The play was set in my town, they attended a high school I did summer theatre camps and choir recitals in, they used real copies of the local newspaper on stage, they even put on the same play (Once Upon a Mattress) that I did my junior year of high school.  Karam unconsciously stalked my life.  It’s a brilliant play, I saw it during its run in New York (front row, baby, and eternally grateful) and I’m still in love.  But could it be a movie?  Well, it’s a four person cast.  It’d have to be a weird independent film.  (Besides, Hollywood would be suffering from Glee syndrome and try to make it more mass-marketable.)  But if it was a weird independent film, maybe with Karam consulting, it could be done well, perhaps.

4. Spring Awakening by Duncan Sheik and Steven Sater, adapted from the play by Frank Wedekind
Spring is without a doubt, no questions asked, my favorite musical.  It maybe didn’t change my life, but it was a huge part of it, and to some extent it’s responsible for many of the great things in my life, including some of my greatest friendships.  But honestly?  I feel like it would be near impossible to translate to film.  Said friends of mine and I once tried to contrive of a way to do this; it was much too difficult.  Voiceovers were utilized in excess and a lot of the songs would just have to take place in a subreality.  Not unlike how they did Sucker Punch, actually, though that was obviously not in our minds at the time.  While this works for a story like Sucker Punch, where the subrealities are all ass-kickery and dancing in leotards, I think it would just feel slavish doing Spring as a film that way.  I mean, Sucker Punch had, what, four subreality scenes?  Spring would have to have one for all nineteen songs (or however many of them stuck around – and most of them would have to, I think; when I try to think of which are expendable, the only things I can think of are “There Once Was a Pirate” and Phoebe’s “Mama Who Bore Me/Touch Me (reprise),” and both of those were cut from the stage production).  It would be very hard to do in a way that would feel still genuine and not just like someone filmed the stage play.  And really, casting would be impossible: on stage, you can get away with twenty-six year old Phoebe Strole playing a fourteen year old, but in film?  It would be like… well, most high school movies and TV shows, where the high schoolers are very obviously at least twenty-four.  And that wouldn’t feel right.  But you couldn’t have actual fourteen year olds in it, either, as per the sex and everything.  Just… how about no.

3. How I Learned to Drive by Paula Vogel
One of my friends and I once had to theoretically adapt this into a musical for a class (well, we had to make a musical; we chose it as our source material, because we were paired off due to our mutual morbidity and dark artistic inclinations, and we intended for the score, were it real, to have been written or at least styled as if it was written by Amanda Palmer and Brian Viglione, oh yeah).  As a stage musical?  Yes, it would have been awesome.  As a movie?  Hell no.  It’s much, much too non-linear and dissociated.  I looked it up, and apparently there was a TV movie in 2001, but as imdb doesn’t even have cast or crew details listed on the page, it can’t have been very good.  I just… don’t see it working.  At all.

2. Next to Normal by Brian Yorkey and Tom Kitt
We all know I love this one, too.  (It’s probably favsies after Spring and Rent, and yes, I know I’m an outrageous musical theatre modernist.)  But… well, the theme of tonight seems to be it just wouldn’t translate.  For one, the story just isn’t something that would go over.  It’d have to be another of those indie films, and even then, it could be problematic: those ambiguous endings don’t sit well with people, especially somewhat unhappy ambiguous endings.  There are too many songs.  I mean, Rent did okay translating, but they had to change a lot of the songs to dialogue, and it worked for them somewhat, but I just can’t see the Next to Normal songs adapting into straight talking well.  It’s too small of a cast for a musical film.  They’d try to glam up the electroshock sequence (again, I’m just seeing Sucker Punch, and while it’s perfect for what it is, it’s not perfect for Next to Normal).  They’d probably cast people who were all wrong just to make it more accessible.  It just… no.

1. August: Osage County (in development?) by Tracy Letts
I honestly don’t know.  Plays set only in one location that can’t be set in another location worry me for film adaptations.  But it’s got a huge-ass cast, and that helps.  They’ve apparently slated it for a movie in 2013, and that’s something to look forward to; I’ve never actually seen it staged, just read it, but I’m still wary.  I hope for the best, though.

–your fangirl heroine.

Whedon Wednesday :: When the Floods Roll Back [a Buffy season 4 fanmix]

1. Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight That Surrounds You (Rilo Kiley)
Hail to those who have come from the sunlight that surrounds you.  Pray for those who have gone from the sunlight that surrounds you.  Pretend all the good things are for you.

2. Silhouettes (Swimming With Dolphins)
Who really needs the past with the allure of something new?  So we split apart at last, went back to places that I knew before you.

3. Once Was Love (Ingrid Michaelson)
Don’t delay, something tells me I gotta go away.  Maybe it’s the way we always stay when our hearts have gone, we can’t hold us anymore, no we’ve got to fold down to the floor, yes I know it’s cold but baby our hearts have gone.  Just because there once was love don’t mean a thing, don’t mean a thing.

4. Fisher of Men (M. Ward)
And he put his name in my chorus like the dark before the dawn so that in my hour of weakness, I’d remember it’s his song.  He’s got a line in the water, he’s a fisher of men.

5. Turning Tables (Adele)
Close enough to start a war.  All that I have is on the floor.  God only knows what we’re fighting for, all that I say, you always say more.

6. So Says I (The Shins)
In our darkest hours, we have all asked for some angel to come sprinkle his dust all around, but all our crying voices, they can’t turn it around, you’ve had some crazy conversations of your own.

7. Come Clean (Eisley)
Listen to me, you pull me apart and I know it wasn’t you, ’cause you were not there.  And why do you feel sorry?

8. Gentle Sheep (The Ditty Bops)
Where’s my mystical pan who plays on his flute?  Dancing entrancing those who choose to hear his tune.  There’ll be a man who comes out of hiding, he’ll be the one who forces you to decide.

9. Confide in Me (Ben Lee)
We all get hurt by love, and we all have our cross to bear.  But in the name of understanding now our problems should be shared.

10. Apologies (Christie Dupree)
And it’s taken me a long time this time to find that we’re walking such a fine line between the days that are over and the sun’s sinking lower on a day like today or the one we’re living right now, right now.

11. The Soldiering Life (The Decemberists)
But I, I never felt so much life, than tonight huddled in the trenches, gazing on the battlefield.  Our rifles blaze away, we blaze away, oh.

12.Maybe (The Submarines)
For such a long time now we’re doing battle with our own familiar inhibitions, far away from home.  Our trusty compass fails to find this strange and new position, can we leave this struggle behind?

13. How Sweetly Friendship Binds (Mirah)
How sweetly friendship binds our hearts in brother love, with kindness of forgiving minds, life’s sweetest pleasures prove.

–your fangirl heroine.

Television Tuesday :: I still believe that Zooey can do no wrong.

(I can even forgive her for being in Your Highness.  Mostly.)

So I was a little skeptical of her show, New Girl.  I don’t think I’ve watched a sitcom consistently since I was in junior high and Friends went off the air.  My sense of humor is a little too morbid and anti-laugh track-y for that to really work.  But I was determined to give New Girl a try for no reason but my Zooey (my adoration for her incidentally dates back to as long ago as I last consistently watched a sitcom, since the first time I saw Almost Famous; she and Patrick, and to a lesser extent Anna, have been in my heart ever since).  Actually, I’m not disappointed.

So far (a whole two episodes in) the majority of the characters aren’t actually that dimensional or anything.  There’s the Nice, Dumped Roommate, the Douche Roommate (complete with Douchebag Jar, a touch I found genius), the Black Friend, the Model Friend, the Asshole Ex.  But Zooey’s Jess… I’m in love, pretty much.

Some people might say that they’re trying too hard to make her weird or quirky or whatever.  That nobody really behaves like that.  But see, I know at least ten people who sometimes behave like that.  Jess is more “‘one of my own” than… gosh, anyone I can think of on television that wasn’t created by Joss Whedon.

Here is a girl who wears glasses not just occasionally, but fairly often, even out to the bar, and not ironically either.  (The frames are decidedly square, but not overlarge and hipstery.)  Here is a girl that, when prompted for a list of available DVDs she has, lists four films, the last two being Newsies and Curly Sue.  (Also not ironic, and I do not at all doubt that she would enjoy Newsies, I mean, it’s a ridiculous film, but in a good way.  There is nothing as endearing as dancing old-timey street kids sometimes.)  Here is a girl that plans to wear overalls and heels on a date, claiming she’s going for a “sexy farmer’s daughter” thing.  Here is a girl who sings anything at any time at all.

Here is a girl who, when told that one of her new roommates will be her guardian while she attempts to meet men, immediately chirps “Like Gandalf, through Middle Earth?”  Said roommate requests that she put all Lord of the Rings references in a dark cave where no-one’s going to find them (clearly meaning “where they belong,” and that, friends, is a matter of opinion!  I think Jess’s biggest problem is not that she’s a little bit of a goofy-ass dork, but that she has yet to meet the man who is looking for a goofy-ass dork, and somewhere out there, there’s someone who wants her Lord of the Rings references) and she giggles to herself that Smeagol would find them, because he lives in a cave.

Here is a girl who, when told her boyfriend has a fantasy that she’s a stripper, invents an entire backstory for the fictional stripper, claiming she wants to have a well-developed sex character.  She’s now a stripper with a heart of gold that he’s putting through college; when asked by her friend (the Model Friend, her only apparent female friend) what her stripper name is, she says, “Rebecca Johnson?”  Perfection.  And when later she’s playing “sexy stripper,” she does so by holding a pillow in front of her body, dancing around, singing a song, and informing him that her name is now “Tiger Boobs.”  Tiger Boobs.  I’m not even sure what that means, but it just made me want to hug her.

I want to hug her for the entire twenty-four minutes the show is running.  It’s a silly show.  But damned if she doesn’t make it worth it.

–your fangirl heroine.

Music Monday :: 6 albums named after lyrics in songs, but not actual song titles

I just… I love when artists do this.  For me, it’s like

1. Album named for song lyric
2. Album named for who the hell knows
3. Album named for song
4. Album named after band

I don’t know why.  I think it’s just that detail-oriented neurotic in me; it means you have to listen to the songs, really listen, to catch the title, and I think that’s cool.

6, 5.  No One Will Know and Would Things Be Different, The Spring Standards
No One Will Know, their EP, is an eight-song collection of wonderful.  The titular lyrics come from the heartbreaking “Your Lie.”

I, well I have no sorrow, for guiltier end, for no one will know, the wreck has been slow, no excuse could be tougher than when you can pack up and go.

Would Things Be Different, their album, takes its title from the track “Frozen.”

If I were a stranger or a passerby would things be different, would I catch your eye?

4, 3. Bomb in a Birdcage and One Cell in the Sea, A Fine Frenzy
Bomb in a Birdcage takes its title from the first track on the album, “What I Wouldn’t Do.”

It was now and we were both in the same place, didn’t know how to say the words.  With my heart ticking like a bomb in a birdcage, I left before someone got hurt.

One Cell in the Sea‘s title is from the second track, “The Minnow and the Trout.”

Please, I know that we’re different.  We were one cell in the sea in the beginning and what we’re made of was all the same once, we’re not that different after all.

2. Declare a New State, the Submarines
Declare a New State‘s title is off the first track, too, “Peace and Hate.”

Forever more peace and hate, love and war, declare a new state.  Forever more peace and hate, love and war, declare a new state.

1. I Know You’re Married But I’ve Got Feelings Too, Martha Wainwright
Another album title off the first track, “Bleeding All Over You.”

My heart was made for bleeding all over you, and I know you’re married but I’ve got feelings too, and I still love you.

–your fangirl heroine.

Sundry Sunday :: my urban dictionary: nerdbabbling

Def.: 1) A terrible habit of mine.  2) Talking a lot and very quickly about obscure subjects that interest you more than those around you; usually, but not always, pertaining to pop culture or an academic concept.

Usage: One of the reasons that I have a blog is so I don’t alarm the people I converse with daily with my nerdbabbling.

See Also: Willowbabbling, Riverbabbling, Bennettbabbling.

–your fangirl heroine.

Sarcastic Saturday :: why I am awful at organized games.

By “organized games,” I mean boardgames, card games, video games, most computer games, things like that.  It is the same reason as why I am just terrible at remembering/enjoying simple jokes: my situational lack of whimsy.  I maintain that I am very whimsical in certain ways, as well you all know, but in others, logic and a need to make things make sense and make things well-developed ruins all hopes.

One side-effect of this is the fact that I honestly spend more time while playing games organizing materials than strategizing.  Some people take five minutes just to pick which move to make and then another five minutes are spent making it; I’m more interested in when it’s not my turn.  When I’m not expected to be paying attention, I can be sorting all of my cards or papers parallel and by a given system (order acquired, numerical order, usually ascending, financial value color-coding; this is true of cards acquired in games like Citadels, where the cards represent “districts” you’ve built, and I’m busy sorting them in order of cost to build each district, then by color within that.  It’s also true of things like Life or Monopoly, where my money always has to be in perfect numerical order) and that’s just infinitely more fun to me.

I once participated, years ago, in a marathon two-day game of Risk.  Rather, the game was held at my house, so despite being eliminated on Day One, I still had to be present.  No mind, though: I spent Day Two taking all of the unused army pieces and arranging them in various usually symmetrical patterns and then photographing them.  Army configurations and just pretty designs alike, I actually had more fun doing that than I did playing the game.

When it comes to games like Life, I’m the world’s biggest weirdo.  I attribute it to being a writer, but it could just be being neurotic.  I’m not content just with the brick wall vague descriptions of things on the board: GRADUATION and GET A JOB and GET MARRIED and BUY A HOUSE and BABY BOY/GIRL/TWINS.  No, I have to figure out what everyone majored in (it’s funny to see who chooses their actual major and who chooses one based in fantasy) and exactly what job they got (if they’re the teacher, what do they teach?  If they’re the Superstar, what’s their field: acting, singing, filmmaking, what?) and exactly who they marry (I will confess to a round of Life I once played wherein little pink plastic me happily married little blue plastic Rupert Giles, and I apologize for nothing) and exactly, exactly what the house is like (Colonial or Farmhouse are such vague terms) and exactly what boy/girl/twins you birth (in that same game where I married Giles, my friend’s twins were Lothario, Jonathan B. Wright’s character from Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, and Willow Rosenberg-in-canon).  I like inventing made-up lives more than I like the strategy aspect.

And don’t even get me started on computer games.  I never played any of the ones that involve shooting or mayhem: I played things like The American Girl Premiere, where you could make computer plays starring humanized American Girl dolls and their friends.  I think you were supposed to act out scenes from the books, but I choreographed dance numbers and made people walk through floors.  When I got a little older, I was casting the American Girls into plays and movies I liked: a friend and I, when we were much too old  to be playing the game seriously, once staged the first third, I’d venture, of Rocky Horror with Molly McIntyre and co.  (Molly herself played Columbia, as the girls themselves were the only ones with multiple costumes and Molly had both a tap-dancing outfit and pajamas.)

I played things like Roller Coaster Tycoon, which is a much more grown-up sort of game.  Except for I’d play it by inventing some ridiculous theme (usually a cartoon I’d enjoyed in childhood; the Care Bears, Hello Kitty, Rainbow Brite, and Sailor Moon all got parks) and decorating and color-coding the entire park around it.  I’d build tame rides myself, but I was always more interested in building scenery.  For that Rainbow Brite park, I actually built Rainbow’s entire castle out of the little walls and towers you could use.  It wasn’t even a ride, it just sat there.  I’d make my dad build my “serious” coasters for me.

I played things like The Sims, where my sole goal was to create a house (in Sims 1) or a neighborhood (in Sims 2) and populate it with the characters from my favorite, again, plays or films.  By Sims 2 I had entire neighborhoods full of the characters from The Phantom of the Opera and Rent (including the never-seen parents of every character, the siblings of every character, and the full families of only-mentioned characters like April; she had five sisters, if I remember correctly).  I’d design them to look as much like the characters as they could and I’d build them houses decorated exorbitantly to suit their characters’ tastes (I believe this would be defined as my own messed up “headcanon”) and I’d make the characters that were supposed to be in love with each other meet like… once.  Then I’d get bored just clicking “talk” and “wave” and “dance” and “laugh” over and over and go back to building more neighborhoods.

Video games are another thing entirely.  Being an only child who was never predisposed to driving computer-generated cars or shooting computer-generated anythings, I didn’t play video games growing up.  I first played, like, Crash Bandicoot Racing at someone’s house when I was maybe eleven, and I absolutely sucked at it.  I played Mario Kart and Mario Party and things like that with friends as I got a little older, and I still sucked.  I just have a hard time focusing enough on the controls to learn them when I’m busy going “wouldn’t that car just run over that banana peel?” or “we’re driving in space, why doesn’t our car have a roof?”  This is not to say I didn’t enjoy Mario or Crash; I did, as much as I could.  I just never played enough to be good at it, or to get over things that made no sense.  I certainly prefer them to games like Halo, where it’s just too chaotic and I don’t understand why you shoot someone just for being affiliated with a different primary color, especially while running around space-age Stonehenge.  (Also, shooting games throw me even worse than driving games do.)  There was one game I played in high school, one where you’re in a Western town and you shoot bunnies with plungers, and I don’t remember what it was called, but, despite sucking at it, I somewhat enjoyed myself with that, too. That one was absurd enough that I actually had an easier time letting go of things that made sense and just going with it.

I have too many thoughts.

–your fangirl heroine.

Fashion Friday :: when I rewatch Mad Men, I get in this place.

Namely, this place of I want Joan’s (Christina Hendricks) wardrobe.  There is nothing new or shocking about the admiration I have for my Joanie’s dress sense, but it can never be said enough.  ModCloth actually has an “Office Supervisor Dress” recently posted, but as beautiful as it is, it’s not quite Joan: that skirt?  Lovely, but Joan’s about the straight tight silhouette.  The dress is Bettie Page, and it’s got a straight-skirted silhouette alternate, but it’s listed on the Bettie Page site as the “Secretary Dress” — and it’s still not quite Joan.  Closer, but not exact.

No, tonight I’m going to attempt to recreate a different look of Joan’s, this one a dress she’s worn several times.  This styling is based off of 1×08, “The Hobo Code,” when everyone goes out to dance and drink to celebrate Peggy’s promotion.

So we begin, after I take a moment to admire her hair in this scene; I think this is my absolute favorite “her” hair.  Just.  So.  Adorable.

The dress isn’t exactly the same.  It’s a paler shade of pink, the neckline is a bit different, but having searched all of my go-to pin-up sources (ModCloth, Bettie Page, Stop Staring) I couldn’t find one that gave me a better “this is correct” feeling.  Billion Dollar Baby Dress, Stop Staring.

Particularly when you add in the belt.  The belt really makes it.  This one was just found on Amazon.

Do you know how difficult it is to find proper vintage gloves online and not get motorcycle gloves or opera gloves?  Very hard.  But these are neat.  These come from Girl Stuff Vintage Clothing.

I feel somewhat smug reporting that I purchased a similar bag almost two years ago (has it been that long?) at Target for maybe $25, completely by accident (or by psychic connection to Ms. Holloway’s wardrobe?) but any black patent bag will really do.  This one just happens to be true vintage.  Found on Bonanza.com.

Of course, a neat little matching vintage scarf for tying on the purse.  Found on Etsy.

Alas, this has been sold, but it’s just so perfect, and it’s not difficult to find headbands that are black with a bow.  I just didn’t feel like searching for another when this is ideal.  You could even make one yourself.  Vintage Bow at a Glance Headband, Modcloth.

I’m skipping her watch, as it’d be the same I posted in a previous Joan fashion post, probably, and moving right along to earrings.

Alas, more out of stock items, but like the headband, similar earrings would be easy enough to find, and it’s ModCloth, so they’ll probably restock eventually.  Parlour Room Royalty Earrings.

More convenient black pumps!  How many pairs will I be able to find, I wonder?  Patent Office Heel in Ink, Modcloth.

–your fangirl heroine.

Things in Print Thursday :: 6 of my favorite books and if they’d work as films.

6. The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood
This is a crapshoot.  Because the narrative is told in alternate forms, you’d need to find a way to represent that (the flashbacks, the newspaper articles, the bits of the pulp fiction story) and that would be hard without the right director and screenwriter.  It’s nonlinear, and not every creative team (or audience) can handle that.  But it could be a very pretty movie: right now I’m trying to imagine pieces of it in my head and it’s sort of like Canadian Boardwalk Empire a few years later.  If you could do it that classily and got a good cast, I’d be into it.

5 & 4. How I Paid for College and Attack of the Theatre People by Marc Acito
In this age of High School Musical and Glee, it’s easy to imagine a group of singing high schoolers as being Happy Fun Family Entertainment!!!  The characters in Acito’s two novels, who are eventually college students, are not that, and that would cut down on the marketability of the prospective movies, but that ‘s what I think would be great.  Theatre people and music people are pretty often not good clean fun.  There’s sex, there’s swearing, there’s songs that aren’t in the Top 40, there’s a joie de vivre that something trying to mass market loses.  I’d be into seeing these books as films (I heard a while ago the first was optioned, but nothing’s come of it) but only if they stayed true to the raunchiness and stuff and didn’t try to Glee up.  (Though, now that I’m thinking about it, Heather Morris would be a great Kelly.)

3. Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl
This book makes me use made-up words like “favoritest,” I love it so much.  It’s written very much like a movie, unfolding in a linear fashion with dramatic turns, a clear rising action/climax/falling action, not too many main characters but very well-drawn ones.  Maybe too well-drawn for a movie about high school students.  (Have you ever noticed that?  High schoolers in films tend to drift towards the land of the easy to understand.  For every multidimensional Charlie Bartlett you have three flat Disney channel original movies.)  My big worry about this one would be that the book is so long; they’d have to cut parts of it out to make the film a reasonable running time (and they probably wouldn’t Deathly Hallows it) and I just don’t know what they could take out and retain the integrity.  They’d probably try to sex it up a little, too: hangout parties with the Bluebloods would turn into softcore, artistically shot orgies of sorts, Blue and Milton would spend far too long partaking in that not-really-too-long making-out scene, Hannah would be shown having something with someone.  It could easily get corrupted, but.  Again, if it was done right, by people as neurotic and detaily as I am, it could be quality, maybe.  (HBO miniseries?)  I’ve never been able to cast most of it in my head, exactly (Lu ends up like a floaty teenage Juliet Landau, but that’s impossible; Jade I do have down, Ari Graynor, am I right?) but I trust professionals to do that.

2. Heartsick, Sweetheart, Evil at Heart, The Night Season, and …? by Chelsea Cain
(I tack on that extra …?  because it’s clearly a series that’s far from finished.  I haven’t actually read The Night Season yet, as it just came out this year and with Borders closing my hookup for new books is currently a bit paltry [and I can't trek up to Portland just to go to Powell's, much as I'd want to] so.)  Oh, come on, these have “movie please” written all over them.  There’s teensy subplots you could trim out if you needed to and my heroine Chelsea Cain gave permission, but they’re not too long of books, and you could easily adapt them fully.  I’d like to think that Susan Ward, the heroine of the series, could be buddies with Lisbeth Salander of Stieg Larsson’s Millenium Trilogy; she’s sort of that same cut of heroine, punky and quirky, albeit less directly damaged.  The relationship between Archie and Gretchen is pure cinema in its twistedness; Gretchen herself is something the world needs more of in fiction, a wicked gorgeous serial killer woman.  I’d be all for this.  My maxim of “with the right hands on deck” still applies, of course; I wouldn’t want it to become just lame CSI or something.  It’s purely well-written pulp, and that’s a rarity, in books and modern films both.

1. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
Coincidentally, it’s the one on this list I’d have been the most hesitant about.  But I guess we’ll find out what they do with it soon enough.  Will there be a lot of narration?  Will the letter format even be retained at all?  I’m holding my breath.

–your fangirl heroine.

Whedon Wednesday :: the Whedonverse as Sailor Moon and co. (protagonists)

As we know, the moral line in the Whedonverse is a teensy bit gray, but it’s pretty clear in the land of my favorite childhood bishōjo anime, Sailor Moon.  One of my favorite tumblrs out there, buffy-studies-minor, linked to a pointing out of the similarities between Sailor Moon and Buffy (the original post is here) but having recently done the Whedonverse as Rainbow Brite kids, I couldn’t leave it just Buffy.  I had to throw everyone in there.  As there are far too many villains in Sailor Moon (they don’t just have one big bad per season, they have like… twenty) I’ll save them for a separate post, but here’s the protagonists.

As before, the “quoted” text is copied from Wikipedia, the (parenthetical) text is what was originally there, and the [bracketed] text is the Whedonverse substitution.  There are more … omitted passages of irrelevant details here, but it’s the big stuff that counts most.  And I do realize that there’s lots of the same kids getting recast, but that’s just because Sailor Moon and Buffy et al and Rainbow Brite are all similar in ways!  (I mean that with the utmost love.)

So.  Here goes nothing.

Serena Tsukino.  Tsukino Usagi.  月野 うさぎ.  Sailor Moon.  Represented by Buffy Summers (Sarah Michelle Gellar).  “At the beginning of the series, she is (fourteen) [fifteen] years old and portrayed as (an immature crybaby) [a flighty valley girl of sorts] who (hates) [is annoyed by] having to fight evil and wants nothing more than to be a normal girl. As she progresses, however, she embraces the chance to use her power to protect those she cares about.”  Also noteworthy of mention are powerful heirloom weapons and the fact that a great use of her power can lead to her death.

Amy Mizuno.  Mizuno Ami.  水野 亜美 . Sailor Mercury.  Represented by Willow Rosenberg (Alyson Hannigan).  “(Ami’s) [Willow's] shy exterior masks a passion for knowledge and for taking care of the people around her…  (Ami) [Willow] would also be considered the ‘tech girl’ of the group by using her (mini data computer) [computer], which is capable of (scanning and detecting virtually anything she needs) [doing what computers do, but she's the only one who does it].”

Raye Hino.  Hino Rei.  火野 レイ .  Sailor Mars.  Represented by Faith Lehane (Eliza Dushku).  “She is very (serious) [tough] and (focused) [focused on kicking ass], but although easily annoyed by (Usagi’s) [Buffy's] (flightiness) [do-gooder attitude] and being totally (clueless) [wholesome], but cares about her very much.”  A lot of the nouns and adjectives and  verbs are different, but the power dynamic between Serena and Raye is somewhat similar to the one between Buffy and Faith: Raye was always, if I remember correctly, the other main one, the one who wanted to take charge and do things her way.  Faith doesn’t exactly want to take charge, but she does want things done her way.

Lita Kino.  Kino Makoto.  木野 まこと . Sailor Jupiter.  Represented by Kaylee Frye (Jewel Staite).  “A (sixteen-year-old tomboy) [tomboy whose age is never explicitly given, but Jewel was 20 at the time of Firefly's filming and 23 by Serenity]… She cultivates her (physical strength) [prowess with machines] as well as more domestic interests, including (housekeeping) [prettying up the ship], (cooking) [apparently baking when it's someone's birthday and things can be gotten and I have headcanon that she has a thing for birthday surprises, though Simon's was most special], and (gardening) [being everyone's mèimei or jĭejie)."  Basically, the also-girly tomboy.

Mina Aino.  Aino Minako.  愛野 美奈子 .  Sailor Venus.  Represented by Priya Tsetsang / Sierra (Dichen Lachman).  This is another of those, like Indigo, where she sounds more like a character on Glee or something, so I'm not gonna bother copypasting.  But hey, Sierra gets imprinted as all kinds of wacky stuff, it could happen.  Also, Dichen's just pretty to look at.

Rini Tsukino.  Chibiusa.  ちびうさ .   Sailor Chibi/Mini Moon.  Represented by Dawn Summers (Michelle Trachtenberg).  "At times she has an adversarial relationship with her (mother) [sister] (in the 20th century),as she considers herself (more mature than Usagi) [overprotected but with reason], but as the series progresses they develop a deep bond.  (Chibiusa) [Dawn] wants to grow up to become a (lady) [badass] like her (mother) [sister].”  It is also worth noting that, while Rini was Serena and Darien’s daughter from the future of Crystal Tokyo and sent herself back in time to train and Dawn was a mystical energy blob turned into Buffy’s sister by some monks so Buffy would protect her, the whole “retroactively having known you forever” thing definitely happened with both of them.

Darien Chiba.  Chiba Mamoru.  地場 衛 .  Tuxedo Mask.  Represented by Angel (David Boreanaz).  “A (student) [vampire] (somewhat) [200+ years] older than (Usagi) [Buffy]. As a young (child) [man] he experienced (a terrible car-accident) [a woman named Darla who was really a vampire] (that) [who] robbed him of his (parents) [humanity] and of his knowledge of (his own identity) [human decency].  During the series it is revealed he has a special (psychic rapport with) [redemptive mission to protect] (Usagi) [Buffy] and can (sense) [help out] when (she is) [she and her friends are] in danger, which inspires him to take on (the guise of Tuxedo Mask) [a somewhat lurky but well-intentioned role] and fight alongside the (Sailor Senshi) [Scoobies] when needed.”  Tuxedo actually gets the happily-ever-after with his blonde heroine, though.

Trista Meioh.  Meio Setsuna.  冥王 せつな .  Sailor Pluto.  Represented by Tara Maclay (Amber Benson).  “She has a (distant) [shy] personality and can be very (stern) [obscure], but can also be quite friendly and helps the (younger Sailor Senshi) [other Scoobies] when she can.  After so long (at the Gate of Time) [believing herself part-demon thanks to her crazy father] she carries a deep sense of loneliness, although she is close friends with (Chibiusa) [Dawn and of course her girl Willow].”  Honestly, Tara ended up mostly as Pluto ’cause of her motherly/sisterly thing with Dawn/Rini.

Michelle Kaioh.  Kaio Michiru.  海王 みちる .  Sailor Neptune.  Represented by Inara Serra (Morena Baccarin).  “An elegant and talented (violinist and painter with family money) [Companion]. (A year) [An indistinct amount of years] older than (most of the other Sailor Senshi) [...Kaylee and River]… She (worked alone) [worked out of Sihnon] for some time before finding (her partner, Sailor Uranus) [the space on Serenity and its crew... and Mal], with whom she fell in love.  ⁽Neptune) [Inara] has ultimately given up (her own dreams) [a "normal" Companion's life] for the life of (a Senshi) [one aboard Serenity]. She is fully devoted to this (duty) [way of life] and willing to make (any sacrifice) [more sacrifices] for it [as time goes on].”  Two other points of interest: Wikipedia describes Neptune as the soldier of “Ocean and Intuition,” and while Ocean is irrelevant, Intuition is right up Inara’s alley.  Also, Neptune is technically dating and in love with Sailor Uranus, who just happens to have a physical resemblance to the Councilor that Inara entertains in “The Message.”

But that aside…

Amara Tenoh.  Teno Haruka.  天王 はるか .  Sailor Uranus.  Represented by Zoe Alleyne Washburne (Gina Torres).  (They look nothing alike, I know, just bear with me.)  “A good-natured, [sometimes] masculine-acting (girl) [woman]…  She tends to (dress and, in the anime, speak) [fight] like a man.  When it comes to fighting the enemy she distrusts outside help and prefers to work solely with (Sailor Neptune and, later, Pluto and Saturn) [Mal and the others on Serenity].”  Zoe’s a bit more feminine than Uranus, but hey.

Hotaru Tomoe.  Tomoe Hotaru.  土萠 ほたる .   Sailor Saturn.  Represented by River Tam (Summer Glau).  “A sweet, lonely young girl… Daughter of (a mad scientist) [Alliance supporters, (a terrible laboratory accident) [unwitting enrollment in a school that was really a training and torture facility] in her youth significantly compromised her [mental] health… After overcoming the darkness that has (surrounded her family) [plagued her since the Academy], (Hotaru) [River] is able to become (the Soldier of Death and Rebirth, Sailor Saturn) [a serious badass].  She is often (pensive) [hyperintelligent and thoughtful but slightly crazy], and as a human has the inexplicable power to (heal others) [read minds].”  (Spoiler alert: Doctor Tomoe is the entire Alliance.)

…I swear I did not mean for most of the women of Serenity to wind up Outer Senshi together.

(I will note first off that even Wikipedia points out that Luna’s “role in the series has been compared to Rupert Giles’ in Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” but we’re not just doing Buffy, remember?  And I’m trying to keep it same gender analogies, and Adelle is kind of the bitchy badass Giles of Dollhouse at times, and… yeah.)  Luna.  ルナ.  Represented by Adelle Dewitt (Olivia Williams).  “Luna provides the (Senshi) [Dolls] with many of their (special items) [engagements, particularly early on...  Over the course of the series, (Luna) [Adelle] develops a (close bond with) [tolerance for] (Usagi) [Echo], though early on it is on uneasy terms, as (Luna) [Adelle] often upsets (Usagi) [Echo] by giving her (advice she does not want, often leading to comic results) [strictures she does not agree with].”  Don’t be hatin’.

Artemis.  アルテミス .  Represented by Topher Brink (Fran Kranz).  ” His (memory of the Silver Millennium) [relationship with the Dolls] seems to be more (intact) [realized] than (Luna’s) [Adelle's]… When a technical (problem reveals him) [anomaly arises], (Luna) [Adelle] is greatly (annoyed to learn that he’s been the one guiding her all along) [turns to him, though often with attitude]. (Artemis) [Topher] is more easygoing than (Luna) [Adelle], and has a “big brother” relationship with (Minako) [the Dolls at times], although his (attraction to her) [awareness of their physical beauty and their empty brains]  is sometimes implied.”  I mean, Adelle + Topher =/= love like Luna + Artemis = love, but Artemis’ personality is totally Topher.

Diana.  ダイアナ .  Represented by Vi (Felicia Day).  A teensy bit of a stretch, but hey.  “She is very curious, eager to help, and deeply polite, always addressing (Usagi and Mamoru with the Japanese honorific “-sama” and calling Chibiusa by her formal title, Small Lady) [Buffy and Faith with the utmost respect]. She is also able to help the (Senshi) [other Potentials] on [many] occasion[s], despite her youth [and inexperience with slaying], and often because of the knowledge she has gained (in the future) [through training].”

Phew.

–your fangirl heroine.

Television Tuesday :: 6 HBICs you wouldn’t want to be on the bad side of.

In short, fictional women who would be exceptionally useful to have as friends or at least someone you got on with or played on the same side with, but if they weren’t your friend/ally/whatever, look the hell out, man.

6. Faith Lehane (Eliza Dushku, Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel)
Honestly, this is true of most of the Buffyverse women.  Anyone who can, without question, kick your ass, be it via slayer strength or magic or demon powers or whatever, it’s these people you shouldn’t antagonize.  But I ended up choosing Faith because she’s the only one who really seemed to kill just for the hell of it.  Buffy kills demons and vampires, Willow killed Warren for revenge purposes, Anya killed men for her demon job, etcetera etcetera.  Faith killed ’cause, whoops, sorta funny.  Faith could take you out with that slayer strength and very probably will, and not just ’cause you’re evil and deserve it.  So being on her good side is definitely useful.  Being on her bad side?  Look the hell out.

5. Joan Holloway Harris (Christina Hendricks, Mad Men)
There are plenty of things that not everyone around the offices of Sterling Cooper [Draper Pryce] need to know about.  Some secrets are better kept secret, or at least kept safely in your home.  But what Joanie thinks of you and your behavior?  Not one of those secrets.  She has no qualms about saying what’s on her mind (as long as it doesn’t pertain to her directly or seriously) and even if it hurts (especially if it hurts), she’s usually right.  The few people she’s going to defend are absolutely lucky, though her loyalties do fluctuate at times (the best example being re: Peggy; sometimes she’ll defend her, sometimes she’ll snark her out and not unintentionally bat an eyelash doing so).

4. Trixie (Paula Malcomson, Deadwood)
Trixie is the kind of person who’s got her people’s backs.  When she sees wrong has been done to those she cares for, she will grab a gun, knock on the wrongdoer’s door, and flash them while she shoots them.  She takes care of her people: she talks sense into them, she tries to get them off the drugs, she offers sex when it makes sense.  But those who aren’t her people are fair game, and that means if they try to mess with her people, they’ll very likely regret it.

3. Gemma Teller Morrow (Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy)
Not just because the woman’s got an entire motorcycle gang at her disposal.  As I’ve mentioned before, she’s very much the momma bear type, and if someone messes with any of her brood, look out.  She’s catty at times, she’s bitchy at times, she’s short-tempered and not entirely open at times.  But she looks out for her own.  And she’ll do pretty much anything in the looking-out process.

2. Adelle Dewitt (Olivia Williams, Dollhouse)
(Another most-of-the-women-in-canon-are-somewhat-this-sometimes-at-least case, yes.)  There’s no coincidence about the fact that the other time I’ve used the term HBIC in the post title was also regarding Adelle.  Like many of the other women on this list, she can come off a wicked cold bitch at times.  She definitely had her bitch phase, the one in season two also punctuated by the drinking and the moral grayness, but she takes care where she needs to.  She’s got that momma bear syndrome too, even though none of hers are blood-related; she looks after Topher, she looks after her dolls.  Epitaph Adelle is beautiful and protector-y and just… augh.  Being in her looking-out-for group is definitely a good place to be.

1. Pam de Beaufort (Kristin Bauer van Straten, True Blood)
Pam doesn’t really look out for many people.  Eric always (before, sob) and occasionally other vampires when it doesn’t interfere with Eric.  (King Bill got no love when he was anti-Eric, but she was all with the teaming up when he was pro-Eric.  Jess gets love when she’s not being teenager-y.  Etc.)  But the ones she does look out for, she looks out for hard.  Killing, rocket-launching, threatening, torturing… never a big deal to her.  She’s a little bit of a sociopath, but she’s a loyal sociopath, I say for the 1000th time.

–your fangirl heroine.