Superlative Sunday :: the 2011 Oscars and how I feel about them

Another award season has officially come and gone.  People were tipsy, people went on far too long, things were recognized that deserved it and some things that deserved recognition kind of just got waved at.  Tom Hanks declared that hearing your name called is like a “silent Impressionistic painting.”  Colleen Atwood was drunk.  Melissa Leo said the f-word and got made fun of all night.  They auto-tuned clips from films to humorous effect.  All in all, a decent season, and there were at least no catastrophic upsets.

 

The King’s Speech (Picture, Actor [Colin Firth], Director [Tom Hooper], Writing – Original Screenplay [David Seidler])
I saw this coming across the board.  Well, okay.  I figured it’d get Picture and Actor, and well-deserved, too.  This year’s Director category was just sort of an outrage to begin with, as I desperately wanted Christopher Nolan to win, let alone be nominated, and I didn’t particularly think of it as being a flashy Directed Picture kind of thing, but sometimes subtlety is nice.  And as for screenplay, in the original category I tend to vote for things that are completely completely pulled out of thin air, i.e. not based on historical fact, but it was a very well-written piece, so no disappointments there.

Black Swan (Actress [Natalie Portman])
I completely thought they’d take a couple more.  I was crossing my fingers and praying for cinematography, honestly; the way it was shot was surrealistic and beautiful.  But I’d been rooting for Natalie to win, and I was painfully happy that she did.

The Fighter (Supporting Actress [Melissa Leo], Supporting Actor [Christian Bale])
Again, I’ve… not yet seen this.  But my parents have assured me both were well-deserving.

Toy Story 3 (Animated Feature Film, Music – Original)
I did have a giant soft spot for this movie.  Giant.  So I’m happy for it, even though the song sounded like every other Randy Newman song ever written and his diction while performing was hideous.

Alice in Wonderland (Art Direction, Costume Design)
I was all for both of these awards.  It wasn’t a perfect film, but it was certainly a pretty one.  And Colleen Atwood’s drunk!speech was definitely one of the night’s highlights, at least for unintentional hilarity.

Inception (Cinematography, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, Visual Effects)
The geeky techhead in me was totally Team Inception.  I knew it wouldn’t get Best Picture or anything, and I was cool with that.  And although I wanted Black Swan for Cinematography, I was happy with this too.  Any technical award it got was purely deserved.

The Social Network (Film Editing, Music – Original Score, Writing – Adapted Screenplay)
Out of any awards tonight, Social Network getting Score was the one I wanted the most.  I was grinning like an idiot when they called it out.  And as for Film Editing?  I admit I don’t know… well, darn near anything about Film Editing, or at least enough to judge what was deserved, but I’ll take the Academy’s word for it, I suppose.  And I haven’t read the book it’s adapted from, and was sort of rooting for True Grit there, but okay?

 

True Grit (…a ton of nominations, and nothing.)
Disappointing to say the least.  It was a wonderful film and deserved something.  I will award Hailee Steinfeld the Favorite Dress Of The Night title, because awww.  Not only was it pink and fluffy and glittery, it was just really adorable on her.  And not like she was trying to be too old.

 

I haven’t seen… any of the short films, documentaries, foreign films, etc.  I know I’m uncultured.

 

–your fangirl heroine.

 

Sarcastic Saturday :: Top 5 things I can do on stage or on paper but not in real life

This list is not in any way a pity party.  Nor is it an invitation for “ohhh, no, you’re fine.”  This list may be exceptionally self-deprecating, but hey.  It’s Sarcastic Saturday, I’m allowed to be.  And if you can’t laugh at yourself, where are you, really?  In a way, it’s a list of things I really know I ought to work on improving.  In another way, it’s a list of things about myself that I just accept.

5. Superpowered stuff.
This one goes without saying, more or less, but I just thought I’d cover my bases.  Superpowers sadly do not exist in real life.  It would be cool if they did, but also fairly detrimental depending on the power and your situation in life.  I mean, all superheroes nowadays get angsty about their powers.  The only ones who don’t get powerangsty are the ones like Kick-Ass or Batman who don’t actually have powers.  And they find other things to angst about relating to their world-saving enterprises.

4. Flirt properly
No, really.  I can write a decent scene of flirtation between two characters.  I can act a decent scene of flirtation (though not particularly improv, but if someone else wrote it or I prewrote I’m all right).  But in a real life context, I just get… well, I fail at it.  Hard.  I blush far too much.  I can’t think of the right thing to say.  It’s like… well, it’s like that scene in the season two Dollhouse episode “The Left Hand” (2×06, if you’re numbersy) where Bennett gets all verbally spastic and compares Topher to a pig.  It’s like Kaylee telling Simon not to “let the space bugs bite.”  (1×14, “Objects in Space.”)  It’s like… season one Willow opening her mouth ever.  It’s like a whole slew of other things, and I’m sure I could think more up if I had a list in front of me of various canons and I related to women in fictional mediums that were awkward that weren’t Whedon women.  (I do relate to non-awkward ones.  But a shocking amount of the awkward ones are Whedon women.  There will be a chart one day, I promise.)

3. Comebacks
My mother says that I should publish a book called Things I Should Have Said.  I can come up with a good zinger of a response, but only at least three hours after the fact, so when I recount stories it often sounds like this: “And then xyz happened, and abc said this, and I said that.  Except… for I didn’t.”  I’m hideously incapable of retorting well.  Even when I’m just joking around with my father or something, my comebacks invariably involve muttering, “Yeah, well, your face” and then ducking my head in embarrassment.  I don’t know why it is that I cannot think of snappy things to say on the fly.  Well, at least snappy insults.  I can think of something witty, I can think of a completely random fact to just drop in the middle of nowhere, or a quotation that applies.  I absolutely cannot just burn someone.  I don’t know if this is a good thing or not.  I can think of burns afterward, or if I’m writing a story I can think it up.  I can play a burn out on stage.  I’m not sure why it is that I can’t do it.  I really wish I knew.

2. …actually, just think of the right thing to say, period.
Now, I am a verbal person.  Being both a writer and an actress, I talk a lot.  But I have this knack for just dropping completely nonsensical statements in an otherwise logical conversation.  A thing reminds me of a song and I immediately have to declare it.  A conversation is going on around me, yet I see someone on television that I admire and immediately have to declare it.  I can think of many anecdotes, but if they are personal ones they aren’t important in any way, nor are they interesting particularly.

1. Bodaciousness
As that chart I’m promising in the near future will prove, I am very often cast as the bodacious one, whether on stage or when my friends and I assign roles in fictional mediums to ourselves because we’re compulsive that way.  I’m just… not, really.  I’m really more comfortable as wallpaper than the centerpiece, I suppose.  I think this is because while I do enjoy playing dress-up and showing off occasionally, I’d rather observe, make dry comments, and be done with it.  I’m more used to it.  It suits me better.  Even if I do make my own epic Gothic Lolita dress, I’ll probably just sit behind my drum kit, say something snarky, then go back to playing backup.

 

–your fangirl heroine.

Film Friday :: The Sweetest Little Lies [an Amber Sweet fanmix]

1. Everyone’s At It (Lily Allen)
But how can we start to tackle the problem if you don’t put your hands up and admit that you’re on them?  The kids are in danger, they’re all getting habits, ’cause from what I can see everyone’s at it…

2. Boring (The Pierces)
Sexy boy, girl on girl, menage-a-trois, boring.  Marijuana, cocaine, heroin, boring… nothing thrills us anymore, no-one kills us anymore, life is such a chore when it’s boring…

3. The Garden (Mirah)
Oh oh, I really wanted that thing, I just want to sing.  I love you baby, won’t you bring all the flowers you find out in the garden?  Don’t tell me the truth, that your heart has hardened.

4. Private Radio (Vanessa Carlton)
Find me out of my pillow, ’cause I’m lyin’ here but I am ready, good to go, and on a whim I’ll leave this town, or not, I’ll stay and chase the sun now.  And you can’t deny me, and you will oblige me, it’s my melody.

5. Cheap and Cheerful (The Kills)
I’m bored of cheap and cheerful.  I want expensive sadness.  Hospital bills plural, open doors to madness.  I want you to be crazy ’cause you’re boring baby when you’re straight.  I want you to be crazy ’cause you’re stupid baby when you’re sane.

6. The Moneymaker (Rilo Kiley)
You’ve got the moneymaker, they showed the money to you, you showed them what you can do, showed them your money.  Make you get out out out, oh yeah.  You’ll get out out out, oh yeah.

7. Out Tonight (Rent)
My body’s talking to me, it says ‘time for danger.’  It says ‘I wanna commit a crime, wanna be the cause of a fight.  I wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt with a stranger.’

8. Model Behavior (Kate Nash)
Standing there, all you do is stare.  You got no soul and you just don’t care about anything but yourself.  Did you know other people exist?  Don’t wanna hear about your life.  Hang out with you?  I’d rather die!  Please stop wasting all my time.

9. The List (Metric)
We’re wondering, one more cheap suit in the loop, more chlorine in the pool.  The blonde dolls smiling behind us say one day you’ll be just like us.

10. Hotel Song (Regina Spektor)
A little bag of cocaine, a little bag of cocaine.  So who’s the girl wearing my dress?  I figured out her number inside a paper napkin, but I don’t know her address.

11. Meeting Paris Hilton (CSS)
I wanna take you home, bitch, ’cause I wanna treat you good, bitch, what do you think of it, bitch?

– your fangirl heroine.

Theatre Thursday :: I think maybe I should be a director sometimes.

Not for any particular reason.  It’s just a thought I had earlier tonight, and as it’s Thursday, well.  Here we go, I suppose.  Sometimes I think that maybe I should just be a theatrical lady Tarantino.  They say sometimes the only way to get what you want done is to do it yourself, and it’s not that I have a problem with any particular directorial choices I’ve seen done recently, but there are just ones I’d love to see happen.

This just became Things in Print Thursday as well, because one of my pet concepts originated from a project I did for a high school English course. We had to write out a scene of Macbeth and style it modern and some other things such as, but I combined it all into one big mess of epic and basically, it was as if Frank Miller had done Macbeth.  The three witches were the best.  One was all emo’d out.  One was raver 80s punk.  One was… basically a classy hooker.  There were corrupt businessmen every which way.  There was even more sex and violence than usual.  And… my teacher lost it.  I got full marks, but I’m still bitter that I don’t have the graphic novel I drew out of one of the scenes because I’ve basically never killed myself so hard on a project that wasn’t saved on the computer.

I do know that Crazy Modern Sex And Violence Macbeth isn’t a new idea.  I also know, however, that I’ve never seen a production even discussed wherein the witches were young and sexy.  And although it could be done in the original text, my translation was slangier and more ridiculous.

Shakespeare is marvelous because he can be done so many different ways.  But I’d love to take a crack at directing basically anything someday.  Old musicals?  Old 30s plays?  Well, I’d direct them hardcore tongue-in-cheek.  I feel like that would really help a lot of people.  New musicals?  It would really depend.  New one-room-in-the-house kinds of plays?  Well, I don’t know there’s much needs to be done but I’d still kill to be involved in one.

Of course, I probably never will direct anything seriously.  But hey, it’s nice to dream.

 

–your fangirl heroine.

Whedon Wednesday :: and then Buffy staked Edward, the end.

Buffy: “You’re a vampire.”
Edward: “Yes.”
Buffy: “But it’s daylight.”
Edward: “No, I sparkle, see?”
Buffy: “Is that supposed to scare me?”
Edward: “I’m a monster!”
Buffy: “So I’m gonna stake you now.”
Edward: “Wait… you don’t love me? All mortal girls love me! I dazzle them!”
Buffy: “You make Angel look manly, dude.”
Edward: “B-but… you don’t want to have my psycho vampire baby?”
Bella: “But that’s my job! She’s not even pale and clumsy!”
Buffy: “Willow, have you ever heard of any of this lore before?”
Willow: “It’s not in any of the demonology books… sounds like a hoax to me!”
Xander: “Dude, be glad the real vampires can’t come kick your butt right now.”
Giles: “Yes, Buffy. Kill the sparkly ones!”

 

–your fangirl heroine.

Television Tuesday :: Top 5 worst television mothers

I know, I know, another short list.  But I’ll be doing 5 best television mothers, too, and maybe worst/best film and theater mothers, too.

5. Nancy Botwin (Mary Louise Parker, Weeds)
Not because I don’t love Mary Louise Parker, I do.  Not because she isn’t funny and cute, she is.  But as far as moms go, she’s… well, patently pretty bad.  Sure, she’s loyal to her family and does whatever she has to to help them, and that earns her some points.  But apparently she has to sell drugs and get wrapped up in all sorts of wacky scandals that lead to her being impregnated by a drug kingpin, killing one husband and outrunning another (all because the first died naturally), getting her son shot and taking them all on the run, basically ruining her brother-in-law’s life… Nancy may be an entertaining, engaging character, but she’s kind of crap at the human decency bit.

4. Emily Gilmore (Kelly Bishop, Gilmore Girls)
Only at the beginning, really.  She does redeem herself along the line, but (particularly as shown in flashbacks) she’s not a particularly nice woman inherently.  Not because she doesn’t have somewhat decent intentions, but because her means of achieving these intentions leads to a feeling of desperate persecution for her daughter.  She’s a much better grandmother than she is a mother.

3. Betty Draper (January Jones, Mad Men)
Okay, the first season or two you feel a bit of sympathy for Betty.  She’s just trying to figure herself out, you think.  But as the children start being more important, particularly Sally, you just see that she’s really sort of a terrible person.  She’s conniving, bitchy, controlling, ice-cold.  Don’s not exactly a picnic as a husband, I’ll grant that.  But she’s outrageously not a picnic as a mother.  Yelling at Sally, criticizing her, basically just tormenting her and for very little reason than her own unhappiness.  Oh, Betty.  No, no, no, just stop.

2. Atia of the Julii (Polly Walker, Rome)
Somewhere deep inside it’s possible that Atia is a quasi-decent human being.  In a strange, roundabout way, she sort of wants what’s best for her kids, sort of?  Granted, usually only when it’s best for her too, but hey.  This doesn’t excuse the fact that she marries her children off to suit her political purposes, she kills Octavia’s first husband for the same reasons, she completely verbally abuses them for very little reason, and, worst of all, she basically pimps them out.  Especially poor Octavia.  She sends her to seduce Servilia, even knowing that the old bisexual cougar is a hideous person and that it can very likely not come to any good.  She makes her wed Marc Antony, which is just so messed up on so many levels.  She even sends her to seduce her brother.  Why?  Oh yeah, political purposes.

1. Livia Soprano (Nancy Marchand, The Sopranos)
Whereas Carmela is actually pretty reasonably placed on the list of decent mothers, Livia is a hideous excuse for a woman.  There is literally nothing redeeming about her, ever.  On top of the endless complaining, the bitchy attitude, the feigned insanity but only when it suits her purposes, the pathetic self-martyrdom, there’s the fact that, you know, she had a hit ordered on her own son.  That’s about the only thing worse than pimping out said son.

 

–your fangirl heroine.

Music Monday :: Top 5 artists I have absolutely got to see in concert before I die

A list inspired by the fact that I missed the chance to get tickets to a Decemberists show this weekend and am still depressed about that fact.

5. The Spring Standards
I admit I fell for them because of Johnny Gallagher’s having been in the mix back in the Old Springs Pike days, but man oh man, they make me absolutely giddy.  I will say that the absolute folksy adorableness of the above song “The Hush” might just trump everything, but they’ve sort of got a song for every mood, be it cute, plaintive, soulful, thoughtful, what have you.

4. Metric
As I’ve rambled on many a time, I can groove to them every day of the week.  If I’m feeling too introspective there’s always their acoustic EP.  And the rest of the time I can rock hard.

3. Elizabeth and the Catapult
Again, I have mentioned these kids before.  A lot.  But I would absolutely kill to experience the joy that is their live work, I’m pretty sure I would die of happy.

2. Kate Nash
Is pretty much the cutest person on the planet, or at least one of them.  Her British accent makes me squee like an idiot, her fashion sense makes me squee like an idiot, her songs make me squee like an idiot… pretty much, idiotic squeeing goes on every which way.

1. The Decemberists
As to be predicted.  Colin Meloy and Jenny Conlee were on the most recent Portlandia and I was way, way too happy about it.  I don’t know.  I’m pretty sure this band’s talented folk are the gods and goddesses of my heart.  And all of my friends say they put on an amazing show.

 

–your fangirl heroine.

Superlative Sunday :: Top 5 Oscarfails in my conscious lifetime

In honor of the Oscars being next weekend, I thought I’d get a head start on my analytical ranting.

5. Avatar’s non-technical nominations (2010)
I’m sorry.  Avatar was a pretty film to look at (well, in theaters; even in HD it doesn’t hold up on TV whatsoever) and art direction and cinematography I’ll allow.  Personally, I’m more a fan of filming things that exist in real life beautifully than creating a pretty digital forest of random alien crap, but that’s just me.  Its directorial and Best Picture nominations, though?  Really, Academy?  It may have been pretty to look at.  It may have been a thinly veiled fable about the environment and how humans are evil and other such things.  But I’m sorry.  Any picture that includes a character sitting in a giant robot suit and nonironically proclaiming to the aliens that they ought to “GET SOME!” should just not be nominated.

4. Jake Gyllenhaal losing Supporting Actor to George Clooney (2005)
Now, this is not because I have anything against George Clooney in particular.  I’ve still not seen Syriana, not that I particularly want to, and I’m sure that he did a fine job in it, but Jake’s Brokeback Mountain performance broke my heart into 1032 pieces the first time and breaks those 1032 pieces into 1032 more pieces each every subsequent time.  He’s one of my favorite things about that film, and his character is just so tragic while at the same time not being frustratingly mopey or anything.  Rarely have I been so emotionally invested in a nominee and been disappointed.

3. Frances McDormand losing Supporting Actress to Marcia Gay Harden (2000)
This is much the same as the above, and although I wasn’t conscious of it at the time it happened, looking back it makes me sad beyond belief.  As I’ve said before and will doubtlessly say again (I’m incapable of going more than 192 hours without mentioning it somewhere, somehow) Almost Famous is my favorite movie of all time, and Frances McDormand’s performance in it is sort of maddeningly brilliant.  Though she was on the surface the Nagging Mom, she was so much more than that, complex and layered and intelligent and fascinating, and even when I wanted to hate her character I couldn’t, and I still thought she was performing remarkably into the bargain.  And I’m sure Marcia Gay Harden did a nice job in Pollack (which I also haven’t seen) but in retrospect I just want Frances McDormand to have that Oscar, dammit.

2. the decision to have 10 Best Picture nominees instead of only 5
It’s nice that more films can get recognized, but the recent decision to include 10 Best Picture nominees just sort of means that everyone and their dog gets a nomination.  I’d like to think, for one, that if there had only been 5, maybe we could have been spared Avatar‘s nomination and that of the equally preposterous (well, almost equally; nobody there exhorted someone else to “GET SOME”) District 9.  Of course, it also means that the animated cuteness fest that is Up probably wouldn’t have been nominated, and it’s unlikely Toy Story 3 would have charted this year, either (though they can still win Best Animated, and deserve[d] to).  But turning it into a veritable free-for-all just means that it takes something away from those who really are deserving.

1. Titanic winning Best Picture (1997)
Can you tell I don’t like James Cameron films?  Because I don’t.  I understand that Titanic was a cultural landmark.  I love me some Kate Winslet and I’ve grown fond enough of Leo DiCaprio, too.  The actual historical story is interesting enough.  But really, it’s just a terrible, terrible movie.  It’s a sappy melodrama coated in special effects.  Sure, the period piece-iness of it is interesting for a little while, but then you realize that they’ve said each other’s names twenty times in the last ten seconds while wearing faces that are easily the most wooden they’ll ever sport in their careers.  And it beat out my noir obsession L.A. Confidential, which is well-acted, well-written, well-directed, well-shot, well-themed… as far as I’m concerned, it’s sort of a perfect film, easily in my all-time top 10 both of “I know this is a flawless film” and “I love this movie so damn much.”  Titanic is none of the aforementioned things.

–your fangirl heroine.

Spoiler Alert Saturday :: …I’m not sure this exactly counts, but my thoughts on The Kids Are All Right

Which I finally rented and watched. Several days ago actually, so pardon the fact that this won’t be entirely fresh, likely, but it needs done anyhow, though I’ll try to keep my rambling to a minimum.

First things first, every performance was quite good.  That Josh Hutcherson kid I remembered vaguely from Bridge to Terabithia, which I entirely saw only because of Zooey Deschanel and because I was being sociable that day, and he was good and all grown up and whatnot.  Mia Wasikowska I definitely give points of adoration to.  Mark Ruffalo was sort of the perfect grown up hippie ladies’ man.  Annette Benning and Julianne Moore were sort of amazing together.

Mind you, that means too that they played the non-amazing parts of their characters’ relationships sort of absurdly well.  And I was seeing both sides of the arguments, and that’s always a good sign.  Julianne Moore was emotional and made the mistakes.  Annette Benning was logical but sometimes too logical and that is definitely a problem when it comes to love (well, at least in movies?  I don’t know about real life).

The movie handled the whole fact of it being two ladies really well, I thought.  They obviously had “oh hey, lesbians” moments, but no strangers going “OMG lesbians” or anything, and that was good.  I rolled my eyes a tiny bit at the fact that of course you can’t have two lesbian main characters without one of them flirting with a heterosexual experience and that being a plot point, God no, but ultimately they were just a married couple having married couple problems and that was nice.

I also liked the ending a lot.  Although I wanted to know where Mia Wasikowska was going to college because I’m strange and detail-oriented like that, I really liked that it wasn’t brick-wall one way or another.  Not pure happy BAM! everything’s okay, but not melodramatic BAM! everything is crap either.  Just a nice somewhat ambiguous maybe we’ll work it out with undertones of hope.  And that was refreshing.

Overall, I was definitely into it.  Still sort of Team Natalie Portman for Best Actress, but I wouldn’t be disappointed with Annette Benning whatsoever.  The whole film was just solid without being flashy, something that’s rare nowadays.

–your fangirl heroine.

Fictional Friday :: Top 10 fictional women I’d like to punch in the face

I won’t be including anything too obvious here (Bella Swan, anyone?) as that’s not particularly sporting or interesting.  But I’ve got this theory that if you could punch people in the face who really did deserve it without there being any real consequences, the world might be a less annoying place.  This isn’t about punching people who just deserve it because they’re evil and need to be beat up or something.  Nor do I… actually intend on punching anyone in the face, ever, unless it’s in self defense or something I guess?  No, these people are just sort of annoying and insufferable.

10. Celia Hodes (Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds)
Well, she’s sort of an evil bitch, but not in too serious of a way.  More she’s just really conniving and a terrible wife, mother, lover, friend, local official, pretty much a terrible person.  And no amount of bad that goes on in her life seems to really change that.  I’m sort of sad that the most recent season just sort of dropped her and Isabelle, mostly because I rather fancied the idea of Isabelle being totally the brains of their newly founded operation (maybe that’s one of the reasons Celia is on this list.  I just really adored Isabelle, and anyone who was as bitchy to their adorable funny daughter as Celia was deserves a good punching).

9. Ismene (Antigone)
Yeeeep.  Although I’ve mentioned before the various reasons that I despise her, it needs said again, because, well, she’s a terrible role model.  And I hate her for that.  Deeply.  She’s just… wussy.  And submissive.  And far too involved in molding herself to someone else’s idea of what’s socially acceptable.  Not cool.

8. Lucy Danziger (Paz de la Huerta, Boardwalk Empire)
Sweet God, this woman is frustrating.  I’ve never seen her in anything else, but (and I’m assuming they wanted Lucy to be an obnoxious twit) she plays annoying really, really well.  From her obnoxious pouty lips to that infuriating Kewpie-doll voice she puts on, man.  The a-hem scene between her and Van Alden (Michael Shannon) may be the squickiest thing I’ve ever seen, and that includes the time we accidentally left Cinemax on when we left the house and came back to a-hem surrounded by woodland critters and unicorns and things when I was thirteen.  We didn’t take the time to learn her name for several episodes, and for a while just referred to her as “Nucky’s bitch.”  It’s pretty fitting.

7. Rachel Berry (Lea Michele, Glee)
Lea Michele as a performer is beautiful and talented (sort of chart-topping in both of those categories, really).  But Rachel?  Well, I honestly think a good socking in the face would do her a world of good.  For one thing, she’s exceptionally naive about the way people actually relate to each other on a human level.  For another, she’s spectacularly mean to, well, to mostly everyone, especially the people she really should try to be nice to.  For another, she’s a total spotlight hog and the other girls really do need to get more solos, period.  She isn’t the best thing since sliced bread.  She’s got a sickly amazing voice, but that does not really a good person make.

6. …kind of a lot of Shakespearean heroines
Not all of them, mind you.  Some of them are thrilling female characters.  More of them can become such if played properly.  But some of them?  Well, let’s take Isabela in Measure for Measure. (Yes, I saw this play tonight.)  Baby girl really, really needs to just get her head out of the holy clouds and learn a thing about the world.  She’s too naive to apparently recognize a man as being the same man she’s just conspired with and hugged and things just because before he was wearing glasses and a bald wig.  And I’m all for having principles, but I’m pretty sure that God would forgive her if she just went ahead and did it to save her brother, then repented immediately.  It isn’t like she’d taken her nun vows yet.   Olivia in Twelfth Night?  Is sort of a whiny emo beeyatch at first, then all frustratingly lovesick and apparently incapable of recognizing a woman when she sees one.  Helena in Midsummer?  I generally like her, but she needs to know that boys aren’t the end-all be-all.  Actually, most of them need to learn that particular lesson.  And until they do?  Punching should really take place.

5. Nini Legs-in-the-Air (Caroline O’Connor, Moulin Rouge)
That is really how her name’s listed in the credits, at least on imdb, I’m not even kidding.  For those of you who didn’t compulsively attempt to memorize the names of the various whores in Moulin Rouge, she’s the main one that isn’t Satine, the dark-haired one who dances a lot and is a spectacular bitch always.  She, too, is evil.  She, too, just would be better off never opening her mouth because she ruins everything with one sentence.

4. Dawn Summers (Michelle Trachtenberg, Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
I can’t say for season seven or comic-canon Dawn, as I’m kind of not there yet.  But at least baby Dawn, season five Dawn and… well, I’ve seen five episodes of season six so far, but those too… well, maybe a slapping, not a punching.  She’s just impossibly whiny, she rarely thinks logically, and I sort of understand that season five is about rescuing her, but she needs rescued from the dumbest things sometimes.  I don’t know.  Seasons 1-3 it was Cordelia.  Season 4 it was… well, not really anyone, exactly.  It was kind of always Joyce secondarily.  But by season 5, it was Dawn who played damsel in distress.  And she didn’t even really have the grace to do it with a hint of bitchy snark or maternal love or anything.

3. Tara Thornton (Rutina Wesley, True Blood)
For the exact same reasons as Dawn, basically.  Because she always needs saving, and she doesn’t even have the convenient excuse of being a mystical personification of an interdimensional key.  She’s just an idiot and she gets herself into way too many stupid situations.  And that just isn’t okay.  Every other female on True Blood has something to bring to the table.  Sookie has her fairy powers, Pam has her bitchiness and practicality, Jessica has her cuteness and enthusiasm, Sophie-Anne has her power, Lorena and Maryann (had) their evil, Gran (had) her grandmotherliness, Arlene has her blowsiness, Amy (had) that hippie-dippy conviction, even Crystal at least has a demented sense of what she thinks is right sometimes.  Tara just has the fact that she’s annoying and argues with everything ever.

2, 1.  Lydia and Mrs. Bennet (Pride and Prejudice)
I’m not sure which of them I’d put first, but they deserve to top this list because I thought it up while witnessing their BBC incarnations.  I loathe both of them.  Mrs. Bennet is shrill and cloying.  Lydia, as her father often said, is foolish.  She’s flirty and terribly, terribly immature.  She’s obsessed with marriage for marriage’s sake (not that I’ve got anything against marriage, but I believe it should be for love, not for status or pretty clothes or something).  Actually, so is Mrs. Bennet.  They’re just heinous characters with no redeeming qualities.  And that never changes.

–your fangirl heroine.